The Vagina Tragedy


I was attracted to his perfectly coiffed hair, suave urban hipster style, and his confident sexy strut. All of my coworkers swore he was gay, but something about the way my breasts attracted his attention told me otherwise.

Still… I had to find out for myself.

I spotted him at the photocopier, so I quickly unbuttoned two buttons on my blouse and sauntered over in my pencil skirt, swinging my hips like a saucy little bitch.

“Oh. Hey Kai. What’s happening?”

“Well honey, you’re pretty happening” he winked.

I thought I was going to melt through my panties. “That did sound pretty gay though…” I thought to myself. But then the wink. He clearly winked at me! It wasn’t a friendly wink either. It was an “I’d like to remove your panties” wink.

I know winks!!

I leaned against the photocopier and stared into his eyes for a few seconds until he caught my gaze. I smiled seductively and moved out of the way so he could remove his copies from the machine.

He leaned in “Hey – we should go grab a drink some time.”

“Sure.” I said. “I’d love to. How about tonight?” I smirked.

“Yeah…. Okay” he said, totally catching me off guard.

I froze in disbelief then strolled back to my desk with a permanent grin on my face, screaming inside about how exciting this was. I was so ecstatic I forgot to even pretend to make copies!

There was, however a pressing issue. I had to call Kerry and say “IN YOUR FACE”. She told me I was a fag hag.

I dialed her extension

“What?” she said in a bitchy tone.

“Is that how you answer your phone?”  I asked

“Only to you.”

“Who pissed in your cornflakes this morning? Fuck!”

“Look. Sorry… I just got in a fight with Tim. He’s being an ass.”

“Well… Fine whatever, I just wanted to tell you some exciting news. Kai ISN’T GAY!! We’re going out for a drink tonight!”

“What? Really?” she said “You’re gonna have to fill me in on THAT one! I heard he has a Chihuahua named Twinkle.”

I hung up and decided to go home for the rest of the day so I could begin my ritualistic goddess grooming procedures. There was plucking, waxing, and moisturizing to be done! I cranked the tunes, poured myself some wine and danced around my house as I embarked on my aesthetic endeavors.

At 7 o’clock he rang my doorbell. I looked through the peephole and felt myself growl like a hungry cat. I wanted to rip his Parasuco’s off, club him and drag him back to my cave… But first, I had to be a lady. At least for an hour.

I swung the door open and raped him with my eyes.

He smiled and said “Those gals are perfect” referring to my tits. I locked my door, turned into him and cupped his package “Well, we’ll just have to see how you fare”.

So much for being a lady.

Dirty girl it is.

We had appetizers at the bar, working sexual innuendo into our conversation as often as possible. We laughed at each others witty but ballsy style. He invited the gawks of every female in bar, all envious of his deliciousness.

I think it was around 11:30 when I felt myself getting sloppy drunk. He mentioned his dog and I blurted out “Your dog’s name isn’t fucking Twinkle is it?”

He glared at me, bit his lip and said “as a matter of fact it is, why?”

The bar was sort of rocking side to side and Kai occasionally had two heads. One martini too many me thinks. “Better shut my mouth or no cocky for me tonight” I thought.

Now my memory might be slightly askew but I think it was around midnight when I swore he rammed his tongue down another dude’s throat and introduced him as his partner. Then, another guy showed up. More drinks… and well, to make a long story short, I woke up THIS MORNING in the other guys bed!

No Kai… No twinkle… No deliciousness. Just a random who I don’t even remember shagging.

When I got to work I immediately stormed over to Kai’s desk. He giggled, grabbed my arm and dragged me into the lunch room ‘So… How was it last night?” he asked impatiently.

“You know… YOU’RE A FUCKING COCK TEASE!” I shouted.


Rejection at the speed of Porn


She figured that the best way to capture a man was to work out compulsively and tan her body until it resembled an old leather boot. She wasn’t much for talking about the issues of the world, philosophy, or anything to do with spirituality and instead preferred conversations about shopping, working out, and sex.

“Why can’t I find a decent man?” she asked her sister one day

“Maybe they’re just intimidated by you” her sister said

“Yeah that’s probably it.”

One day she saw an ad in the paper for a speed dating event in the bar down the street. With nothing to lose and everything to gain she decided she would go and do her best to open herself up to the possibility of love.

She showed up to the event wearing her best tight mini skirt and bust endowing halter. Her legs were freshly shaved, her toe nails nicely manicured, and she had a brand new pair of black pumps on. Men smiled at her, and she smiled back. The organizer quickly ran through the rules, and the event began.


“So what do you do?” he asked

“I work in the adult entertainment industry.” she declared

His face changed. She quickly took the focus off of herself and asked “What do you do?”

“I’m a commercial lawyer”

The following minute or two got awkward. Rick rudely got up and went to the bathroom.


The next man she met was a scruffy looking guy named Brad. He smiled at her and said “You’re smokin’!”

She gave her best giggle and said “Thanks. You’re sweet.”

“What are you looking for?” he asked her.

“I don’t really know.” she said. “A nice guy who’s interested in more than sex.”

“What do you do?” he asked

“I work in the adult entertainment industry” she said

Brad laughed heartily and said “but you want someone who ISN’T focused on sex?”

“Well… yeah” she said “Why?”

“Shouldn’t you maybe change your career then?”

She stared at him blankly and finished her martini. “You can go now” she said. He left the table and went over to join his buddy at the bar. They both laughed and looked over at her.


Jason sat there sweating silently avoiding all eye contact. He kept compulsively taking sips of his drink and then clearing his throat. “Okay… Shall I start?” she asked

“Uh. Sure. Okay. Whatever you’re comfortable with.” said Jason

“Why are you here?” she asked

“Well, I guess I just don’t seem to have time to find a woman and I thought this might be a good opportunity to connect with someone who shares my interests.”

“What are your interests?” she asked

“Umm well I am a credit analyst, but really my passion is medieval reenactments. I am a member of several medieval clubs in the city and do a number of events. I also really like science fiction movies and have a collection of over 200 DVDs all alphabetized. Some of them still in their original packaging.”

“Cool” she said with a glazed over look in her eyes. “Listen, I have to go to the little girls room.”


BJ was 2 minutes late sitting down for their speed date.

“Sorry I’m late” he said. “Just had to have a quick puff”

“Oh you smoke?” she asked

“Not cigarettes” he smirked

“Oh” she said surprised “Like a lot?”

“I don’t consider pot to be a drug” he said. “It has huge medicinal ingredients and is way better for you than alcohol. Some of my friends get stupid drunk and I just like to smoke a bit of the reef and I’m good. I smoke a few times a day. The first joint of the morning is always best.”

She sat there silently smiling, watching him sway to the background music. Something else was going on in his head.


He was perfect. Hansome, built, stylish, and a great smile.

They flirted immediately. He moved his chair close to hers and touched her hand while looking into her eyes.

She giggled and said “Wow, I wasn’t expecting this”

“Expecting what?” he asked

“To meet someone… I don’t know. Like you.” she said

“You think I’m hot?” he asked

“To say the least” she said. “What about me? You like?”

“I like” he said. “Come on. Let’s get out of here.”

They went back to David’s place and had some wine and small talk, which mostly consisted of sexual inuendos and overt remarks about what they were going to do to each other.

In the morning she woke up with a smile on her face and looked beside her. His side of the bed was empty. She threw on one of his t-shirts and strolled into his kitchen hoping to find him making her breakfast or coffee. Instead, she found a note on the counter that said:

“Thanks for the great night. You are a sexy little vixen. Had to run. See you again soon!”

He didn’t leave his number or ask for hers. She found that very strange and began searching his apartment for anything that might have his phone number on it. After twenty minutes she decided that perhaps it was best if she left hers and trust that he would call her. After all, he did say “see you again soon”. That had to mean something.

Every day for the next week she thought about David and obsessively checked her voicemail. By the second week she started to think that maybe he had misplaced the piece of paper, or maybe he was out of town.

Three weeks went by. He didn’t call.

She quit her job.

Crazy Bitch


She sat on her couch staring blankly at the muted television playing reruns of Seinfeld. She could hear waves of mania whispering in her ear, feel it piercing into her bloodstream, pulsing through her body like an oncoming freight train. Now, all she had to do was wait. It was coming…

She smirked at the TV as she thought about what it would be like to rub butter all over George’s bald head. The visual image of this caused her to laugh hysterically until tears rolled down her cheek and her stomach hurt. Her heart was starting to pound out of her chest. She had to get up and go do something. Sitting on the couch just wouldn’t do, not with this type of energy, she had to get out… she needed to explore.

Feeling pretty good about herself, she put on some bright Red lipstick and a short mini skirt then headed off to do some shopping at Holt Renfrew, somewhere she normally never shopped. She tried on a dozen outfits until she found the one that was just right. Without looking at the price she ripped the tags off and walked out wearing the new outfit, her old one sitting in a trash can outside the dressing room.

The store security chased her out onto the street.

“Ma’am STOP right there NOW!”

She turned around with a smoke dangling from her mouth and a raised eyebrow “What?”

“You didn’t pay for that.”

“Oh” she said unsurprised.

She walked back into the store and threw her credit card down onto the counter.

“That will be $345.”

“Sure. Whatev!”

Dressed to the nines she headed back to her car. She cranked Peaches “Fuck the Pain Away” so loud that the bass rattled her windows and sent vibrations through her body. Disgusted onlookers glared at her harshly when they heard the nasty lyrics proudly pouring from her Honda Civic.

People just weren’t driving fast enough. “A bunch of fucking slow motherfuckers” she whispered under her breath. She laid into her horn getting the finger from several drivers around her. She decided to turn down a one way street (going the opposite direction) to make things faster and pulled up directly outside of a pub with loud music and drunk chicks hanging over the patio balcony.

“Perfect” she said.

Illegally parked on the sidewalk she headed inside.

She opened the door and strutted her ass over to the bar, walking with the swagger of a porn star about to collect the award for Best Fuck. Men stared at her hypnotically as she slid her body from side to side smirking with her pouty Red lips.

A loud obnoxious corporate guy shouted “you’re fucking hot”. She stopped in front of him and grabbed his tie, pulling him close to her, then licked his lips and the tip of his nose. She laughed and turned away from him as he watched her walk away, bewildered and turned on, but a little scared.

She sat by herself at the end of the bar. “I’ll have a double shot of Jack Daniels on the rocks” she shouted to the bartender.

“Sure thing” he said

She sat there for an hour or so and drank 4 double shots of JD, turned down 3 offers to buy her a drink, got 6 dirty looks, and stole 1 wallet. A hot Blonde woman strolled up beside her and asked “this seat taken?”

She smirked “it is now”

“I’m Celeste” the girl said, extending her hand


She swayed back and forth to the music and watched Celeste bent over the bar ordering two drinks; one for each of them. Celeste was wearing impossibly tight jeans, a slinky tube top, and some very nice stilettos. After some small talk and a few more drinks the two girls headed to the dance floor and made heads spin when they began dancing provocatively with each other.

“Lets get out of here” said Celeste

They went back to Trix’s house. The TV was still on mute and all the lights in the house were on. The fridge door was slightly open and the phone was off the hook. They sat on the couch for a few minutes and discussed the art in Trix’s living room.

“Do you wanna do something crazy?” asked Trix


“Lets go downstairs and do some painting. I have this thing with being naked and rolling around in paint, then throwing myself at a canvas. It’s awesome and it makes for some pretty crazy art. You’ll love it. Come on.”

The next morning Trix woke up and looked beside her. Celeste was naked with crusty Red, Black and Pink paint covering most of her body. She looked down at her hands, they too were covered in paint.

Her bed was smeared with paint, the sheets would now be drop cloths.

She sat there with wide eyes surveying the carnage of her bed. “Sex, paint, and alcohol… That’s what happened” she thought to herself. Suddenly she burst out laughing waking Celeste, who opened her eyes smiling. She grabbed Trix and pulled her close “You’re a crazy bitch” she said kissing her on the forehead.

“I know” said Trix “I know.”

A Certain Destiny


She preferred to hang around with queens and fags. Breeders just weren’t as interesting and always passed judgment on her extra-curricular activities and porn shop career! So what, if she sold ass plugs and dildos for a living… The people she met at work were far more interesting than any of the corporate robots who worked down the street in the business sector.

Sometimes it got slow during the day. She’d start putting batteries in things, cranking the funk, and dancing around the store like a freak. Occasionally the bells would jingle and someone would come into the store and catch her in all her glory. One particular day the bells jingled just as she was singing into a 12 inch vibrating dildo.

It was her mom.

“Mom… Oh… Hi… Oh my god. What are you doing here?”

“I heard you worked here and I just had to find out for myself.”

“HOLD ON… Let me just turn down the music okay.”

She walked over to the stereo to turn down the P Funk blaring out of the store speakers, while feeling slightly uncomfortable about having her mom standing there beside the sex swing.

Her mom straightened her skirt, looked up and said “Dear… What are you doing here?”

“I’m working mom. This is where I work.”

“This is disgusting. It’s perverted. It’s a porn shop.”

She looked at her mom in disbelief. The things that came out of that woman’s mouth were so horribly narrow minded.

“Here mom, have you ever held a 12 inch vibrating dildo?”

“No… Oh… God… get that thing away from me.”

She laughed… “See the problem isn’t me working here. It’s you not having an open enough mind for it to be acceptable. That’s why I told you I was a trainer. I mean, are you worried about what the neighbours will think mom? Because you don’t have to worry…  I haven’t encountered any of them yet okay. I’ve been here for a year and a half. It’s nothing new.”

She threw the dildo to the floor “who told you anyway?”

“I can’t say” she said

“Was it Mikey? That little fuck. I’m gonna kill him.”

“Leave your brother out of this. It’s not his fault”

Her mom looked around at the merchandise, obviously very disturbed by what she saw. She sighed. “Honey – can’t you just get a job as an assistant or a secretary in an office or something.”

“Actually mom… I’d rather slit my wrists.”

“Oh don’t be so dramatic. There are a ton of jobs out there that are just as exciting as working here.”

“Oh really… Like what?”

“Like… a… a… I don’t know. But there are interesting jobs out there.”

“Well, I’m not looking. I happen to like flogging porn, dildos, and ass plugs… Okay…. Fuck, why are you here?”

Just then the bell jingled and one of her drag friends, Destiny walked in looking positively glam. She ran over and gave her a big kiss! Destiny circled her mom like a land shark, raised an eyebrow and said “What’s with this one?”

“It’s my mom.”

Destiny laughed “Oh girl… Why didn’t you say so. She looks like Dorothy lost in Kansas in here”.

She gave mom a kiss on each cheek leaving a big Red collagen injected plump kiss mark on either side, then grabbed her hand and lead her through the store like a fucking tour guide at a museum. Occasionally her mom looked back for salvation, but she wasn’t about to try to escape Destiny’s 6 ft 2″ clutches.

While her mom and Destiny toured the store she patiently flipped through the pages of a Hustler mag and bit her fingernails nervously. Suddenly she heard a loud roar of laughter come from the back of the store.

“Mom?” She shouted. “You’re not enjoying yourself are you?”

Her mom walked back up to the counter arm in arm with Destiny. They were both giggling like school girls.

“I’m sorry I judged you” she said. “If you are happy here and it’s what you want. I shouldn’t interfere. Besides… I am actually going to make a purchase today. Shhh don’t tell your dad. Destiny recommended this little Jack Rabbit here.”

“MOM!!! TMI… okay… TMI… If you wanna come in here to visit cool, but I don’t wanna know what you’re buying. In fact, if you wanna be a customer here, I’d prefer it if you came on a day when you know that I’m not working. I don’t want or need the distracting and disturbing visual of you getting your rocks off with the Jack Rabbit okay.”

Her mom laughed “Oh lighten up and ring it in will ya.”

Destiny egged her on like a proud mother hen and she left the store happier than a pig in shit with her new Jack Rabbit vibrator in her ambiguous black shopping bag.

She sighed. “Thanks Destiny”

“Oh it’s what I do best honey. No worries! I do have to apologize though… She will be back.”

“Oh fuck are you serious?”

And she was…

Her mom came to visit once every two weeks for the next 3 months, until she finally couldn’t take it anymore, and quit. She took a job in the business sector as a secretary. It was more money but the job was dry as hell. Thankfully, her boss was a fag.

Prose Stimulus


I was going through a period of intense reclusiveness. Most days I ignored my phone, deleted emails without reading them, and even disregarded a few knocks on my door. I had a book due in exactly 45 days and hadn’t typed so much as a first sentence. The impending deadline, which often served as a motivator for me to finish my projects, was now making me paralyzed.

On day 40, after 5 days of not showering, drinking nothing but single malt scotch, and smoking several packs of cigarettes, I decided that my house might have been part of the problem. I looked around and surveyed the dim lighting, thick hanging smoke, and dart holes in the wall (where I had previously posted a photograph of my agent, until it had so many holes in it, it fell to the ground).

I decided to go to a hot yoga class. Maybe that was just what I needed to get centered. Maybe ideas would flow freely through my body as I did the downward facing dog in a 104 degree room with sweaty new age hippies.

The room was unbearable!! We hadn’t even started yet and I was already pouring with sweat. My sweat smelled like scotch and cigarettes. I think the guy in front of me wanted a lick because he kept looking back and smiling. He was very good looking and had a great body, almost too good to be straight.

“Bisexual?” I wondered.

After the class, where I had managed to sweat a week’s worth of scotch and cigs out of my body, he came up and introduced himself. I noticed immediately, that he had a hard on. Since I was pretty sure that he was aware of my absence of cock, I decided that he was straight or bi, and that either one was fine with me!

“Have you been here before?” he asked

“That’s so cliche” I shot back

He laughed and said “Well how would you like me to begin then?”

Still a little dizzy and possibly not sober I said “How about: Let’s go fuck”

He laughed nervously as I stared at him stone cold in the face “You… You’re serious aren’t you?”

“I never know” I said “stuff just comes out of my mouth, and by the time it’s out, it’s too late to stop it”

“Do you like martini’s?”

“I like anything with more than 14% alcohol” I said

We walked out the front door together with knowing smiles on our faces. First we were going to go through the motions and have a drink together before we fucked, because that was one of the steps on the ladder of sexual attraction. I sensed he wasn’t comfortable fucking me anonymously, although his penis staunchly disagreed.

We went to a place called the Green Martini and sat in a corner, extremely close to each other. Being that it was 3 o-clock in the afternoon and happy hour hadn’t started yet, we had the place to ourselves.

I smiled “So… David, what do you do other than picking up stressed out writers at hot yoga class?”

“Well – I work with senior citizens with stage 2 cancer. I help them with their diets and exercise regiment… And I’d like to think, extend the length of their lives.”

“Oh nice… Jesus and Satan are having a martini together”

He looked at me sideways and said “Well if you’re Satan then I will gladly go to hell in a handbasket”

After a few martinis we decided that we should go to his place, mine wasn’t fit for living, nevermind company. I just told him that I lived too far and that I had an angry pit bull who might tear his face off. The truth was, my place was closer than his, I had a cat not a dog, and I just didn’t want him to see the carnage that had been taking place at my house over the last week.

He lived in an impossibly well-decorated condo by the lake. Open concept, modern, and impeccably clean. No sign of a woman either, which was good. I looked for shoes, accessories, or anything feminine. We shared another drink out on his patio, this time, our drink was secondary to the reason we were both there. He took my glass from me, stared deep into my eyes and pressed his anatomy into my hip.

We never did finish our drink. We spent the afternoon and early evening in his tempurpedic bed.

I left around 7:30.

Just as I was walking down his hall, he shouted “Hey wait… I don’t have your number”.

I thought about it for a second. The sex was good. He was hot. But relationships… Ugh! So not my thing.

“Give me yours” I shouted back.

I entered his number into my phone (for real) but never ended up calling. It turns out, David was just what I needed to finish my book. I went home that night, sexed out and exhausted, but more motivated than I had been in months. I spent the next two weeks writing and smoking. Only breaking for snacks and bathroom breaks.

My agent called me on day 44.

“Is it done?”

“All done” I smiled

“Great! Send it over! What’s it about?”

“It’s about a self-destructive, sexaholic writer who tries to live a normal life, but can’t.”

“Sounds familiar” he laughed

I hung up and sighed a huge sigh of relief. No more pressure for at least another year!

My blackberry beeped. It was a text message, from who I can only assume was David.

It said: Found You! I’m calling you tonight!

I groaned (half in agony, half in anticipation) as I thought ” Well, it’s not all bad… Maybe I can get another book out this year.”

Dirty Thirty… It’s Universal.

So me and Luvaboy are BOTH turning thirty this year and within a couple of weeks of each other, so we decided that we should throw a dirty thirty party. I have been scouring the net for ideas. So far I am thinking; dirty martinis, retro porn, Rockband, a dirty pinata (filled with condoms and sex toys), phallic food and sex themed drinks, and retro tunes.

I need a porn that won’t make people who aren’t sexually liberated feel terribly uncomfortable… Maybe Fritz the Cat or something. Suggestions warmly welcomed.

This video is what Diesel did for their Dirty Thirty party. They held a party in 17 cities around the world and created this re-edited 70’s porn to promote the parties. What a masterpiece.

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Tokyo Pop


When I met him, he was really into anime. When I say really into anime, I mean obsessed to the point of distorted reality. I used to enjoy the sex, the costumes and the fake Japanese accents. It was fun… But then it got weird.

He was in between jobs having just been fired from the factory. He was sort of happy about it though, since being a poultry processor turned him into a staunch vegetarian. He was seeking new ventures, since there wasn’t another poultry manufacturer for miles.

“What about working on a farm?” he asked

“No” I said

“Why not? What’s wrong with working on a farm?”

“Well for starters, there’s 4 inches of snow out there and our rent can’t wait for you to find that perfect farm job. I can’t handle all of the bills alone on my waitressing salary.”

“What about a being a roofer?”

“Again Devon… Who the fuck is thinking about getting their roof re-shingled in January? Seriously… Just look at the classifieds.” I flung the paper at him.

“How are we gonna get to the convention next month? I can’t miss it… They’re releasing the special edition Fujiko Chin dolls.”

“How about you think about a job first?”

He stormed off to the kitchen and returned with his Neon Genesis Evangelion cup filled with Chocolate Milk. He slurped for a while before declaring “I need a job in anime. Nothing else is going to make me happy. It’s where I belong.”

I laughed condescendingly and said “NOT GONNA HAPPEN”

“Why… just because i’m not an artist?” he said

He left the room and slammed the bedroom door. I rolled my eyes and turned up the TV. He was in there for a while practicing one of his character impressions, I could hear him, although I’m almost certain that he thought I couldn’t.

He came out of the room about an hour later wearing something that resembled the leather guy from The Village People; his ass cheeks hanging out, hairy balls bouncing around and a leather whip in his hand.

“I’m not in the mood Devon.” I said

“Mood for what?” he said “I’m going out!”

“LIKE THAT?” I asked “You’ll get gang banged.”

“I won’t. I’ll drive there. I’m going to my anime club. They don’t mind. A lot of people dress like this. People aren’t judgemental about showing skin.”

“You’re weird…”

“That’s up for interpretation” he said.

I shuddered as he left the apartment. I needed a drink in a bad way by this point and headed to the kitchen to pour myself some sake. Of course we couldn’t just have regular beer or wine in the house…  It had to be authentic Japanese Sake.

I looked around our apartment at all of the Anime and Manga posters on the wall, the figurines, and the convention swag. My friends all thought I was crazy for allowing this stuff to qualify as decor in our house. The truth was, I kinda liked it (as much as I didn’t admit it to my girlfriends). Some of those anime bitches were hot, so I got to sport some pretty cool costumes and wigs.

But this… this latest gay rendition of anime fan psychosis. Leaving the house dressed like a desperate boy in need of a dick, was too much for me. Was he taking it up the rear on the side? I asked myself.

I got pissed on Sake and bitched to my girlfriend Stacey on the phone, while she urged me to find a man and ditch the boy. I told her that the sex (while sometimes weird) was really good, and that leaving wasn’t an option.  She, along with most of my other girlfriends, didn’t see the appeal. They didn’t know him like I did. They didn’t fuck him like I did.

He came home late that night, just after 1am. He looked a little drunk and tried to sneak into bed, not knowing that I was awake and dressed in my Rukia costume which never failed to make him hot. I stroked him a little bit and realized that his junk was already completely drained and non-responsive.

“You’re gay aren’t you?” I asked

“Kind of” he said before fading into a drunken slumber

The next day I ripped down all of his posters, and put all of his anime crap in a garbage bag outside of the apartment before ripping the covers off of him and kicking his ass out for good.

He tried to explain, but I wasn’t having it. For months and months I felt sick every time I saw anything that even remotely reminded me of anime. Which is why it was ironic, that I scored a job in anime soft porn, making fistfuls of dollars. It was my silently gay anime obsessing boyfriend, that made me an icon in Tokyo.