This is a story about a word…
One day I lost it over this word.
The word was controlling my life, and causing me some strife.
I remember thinking, if I hear this word one more time so help me OPRAH I’m gonna SNAP.
I’ll tell you what the word is, if you promise not to repeat it…
That is of course unless you’re under the age of 12 and then I can’t really blame you, because that’s what you people do! It consumes every fiber of your being!
But I can get mad at you.
And… hey, if you’re under the age of 12, what the fuck are you doing reading this anyway? Shouldn’t you be at school or in bed or something. What kind of parents…
I digress. Distress…. These words make such a mess.
This particular word that I hate, could be something really great. But because I hear it so often and by two people that are only four, and they don’t use it casually or sprinkle it like pepper… they’re FUCKING hardcore. I can’t take it anymore!
The word that I am talking about is “WANT”
Now, I know you might not get it. You might think “Selina you have issues” and you’re not entirely wrong, but your missing the point of my song.
I hear this word 50, 65, 86, 100 times a day. And not by one deafening high pitched little diva of a voice, but by two… because I don’t have a daughter, I have daughters and they gang up on me, they talk continuously, and tell me things to nauseating degrees of repetition and the only time they stop to breathe is when one of them passes the baton to the other sister… while I am left spinning my head, my ears about to explode, my eyes glazed over as I hear “and I want… and I want… want want want want fucking want” until the word WANT becomes like my mortal enemy.
I hate WANT now.
WANT and me are at odds,
in fact I want to KICK WANT’S ASS!
If I was walking down the street and saw WANT, I’d probably throw my purse to the floor and kick it in the balls. Because I don’t know if you know this, but WANT has BIG BALLS. Big hairy ones.
I knew the only thing I could do to beat WANT at it’s own game was to turn my girls against WANT. Make them think WANT was a loser… like the kid in class that eats paste and always gets stuck with the brown crayon.
And so started the classical conditioning. Yes I’m a bad mother.
Day One went a little something like this:
“Mommy I want – ”
“Did you know that little girls that say WANT sometimes spontaneously explode into a flaming ring of fire. Yep, it’s true. Santa was telling me.”
“Mommy I want – ”
“Hey – Did you know that the word WANT actually means DON’T WANT. Who knew.”
“Guess what I want -”
“WANT was just declared the most disgusting word of the year, did you know that? Ask your teacher, she’ll tell you.”
A little hesitant now, but still with the whining…
“Mommy – I want -”
“NO… NO YOU DON’T”
First comes the glare, then the tug on my shirt, then a faint whisper “Mommy, I want -”
And I can tell I am winning. WANT is getting weak. WANT is losing!! WANT is becoming my little bitch and I’m FEELING GOOD ABOUT IT.
Honey – whenever you are about to use the word WANT, stop yourself. Remember that WANT is greedy, WANT is ugly, Beautiful princesses like you don’t need to be saying things like “I WANT I WANT”
The phrase “I WANT” can be replaced with much nicer phrases like “I HOPE FOR”, “I WOULD APPRECIATE”, and “I WOULD LIKE”…
There was a long silence while my daughter studied the Littlest Pet Shop commercial for the entire 28 seconds it graced our television. She looked at me questionably while pointing to the TV and said “Mommy… I really NEED to have one of those”.
And that was the day, that I fucking missed WANT.