Vulnerability

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A friend and I have been having an open conversation on Facebook this morning about vulnerability and its role with the artist. Vulnerability is an important asset when communicating, creating, or acting out a part or role. It allows you to reach an emotional depth that you cannot reach by being too safe or avoiding thinking about uncomfortable things. Vulnerability helps us delve into those areas of self that we might not want to explore, but that help us understand ourselves better. Sometimes exposing those vulnerabilities, and embracing them even is the best form of therapy. 

Somewhere along the lines in our society we have been told that vulnerability is wrong, weak and not something we should project to others. Perhaps it was your parents or your grandparents who told you to never show your weaknesses. Maybe you received that message from society or indirectly from the people in your life. However you received it, you are not alone. I would say the majority of people on this planet do not want to show their vulnerabilities. Often when you look at the most popular bloggers, business leaders, and public figures they like to present themselves as being in control, having it all together and being very confident (sometimes overly so).

But why can’t we admit when things are going wrong in our lives? What is so wrong with that? It is through the honesty of vulnerability that you find the most support and compassion in others. And it is through the honesty and vulnerability of others that you are able to connect and offer your compassion to them. We don’t connect to positivity robots and artificial confidence. We connect with what’s real, that is why we come together so strongly and profoundly through times of hardship and change. Pain has the ability to heal us, and allows us to embrace our vulnerabilities, together as human beings. 

So instead of thinking of something awesome to post as your next Facebook status about how wonderful your life, job, clients, kids etc are… Why not post something honest and vulnerable. Just watch what happens. It will resonate more with your friends than “I am so lucky to have the best life ever”. It is great to express gratitude for your life and be happy (that’s the sweet spot), but dont forget that the vulnerabilities are necessary too. You wouldn’t truly be able to appreciate happiness in your life without knowing the contrast of pain.

Here are some of my honest vulnerabilities:

I have struggled with my weight for the last several years and can never seem to lose more than ten pounds or so. The way I see myself in the mirror is not what others see.

I have horrible self-esteem and often feel like a failure. It prevents me from putting myself out there a lot.

Social situations often make me very uncomfortable and I need to have a drink or two just to be able to talk to people without panicking. 

If I am too happy in my life, I cannot be creative or write. I become blocked. So I need a certain amount of vulnerability and hardship for my creativity to thrive. 

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A Message For You?

Today’s message brought to you by the universe. Enjoy…

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The Boat of the Spiritually Aligned

Why do we overlook the present moment in favor of the next? It’s like giving up the sex to get to the cigarette, choosing the full belly without tasting the turkey, and begging the roller coaster to slow down because we were looking for something a little more long-term.

Stop worrying about failure, making money or finding Mr. Right.

Because truly you are missing what’s right.

Because this here… is what’s right.

Inhale it, taste it, rub it under your skin.

This perfection that we call NOW is your guiding light.

The walls that are seemingly crumbling around you, were built by you. Each and every last brick lovingly placed there with your hardworking fear, and your hard up ear.

It’s here.

The perfection that you both seek and destroy is standing before you waiting for you to acknowledge it’s presence.

But you don’t.

You can’t.

Because you’d rather wrap yourself up tightly in fear, like a horrific pink snuggie while you watch your life play out before you like a made-for-TV movie.

A bad one.

And you look around and everyone else is rockin’ their fear snuggies too, so you think “Well I guess this is what I should do”.

And it so isn’t… What you should do.

You are not living up to the potential that is you.

Fuck the snuggie, fuck the TV, embrace this moment and say “I’m gonna be me.”

You can sit there and judge me as a writer, a poet, a person and a mother… But you won’t evolve your position as a human by doing that. Not even in scat.

You won’t manifest your desires or attract what you seek as long as you allow yourself to wade in the negativity of your own mind.

You’re blind.

Stop looking ahead.

Stop looking behind.

You’re missing the boat of the spiritually aligned.

And I’m just learning to drive this boat. Enjoying the wind in my hair, the sound of the crashing waves around me, and basking in what it feels like to actually float.

And I never knew… I didn’t realize.

That I was the one with the remote.

I have always been the one who controlled this boat.

I used to be left in the wake behind it. Trying to catch a wave that my fear chose. Chasing tomorrows and rainbows, while my intuition fed me deafening blows.

Tomorrow never comes because by the time it gets here it’s already today.

So NOW is all that matters.

Don’t let tomorrow lead you astray.

Focus on my words and what I’ve come here to say.

Take your boat out for a spin

And enjoy the day!

A Certain Destiny

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She preferred to hang around with queens and fags. Breeders just weren’t as interesting and always passed judgment on her extra-curricular activities and porn shop career! So what, if she sold ass plugs and dildos for a living… The people she met at work were far more interesting than any of the corporate robots who worked down the street in the business sector.

Sometimes it got slow during the day. She’d start putting batteries in things, cranking the funk, and dancing around the store like a freak. Occasionally the bells would jingle and someone would come into the store and catch her in all her glory. One particular day the bells jingled just as she was singing into a 12 inch vibrating dildo.

It was her mom.

“Mom… Oh… Hi… Oh my god. What are you doing here?”

“I heard you worked here and I just had to find out for myself.”

“HOLD ON… Let me just turn down the music okay.”

She walked over to the stereo to turn down the P Funk blaring out of the store speakers, while feeling slightly uncomfortable about having her mom standing there beside the sex swing.

Her mom straightened her skirt, looked up and said “Dear… What are you doing here?”

“I’m working mom. This is where I work.”

“This is disgusting. It’s perverted. It’s a porn shop.”

She looked at her mom in disbelief. The things that came out of that woman’s mouth were so horribly narrow minded.

“Here mom, have you ever held a 12 inch vibrating dildo?”

“No… Oh… God… get that thing away from me.”

She laughed… “See the problem isn’t me working here. It’s you not having an open enough mind for it to be acceptable. That’s why I told you I was a trainer. I mean, are you worried about what the neighbours will think mom? Because you don’t have to worry…  I haven’t encountered any of them yet okay. I’ve been here for a year and a half. It’s nothing new.”

She threw the dildo to the floor “who told you anyway?”

“I can’t say” she said

“Was it Mikey? That little fuck. I’m gonna kill him.”

“Leave your brother out of this. It’s not his fault”

Her mom looked around at the merchandise, obviously very disturbed by what she saw. She sighed. “Honey – can’t you just get a job as an assistant or a secretary in an office or something.”

“Actually mom… I’d rather slit my wrists.”

“Oh don’t be so dramatic. There are a ton of jobs out there that are just as exciting as working here.”

“Oh really… Like what?”

“Like… a… a… I don’t know. But there are interesting jobs out there.”

“Well, I’m not looking. I happen to like flogging porn, dildos, and ass plugs… Okay…. Fuck, why are you here?”

Just then the bell jingled and one of her drag friends, Destiny walked in looking positively glam. She ran over and gave her a big kiss! Destiny circled her mom like a land shark, raised an eyebrow and said “What’s with this one?”

“It’s my mom.”

Destiny laughed “Oh girl… Why didn’t you say so. She looks like Dorothy lost in Kansas in here”.

She gave mom a kiss on each cheek leaving a big Red collagen injected plump kiss mark on either side, then grabbed her hand and lead her through the store like a fucking tour guide at a museum. Occasionally her mom looked back for salvation, but she wasn’t about to try to escape Destiny’s 6 ft 2″ clutches.

While her mom and Destiny toured the store she patiently flipped through the pages of a Hustler mag and bit her fingernails nervously. Suddenly she heard a loud roar of laughter come from the back of the store.

“Mom?” She shouted. “You’re not enjoying yourself are you?”

Her mom walked back up to the counter arm in arm with Destiny. They were both giggling like school girls.

“I’m sorry I judged you” she said. “If you are happy here and it’s what you want. I shouldn’t interfere. Besides… I am actually going to make a purchase today. Shhh don’t tell your dad. Destiny recommended this little Jack Rabbit here.”

“MOM!!! TMI… okay… TMI… If you wanna come in here to visit cool, but I don’t wanna know what you’re buying. In fact, if you wanna be a customer here, I’d prefer it if you came on a day when you know that I’m not working. I don’t want or need the distracting and disturbing visual of you getting your rocks off with the Jack Rabbit okay.”

Her mom laughed “Oh lighten up and ring it in will ya.”

Destiny egged her on like a proud mother hen and she left the store happier than a pig in shit with her new Jack Rabbit vibrator in her ambiguous black shopping bag.

She sighed. “Thanks Destiny”

“Oh it’s what I do best honey. No worries! I do have to apologize though… She will be back.”

“Oh fuck are you serious?”

And she was…

Her mom came to visit once every two weeks for the next 3 months, until she finally couldn’t take it anymore, and quit. She took a job in the business sector as a secretary. It was more money but the job was dry as hell. Thankfully, her boss was a fag.

When I Wasn’t Looking

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I don’t know why I always assumed that I would just have what I’ve always wanted out of life. I guess part of growing up is realizing that sometimes your childhood dreams do not transpire, and sometimes those dreams whither away like aging plants… And you just have to let them go.

When I was young it seemed that life was all about the dress rehearsal. The preparation, the planning, the anticipation of a life about to begin. I had a perpetual twinkle in my eye that spoke of my potential, a twinkle that told me to keep dreaming, keep learning, keep planning… Life would soon be here.

And then it arrived without warning.

I think I realized it around 3:45AM one somber Saturday morning after a half bottle of Jack Daniels and what seemed like endless episodes of infomercials about salad spinners, storage containers, and closet space savers. My living room was dark, just the glow of the television on my face. I was curled into a ball, drunk on my sofa… alone. Just like I had never imagined I would be. The kitchen had dishes in the sink that were beginning to smell and I had no desire to wash them.

My cat looked at me sympathetically, echoing the sentiments of my therapist only days earlier when he told me “not everyone needs to be married with kids to have a successful life… You’re a great lawyer, you have lots of friends, financial freedom… Some would consider that to be a tremendous success”.

I knew he was lying. Trying to make my life sound better than it was so that I wouldn’t go home and overdose on Vicodin and Xanax or drown myself in a bathtub filled with really expensive bath salts.

It sounds stupid, but when I was a little girl I used to dream about my married life. About the man (or prince) who would ride into my life like a shining knight in armor and whisk me away from all of life’s hurt and pain, showering me with love and affection for the rest of my life. It never occurred to me that while I was waiting for that man, I would age, become an alcoholic, become bitter and unapproachable, and a completely different person than I envisioned I would be.

Every man who’d ever entered my life was either there to fuck, or there to control me… neither of which impressed me. My relationships always ended badly, like an episode of Who’s the Boss.

I drove them away, or kicked them out… One or the other. But it never lasted long and almost always ended in disaster.

It’s easy for a man to be in his 40s and be single. They don’t get criticized the same way women do. A woman gets labeled and judged, especially one who’s never been married. At least divorcees have each other. Lonely, single, so-called successful women like myself are what’s commonly referred to as “damaged goods”. The question “I wonder why she never married” on the tip of everyone’s inquiring little tongue.

But of course no one asks “hey – what happened to your life anyway?”

No… Instead, they smile, pretend that my life is perfectly normal and complete. That I am happy and satisfied… and then talk about how horribly lonely and depressed I must be behind my back, when they go home to their children and their families. They kiss their children and hold them tight, give their husband an appreciative embrace, as they think about how lucky they are to have what they have, in comparison to me.

I’ve become good at acting the part. Pretending that marriage and kids aren’t what I want. That I don’t have time in my life to have a relationship with anybody, and that I am too focused on my career to even stop to think about those things. Sometimes I even convince people that I don’t like kids, that they annoy me and that I’d make a terrible mother.

People lie to me, and I lie to them. That’s how it goes. Because nobody wants to hear the truth and I can’t handle it sober.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to that dress rehearsal. To the little girl who had a twinkle in her eye… hopes and dreams, and years to fulfill them. I would whisper in her ear “Don’t give up on love. Ever.”

52 and Broken

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She was 52 and broken.
The prospect of children
Now out of the realm of possibility.
Her life had been an unfortunate series
Of bad relationships,
Poor decisions,
Emotional windfalls.
She threw herself into her work.
What else did she have?
She was a successful investment banker
Making a killing on Bay Street.
Most men feared her.
Some wanted to fuck her.
Others just felt sorry for her.
It was obvious,
That her life didn’t pan out
Quite like she had hoped
But at 52
She felt it was too late
To find a man,
To get married,
Have children…
Or
Do all of the things
That she once pictured
Herself doing.
So instead;
She found her salvation
In the comfort of a bottle
Reached for it every night,
To feel it’s embrace.
It’s warm comforting touch.
Her closest relationship,
Best friend.
The only one
Who knew all of her secrets,
Regrets,
Desires,
Broken dreams.
The bottle never let her down.
Was always there for her,
To kiss her gently on her crimson lips
Until she fell into a deep slumber
Woke up in her panty hose
Washed away the booze
And lived the same day
Again
And again
Occasionally finding a
Temporary distraction
But always
Wading her way
Back to the bottle
Avoiding
Life
And the disappointments
It had to offer.

Out with a bang

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Walter was an 85 year old perv who lived in a retirement community in Niagara on the Lake. His wife of 60 years (Pearl) passed away, giving him a new lease on life. When Pearl died, Walter took up drinking and drugs, gained an interest in prostitutes, began gambling at Casino Niagara (where he often got kicked out for pissing in the water fountain), and died his remaining hair Manic Panic Pillarbox Red.

The staff at the Casino rolled their eyes whenever Walter showed up, usually with some awful rented whore on his arm. He sold his Buick and bought a moped, so his dates didn’t always enjoy their ride… especially if Walter was naked, which sometimes he was. But they were usually high anyway. Walter also had this bad habit of taking his Viagra too early, so the staff at the casino sometimes had to kick him out for reasons other than peeing in the fountain.

One early morning Walter and Destiny (a 40 year old stripper with a nasty crack habit) emerged from the Casino whacked on the rock. Walter began having chest pains. Destiny, with a smoke dangling from her lips stopped dead in her tracks.

“Walter – baby are you okay?”

“I – I – I don’t know pudding pop… My chest… It’s tight… I… I may have had one too many blasts from the ol’ base pipe there”

“We gotta go then. We have to get you back to the motel.”

“Hold up just a minute there my beautiful bag bride, I need to catch my breath first. I have more miles on my odometer than you do, remember?”

Destiny stood there with the smoke in her mouth staring at Walter in absolute fear. She began taking drags of her cigarette without using either of her hands. “You know… Honey, if I get thrown in the slammer for posession again, I won’t be out for a while. I need you to pay me now cuz I gotta go sugar.”

Walter held up his hand “Listen now, don’t go gettin’ all greedy on me now. You know I’m good for it. The plan was that you come back to the motel with me and fuck me for the day.”

A security guard began approaching the odd pair. This must have been a trigger for Destiny who began twitching uncontrollably and talking to herself. Walter remained motionless, clutching his chest.

“Do we have a problem sir?”

“No we don’t have a fucking problem you wanna be, so take your pansy ass back over there with your little billy stick and leave us the fuck alone so we can get back to OUR MOTEL AND FUCK.”

Destiny laughed hysterically and squeezed Walters package, which was still solid.

The rent-a-cop shot them both a death stare and said “You two are a couple of nasty cracker jacks! Get out of here.”

Walter & Destiny put on their helmets and headed back to the Super 8 to get their freak on. Destiny’s ass hung out of her mini skirt, exposing her lumpy thighs and ass, much to the dismay of families and tourists. When they got back to the motel neither of them could locate the key, so the decided that breaking the glass was a better idea.

Destiny, who was missing teeth, smiled at Walter when she noticed a wad of cash on the nightstand. “I’ll take that… Then I’m all yours Honey.”

Walter threw the bills at her and said “here, take it all… I’m gonna go hook up with Pearl after this anyhow. I need some rest.”