The Clap


Sarah sat in the waiting room nervously, biting her nails and alternating which leg she crossed every 2 minutes or so. Flashes of one night stands with nameless men running through her mind like a movie reel on 8X fast forward.

Ten months ago, she dumped her boyfriend of twelve years. Bryan, her high school sweetheart and the only dick she’d ever really known. The sex was getting boring and predictable, he was getting fatter, and she was way more excited about her dildo than the prospect of sleeping with him. She pictured a long, boring, sexless life ahead of her, filled with regret and lacking in excitement!

It wasn’t until she approached her thirties that she began questioning her relationship. Her girlfriends would tell her that they found it incredibly odd that she hadn’t slept with anyone but him. They’d ask her if she ever thought of having an affair, or how she knew he was any good in bed when she had no one to compare him to. “It’s like being at a buffet and only trying the Chicken” they’d say. She openly talked about sex with her girlfriends, who made her feel like Mother Teresa compared to their slutty and non-settled ways. They treated men as disposable accessories. None of them wanted or craved a relationship.

One night she tried dressing up like a cowgirl to surprise Bryan. She bought a whip, a cowboy hat, and some boots. Put her hair into cute little pigtails and came out of the bathroom cracking her whip wearing nothing but the hat and boots. Bryan took one look at her and started laughing hysterically. He thought it was a joke. His cock off to one side, limper than a soggy string bean!

This angered Sarah tremendously. She took off one of her boots and flung it at Bryan’s head, the heal made a nice gash in his Right temple! She said “You suck… Why am I wasting my life with you?”

Bryan just figured it was PMS, but the very next day while he was at work, Sarah moved out. She took all of her shit (and some of his) and moved in with one of her girlfriends who made a healthy six figure salary and had a massive downtown condo. Her name was Layla. She was a bitch on Bay Street working in the financial district, and a total whore!

Every night Sarah would listen to Layla getting pounded by some random dude. She picked them up everywhere, brought them home, fucked them, then gave them the wrong number or just cold heartedly kicked them out. She had zero interest in relationships, didn’t want to report her whereabouts to any man, and genuinely loved to fuck!

Sarah idolized her.

Of course it was only a matter of time before Sarah and Layla began hitting the clubs together. They acted more like horny college guys than women, and brought home different guys a few times a week. They were what most would call “cougs”… Horny women in their 30s who just wanna get laid.

One morning Sarah woke up and her crotch was itchy and burning. “Layyyyyla” she screamed

“What hon”

Sarah began crying “I don’t know… My fuckig pussy is sore, it’s burning. What does that mean?”

Layla smiled, “Don’t worry, it’s probably nothing… At most it’s The Clap”

Sarah threw her head into her hands and bawled shouting “The Clap? What the fuck is The Clap?”

Layla said “Dude, I’ve had a half dozen STDs in my life… They go away! Sometimes it just happens. Just don’t fuck for a week.”

Sarah began thinking about the past few months she’d had. Sure they’d been fun, but she never bothered to ask any of the men she brought home if they had anything, and only a couple insisted on condoms. More often than not, they were drunk and careless. She just assumed that it was safe.

She stared at the cold tiled floor in the doctors office illuminated by the harsh fluorescent lighting.

“Sarah Walters?” called the nurse

She jumped up nervously and ran down the hall to the office. She could feel her heart beating loudly, her palms were sweaty, she felt every swallow of saliva go down her throat nervously. The walls were narrow and her eye sight was blurry. Visions of disease began cycling through her head like a fucking horror show.

She sat down and did some deep breathing exercises. Tried to tell herself that no matter what happened it would be fine. She could always sleep with Bryan, give him The Clap and then he’d have to take her back.

“Hi Sarah, how are you?” said the Doctor, “Haven’t seen you in a while. Your mom was just in the other day.”

Ohhhhhh gawd she thought to herself. Please don’t talk about my family right now.

“So, it looks like you have an infection” he said

Sarah’s eyes went wide, as if surprised by this startling news flash “Oh really? What kind of infection?” She asked.

“Nothing to worry about. Just a little yeast infection that’s all.”

Sarah started laughing hysterically “A yeast infection?” she shouted. “Really?”

The doctor looked at her precariously and said “Yes, a yeast infection.”

He handed her a prescription and she danced her way down the hall and back through the waiting room. “IT WAS JUST A FUCKING YEAST INFECTION… IT’S NOT THE CLAP!!” she shouted on her way out the door. Roars of laughter from the waiting room rang through the air.

Sarah was happy. She didn’t have to go back to Bryan afterall.


6 thoughts on “The Clap

  1. Good for her. Clearly, life’s too short having the same “soggy string bean” every night. Sometimes, you’ve gotta treat yourself to the overstuffed blood sausage (or cherry pie, if one were inclined to swing that way).

  2. I wonder if the people in the waitng room gave her “applause”.
    You have a great ability for putting “so much” in a small amount of space.

  3. Don’t agree w/ MVD. But hey.. we all have different opinions & that’s what keeps life interesting. I must agree whole-heartedly with Lisa though. You tell alot in short stories.

  4. As always, your honesty is breathtaking. Variety is the spice of life but not sure if it’s worth a communicable disease.

  5. Your imagination is amazing! You pack so much emotions and information into a single post. Giving Bryan the clap might just be worth the infection but having to go back to him would have been too depressing! Lol! Keep ’em coming so i cam keep reading!

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