If I were to write a personal ad

Okay so I’m not the type to host Tupperware parties, have dinner on the table at six, and give arduous blowjobs every night for spending cash. And if I disagree with you, I might make you feel like a total fucking idiot, but never on purpose I swear. I will never expect you to pay for everything and will always feel better knowing that I make more money than you or if you’re doing well, that I WILL make more money than you. That way I will never be dependent on you for my sense of self-worth or liveliness… And you can call me your sugar mommy. Just don’t let that be interpreted as a license to be a lazy fuck with a sense of entitlement who contributes nothing. Because you will find your shit on the front lawn burning in a garbage can spray painted with the words “BUH BYE NOW”. I will always turn my head and appreciate pretty 20 something year old men who I deem as delicious eye candy, but don’t worry… They aren’t you and couldn’t handle me anyway. I will probably turn the TV off or change the channel if you are watching sports because it simply does not interest me, and hey – you do what you want on your own time, but sports is not my kind of idea of time well spent together. I am more into talking about IDEAS and wanna hear more than just your opinion on that last goal. If you listen to bad music, I am probably gonna call you out on it and attempt to re-school you in the art of tunage. I like surprises and will surprise you if you surprise me, that’s how it works. If you stop surprising me. I’ll probably stop surprising you, and well… then it’ll just be kinda boring and predictable won’t it?! I don’t like boring. Every day I wanna do something different, learn something new, and be inspired. If you play the guitar or drums, I like that. I will write lyrics and we will sing together and make music… But not bad music… Good music. Music that makes your insides feel like they are going to burst open into the heavens and touch everything around you. I won’t like it if you’re needy, but a little bit of adorable jealousy is okay from time to time. You’re gonna have to be okay with my relentless digital flirtations because it’s all a part of the package and one of the things that makes me who I am, so if you’re not secure enough with yourself better find the door and fast because I will chew you up and spit you out! I like tattoos and body piercings and accessories with pink skulls on them… It would be nice if you had at least one piercing or tattoo, but don’t worry… by the time I get my hands on you you’ll be tatted LARGE and I’ll be lovin’ up on ya! But please don’t tattoo mommy on your arm because that is a huge fucking turn off and I will probably vomit and then punch you. If your mommy is a big part of your life that’s sweet… Just don’t let her come up in conversation too often or you will see the back of my head as I run like the wind… away from you! I will not cram my lovely little toes into ridiculous heels EVER. I like Chuck Taylors and will rock them hard. I am not a Barbie girl and don’t plan on having bunions when I’m older. If you refer to women as “bitches” better get a safe distance away from me before my foot finds its way in between your legs and you start screaming like a little bitch. Women are women… ladies… girls… females…. goddesses…. call us what you will…. But bitches we are not. (Unless we lovingly refer to our own girlfriends that way… then it’s cool… just not for you). If you are a liar we’re not gonna work out… I don’t respect people who can’t tell the truth and will probably see right through every lie you deliver, whether I tell you that or not. If you’re happy living a lie I’m sure there’s some broad out there willing to live it with you… I am NOT her. And last but not least, don’t ever offer to pay half on a date because that is cheesy… Not just cheesy but super cheesy. Like stinky blue cheese. I’ll pay… Or you pay… But we’re not in fucking high school here. Be a man and pay for the date you cheap ass motherfucker!


5 thoughts on “If I were to write a personal ad

  1. That is a perfect ad! Honestly, almost as if I wrote it myself. The pic at the top, too – Chucks n’ stripey stockings. Love it! I already found mine, but have to agree with just about everything you’ve stated. ‘Cept that I simply adore stinky blue cheese. . .

  2. Just letting you know that Pwn Greenland was bought from me a while back. So unless you want a link to a site offering cheap vacation deals, you may as well get rid of that link. Hope all is well,


  3. Delightfully direct. I love full disclosure. The guy that would find you through that add will be just right, I might guess. Or at least will know exactly what who he is dancing with, and whether to therefore up the ante or cash in and vamoose.

    We humans may not be the exact same person from one point in time to the next, and therefore not accountable for utter consistency in our actions or stated positions over time.

    But better to live it all out on your sleeve (like your ad), and move through changing perceptions and values together, than to fearfully hide behind some mask that we hope will buy us approval, acceptance, love or whatever, at the expense of our companions never knowing our real selves, and finding out where that would take us.

    This (your ad) is my idea of genuinely “living large.”

  4. Ya it sounded really good and all right upto the part where you decided to dress up your man, cover him in tattoos and pierce him.

    Why girls always want to dress a guy up like their her dolly is beyond me…

    Better change that part or you won’t end up with anything except a sports watching house husband.

  5. I hope your longish absence since April means your ad’s been answered and you’re too busy doing something different and exciting every day to do a daily blog! Any chance of that, Selina Jane? Best wishes.

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