What it’s Like

Do you know what it’s like
to lie in bed at night and worry
and think about dying
and choking on your tongue?!
Or to fear the ceiling fan
rotating above your head
because it might suddenly fly off
and decapitate you
leaving blood and guts all over your bed.

How about driving and reliving a fatal accident
every time somebody uses their brake light

Do you know what it’s like
To be unable to go outside
Because it’s not a good day
I can’t deal with the sunshine today
and I can’t deal with strangers
I can’t deal with neighbours
I don’t feel like driving today
So I won’t

And I look in the mirror
And want to cry or punch it
The reflection staring back at me
Can’t be me
I won’t accept it
So I don’t look
Because I can’t

So I go and lie down
I’m good at that
Into my bed, under the covers
Where I feel safe
and warm
unmotivated and numb
I could sleep forever

But somehow some way
I get up again
And now I’m fine
Laughing, joking, feeling great
I spend a day creating perfect art
I’m a beacon of motivation and productivity
I spend another day designing websites
Editing film or taking on a new project
Or researching crafts on Etsy
For a new business idea
Finding new purpose and meaning in my life
Or discovering THE perfect resort in the Caribbean

I get excited… like I’ve suddenly achieved my life’s work
I want to talk about my find, my new life, my perfection
My latest obsession
I don’t understand why nobody
Seems to share my passion
Or feel as intensely as I do about these things
It bothers me

And then I crash
Down down down I go
I feel like I’ve hit a wall
A painful wall
That encapsulates and consumes me

Makes me want to disappear
Not talk to anybody
Go away
Just not here

Do you know what that’s like?
I hope not
If so, we should have coffee
My bipolar friend.


4 thoughts on “What it’s Like

  1. I wish I had some Bi-Polar in me. It sounds more interesting than the crap I think about.

  2. Steve: If you ever wanna have a pill swap let me know. It’d be fun.

    Lisa: Interesting… but also crazy at times. Could be worse though I guess.

    JO: Absolutely NOT!! Let me know when you’re in Burlington and we’ll hit up a Starbucks.

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