My cat is an Asshole

Here's the little fucker scaling our screen door thinking he can get out.

Here's the little fucker scaling our screen

My cat is a fucking asshole. I love cats… but man, he’s a DICK! He is completely selfish and cares for no one but himself. He routinely attacks my daughters, their toys, and other breakable valuables around the house. He knocks things over. He killed our fish. He ruined our carpets, and he continues to rip them to shreds while staring right at us, as if to mock us. If he’s hungry and hasn’t had his meal in a timely manner, he will jump on the counter where his bag of food is and use his evil little claws to rip the bag into a hundred million pieces while bits of food lay strewn about the counter and floor. The other day he got into our garbage can and we came home to find nasty bits of garbage tattered and littered on our kitchen floor. He routinely tries to escape the house and really feels that he belongs “out there” but doesn’t realize that everyone else will think hes an asshole too. I’m sure the raccoons would love to rip his fucking face off. It’s not like he will make friends! Who would want to be friends with a bastard like him.

He’s a PRICK!

I thought cutting his balls off would make him chill out a little, and it did for a week or so, but he’s almost worse now, as if to make up for his lack of manhood. And despite the many things he’s damaged in our house and the countless times he’s drawn blood from one of us… I just can’t fucking bring myself to get him declawed! I can’t amputate the little fucker! And if anyone has given me a reason to WANT to, it’s this little asshole! When he ran away for 6 hours… I was depressed. But WHY??? Because I missed his vigilante attacks on my feet in the morning… his cutting me off down the stairs almost making me fall to my death… his murdering of the other family pets… his total destruction of our furniture and everything we own?

He’s not even a year old… so it’s not like I have his death to look forward to.

* Sigh

AddThis Social Bookmark Button

Advertisements

9 thoughts on “My cat is an Asshole

  1. ROFLMAO!!!!! Oh my gawd! I hate to laugh partly at your expense, but I can SO relate. I think that his evil sister is in our house.

  2. Oh cats are so funny. I have a dog who basically isn’t happy unless he was terrorizing the cat we had so I had to give her to my mom because she pretty much lived under the bed for 2 weeks and the dog just isn’t happy unless he’s scooching . The good thing is she lives on the main level of our house so I still get to see her.
    I rescued like 5 cats within the last year. 2 are outside which I just bought them a cool cat house and they stay in there together and 1 of them that had 3 kittens that I got adopted out,plus I got the mama fixed and she stays with her brother in the house right outside the front door and her other kitten from last year’s litter that I grabbed and also pawned off on my poor mother.
    I think we’re done. I haven’t seen any other cats around for about 6 months since I got her fixed except her brother. He just won’t come near anyone but I think I have to have a serious effort to capture him in the spring and get him done. I’m just too exhausted to think about it right now.
    This wasn’t my ideal scenario but I did what needed to get done.

  3. MrCorey: Oh man… So your cat’s a bitch eh. Too bad we didn’t breed them, they could’ve created the most lovely satanic little kittens… LOL!

    Ivy: I know. I was actually mad at him while I wrote this, and then a bit later when I came back to read it I laughed too. It really is a love/hate relationship…

    Lisa: Sometimes I WISH we had a nice big Doberman or German Shepard just to put him in his place. I bet he would be a lot more humble. Sounds like you’ve got your hands full with kitties. At least they’re not ripping apart your furniture (I hope).

  4. Given my experience with mammals of the feline persuasion, your cat sounds perfectly normal. I’m an avid reader of the classic book 101 Uses for a Dead Cat.

    Just thought I’d try to cheer you up:-)

  5. Poobah: I’m sure you’re right. I think they are all assholes, and some of them are dicks (why do I feel a Team America speech coming on here…)

    Steve: Pussy’s are great! Did you know that having your cat declawed is illegal in most countries. North America is really the only place that it’s allowed. It’s pretty much the equivalent to cutting off the tips of all of your fingers. (not pretty)

  6. He’ll get better. My parents have a cat that my little sister called Swoop (she got her after her kitten Bodie got run over by a train and I forgot what happened to Harley who was a cool kitty because he would sit on your shoulder like a parrot). Anyway Swoop is called such because she would swoop in from nowhere, rip your legs to shreds then bugger off. I swear I heard her snicker one time.

    Now she’s fine. Pretty tame and friendly, although partial to the odd claw every now and then as she’s making a snuggly place for her at your expense.

    I think it must be a teenager thing. They need a good kick in the choppers but you’re not allowed to do anything like that because of the law and so they get away with murder until they grow out of it or because someone bigger smashes their face in for being a prick and that teaches them a lesson.

  7. 6 months ago I agreed to cat-sit for friends going to Europe for a few months before moving to the States. The cat was quiet and kept to itself most of the time. The keyword in that last sentence being WAS !!

    The cat doesn’t SHUT UP! 6 in the morning it’s Meow, meow meow! First thing through the door: Meow, meow meow! While eating dinner: Meow, meow meow! Watching TV: Meow, meow meow!

    Don’t pet it? The cat meows. Do pet it? It meows.

    You can shout, kick, & scream at it. But it’ll sit there with that cocky “I don’t giva sh*t” look on it’s face and then… meow at you.

    You can push it away, ignore it, or be rude. No matter hwat you do or don’t do this thing NEVER shuts it’s trap.

    Wanna know the sad part? Aside from that Caylee is actually a nice cat. She doesn’t get into stuff or up onto the counter. She doesn’t scratch you (except by accident when she’s trying to knead you).

    Now her owners have gotten settled into their place in the States only to realize they are allergic. WHAT tha CRAP??? Now we are stuck with this cat you can’t help but hate but feel bad about taking it to the Humane Society because the uncontrollable yapping aside she’s a really good cat.

  8. Wookie: I’m glad to hear that it may perhaps be an age thing. I couldn’t imagine him ALWAYS being like this. He’d end up being taken on a long drive to the country.

    Duffman: That’s freakin hilarious! Cats can be quite the annoying little fuckers when they want to be, so I feel your pain. You could always put her on Kijiji if you have had enough. LOL!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s