Our first (and last) date consisted of a monster truck rally, a corn dog, a few beers, and some low brow discussion that could only be matched by a gun-toting red neck living in a trailer with a toilet on his front lawn. We had absolutely NOTHING in common… except that we both had profiles posted on LavaLife. He liked my tits and I liked his headless profile picture. Which… in retrospect, should’ve been a warning sign.
When we spoke on the phone, I thought his total lack of culture and intelligence was just because he was shy. He knew I was into wine, art, fashion and music… So I never quite figured out why he was so insistent on taking me to a monster truck rally. In retrospect… I should’ve noticed the Red flags.
I had been going through a rather severe dry spell and wasn’t really interested in a relationship, so much as I was in getting laid. But when he came to pick me up in his 1985 rusty mustang crankin’ ACDC Thunderstruck… I knew that it was gonna be a bust. I couldn’t back out though, he was there at my door… Well, okay. Not at my door, but parked in my driveway honking his horn. Waiting for me.
Reluctantly, I headed out the door… Popping a few Vicodin’s on my way to his car. He hooted and hollered at me as I approached the car, like I was some sort of show dog. The car door creaked horrifically when I opened it.
“Hi” I said
“Hello to you pretty lady. Looking Goooood.”
I smiled in front of gritting teeth, desperately wanting to get out and say “you know what dude… this just isn’t gonna work for me”.
But I didn’t.
I sat there knowing that I was not going to enjoy my night out with this primate and that our evening was not going to end with an orgasm!
“Do you like ACDC?” he asked as he cranked it up furthering the deafening blows to my eardrums.
“SURE” I shouted “I CAN SEE YOU’RE A FAN.”
He rocked back and forth tapping his steering wheel aggressively as I dug inside my purse to locate some dark disguising sunglasses. It would be the end of me if anyone saw me with this guy. The Vicodin’s were beginning to kick in, which was good. “A little pill cocktail, some booze, and a sense of humour should get me through the night” I thought. My eyes were getting glazed over and I felt like I was in a red neck video game where the goal is to trash the car.
We got to the monster truck rally and took our seats. He looked at me grinning ear to ear “good seats eh”.
“Uh heh… Great” I said sarcastically.
“Are you hungry or anything? I don’t mind picking us up a corn dog” he said
“Wow, aren’t I lucky. I’d love a corn dog. Are you sure you don’t mind picking up the tab?”
“Anything for you pretty lady.”
“How about a pint of Stella then too since you’re up”
I reveled in the ten minutes I had to myself, popped another Vicodin for good measure and checked my cell phone for possible booty calls.
Nothing. This fuck was my only prospect… How horribly depressing.
He came back with two beers and two corn dogs. I watched him in utter disgust as he scarfed down his corn dog while talking, bits of food flying out of the corner of his mouth and stuck between his teeth. I think he sensed my disgust because he said “Oh shit I guess it’s kinda rude to talk with yer mouth open isn’t it.”
I smiled a loopy pill-induced smirk. He droned on about sports, pit bulls, hunting, cars, and sex. I tried to contain my excitement. I sent him to get me a 3rd beer and he dug his hand into his pocket in defeat “Actually, I only have about $5 left on me and I need that for gas”.
I raised an eyebrow and dug in my purse for a $20.
“Here” I said “Keep the change” and then under my breath I said “you filthy animal” as he turned his back.
When he returned with another beer ten minutes later I was talking to a nice guy named Jake who was sitting next to me. He happened to work on the same street as I did. We were laughing about my date, and coming up with hilarious excuses for me to leave.
The primate was angered by this.
“Hey – are you talking to my girl you fuck?”
“Uhhh totally NOT your girl” I interjected
“Listen sweetheart, I’ll handle this”
He puffed up his chest like an animal, raised his chin and said “I’ll be watching you, you dumb shit.” (which I thought was very ironic). Thankfully Jake and I had already exchanged numbers while the primate was getting my beer. I winked at him and he knew not to talk to me until I ditched the cave man.
The only female driver in the show was about to crush 20 cars with her hot pink monster truck. I actually got excited and started hollering. He looked at me and said “what are you cheering for her for? She sucks. You can’t have no Pink fuckin’ monster truck. And anyway… I don’t trust anything that bleeds for 7 days and doesn’t die.”
It was at that point I began laughing hysterically. At me, at him, at the fact that I was even there. It was time to use one of those excuses Jake and I had come up with. “Listen – I’m gonna have to go. I just remembered, I am supposed to attend the opening of my garage door.”
“What? You’re leaving NOW?”
Jake stood up, put his arm around me and said “No dude… WE’RE LEAVING.”
“You’re a whore” he said
“You never had a chance” I shot back “Not even close. You’re worse than a bad case of explosive diarrhea!”
Jake pushed him down into his seat as we walked past and got the hell out of there.
And my night ended with an orgasm after all.