A Dish Best Served Cold


The business model was flawed from the beginning. Somewhere in between a rub & tug and a massage therapy clinic, was his lifelong dream… The Scratch Parlour. A place where people could go and have their entire body scratched by women with long fake nails for a half hour to an hour, depending on how much they wanted to pay.

Most banks laughed at him or turned him away promptly when he presented his business plan asking for money. Others secretly thought he had weird fetishes and was probably one of those guys that liked to be spanked with a diaper on. It was looking bleak for a while, until his rich friend Charley listened to his idea one day and said “THAT’S FANTASTIC” and lent him 40K to start the business.

He chose a small commercial space above a dry cleaners in a heavily populated industrial area, figuring that people would stop by during their lunch for a good scratch. He hired mostly Asian and Russian women, but they were always confused when they learned that they didn’t have to suck dick or give handjobs to their clientele.

“So you just want us to scratch the customer?”

“Yes, that’s right Ursula. Just scratching. It is up to the customer if they want to strip naked or if they want to keep some clothing on, but NO SEXUAL FAVOURS.”

The girls that worked there secretly made fun of him behind his back, thinking that he was a crazy delusional messed up man, especially when he took them all to the nail salon down the street and outfitted them all with the perfect “scratching tools”.

He whipped up some flyers and had the girls go around to all the local businesses in the area and place them on windshields of cars, and it wasn’t before long until curious lonely business men started hesitating through the door of The Scratch Parlour.

Occasionally the girls would get asked for a blowjob, but they explained, that they weren’t allowed to perform such acts for their clients, and just asked the customer to close their eyes and enjoy the full body scratch.

News of The Scratch Parlour started to spread rapidly throughout the area, and the bookings were filling the days and keeping the girls busy. The local news station even did a segment on the Parlour and had one of their newscasters get a back scratch LIVE on air. After that, newspapers, mens magazines, and all sorts of alternative media started flooding the phone lines requesting interviews and media coverage. Investors began courting the wide eyed business man discussing mergers and franchising.

Everything was going great… Until one day a well dressed personable man walked in and requested Maei, the new girl. She had only been there a week, but seemed to be catching on. They disappeared down the hall and into a room.

About an hour later, he emerged shouting “I KNEW IT… This is no Scratch Parlour… I just had a handjob from your employee here. Maei ran out behind him with tears in her eyes saying “No, it no true”.

That night, on Exposed by Silverton (a segment on the 6 o-clock news), the savvy business man, who nobody recognized as Silverton, broke the story and exposed The Scratch Parlour for being “just another rub & tug”. The police stormed in a short time later and closed them down.

Charley took his friend out for a few drinks after the doors were closed.

“Listen, don’t worry about the 40 Grand okay. I am not hard up for money. I’m sorry about your luck. It was a good run. You did good man.”

“That fuckin’ whore… She ruined it for me! I specifically said no sexual favours… You would think that they would be happy about that, but instead she goes and takes an extra twenty bucks and gives some slimy news guy a handjob.”

“You sure it was her?”

“What’dyou mean? Of course it was.”

“It could’ve been a set up.”

“I don’t want to think about it… I got fucked, and that’s it”

Six months later, he went back to being a veterinarian, putting dogs and cats to sleep, and chopping balls off, that kind of thing. It was unfulfilling, but it was a job. He was about to take the next client, a Pomeranian named Mitsou when he noticed the owners name… Maei. He knew it was her and wanted to get prepared.

She walked in and her jaw hit the floor when she saw her pooch’s vet. She looked very uncomfortable and squirmed awkwardly until she finally squeeked out “Sorry about what happened.”

His teeth were gritting as he smiled and said “Ohhh it’s fine, this is my true calling anyway, I’m much happier being a vet. So who do we have here? What a lovely dog.”

“This Mitsou.”

“What seems to be the problem?”

“She been having diarrhea and not eating.”

“Oh okay. No problem. I’ll take a look at her. Why don’t you go grab yourself a coffee in the lobby while I inspect Mitsou here.”

Maei stood up and left the room while he stroked Mitsou affectionately until she was out of sight. He began laughing as he said to himself “ahhh karma’s a bitch.”

A half hour later, he went out into the lobby with his head hung and said “I’m sorry Maei, Mitsou didn’t make it. She died while I was inspecting her. I’m very sorry.”

Maei ran out of the vet clinic crying her eyes out as he enjoyed watching her pay for what she did to him. He walked back into his office “an eye for an eye bitch… an eye for an aye.”

Later that night, just as he was getting ready to leave the clinic, he received a call. It was Maei, she was in tears… She confessed everything. Meeting Silverton in a bar, telling him about her new job at The Scratch Parlour, and him offering her 10K to help him create a scandal story that would land him a promotion down at the station.

He suddenly felt awful about Euthanizing Maei’s Pomeranian Mitsou. “What have I done?” he said to himself “What have I done.”

He laid low for a while, figuring that he was too emotionally affected by the failure of The Scratch Parlour. He forgot about it, moved on, and tried to be happy with his Vet business.

On a cold October day, he was driving around in the Entertainment District, after having made a house call to a rich client of his. He saw a Lincoln Navigator drive past him and pull into a parking lot. He recognized the man in the car, it was Silverton. That bastard!

And the bastard was walking in to The Blue Lagoon, one of the most notorious Rub & Tugs in the area… A business that just didn’t seem to get shut down no matter how raunchy their business. Some suspected it was owned by the biker gang.

He reached into his glove box to pull out his digital video camera… “You’re going down Silverton… Oh you’re going down.” He waited about 20 minutes and stormed into the business with his camera rolling (in true Silverton fashion). He tried one door, “Ooops sorry.” The girl at the front desk was running after him. He opened another closed door, and surely enough, there was Silverton, getting an arduous blowjob from a poor young immigrant with no skills or paperwork.

He scrambled to pull his pants up “OH FUCK” the whole time the camera was rolling.

“That riiight… Oh fuck is right Silverton!”

“Turn it off, I’ll pay you. How much do you want?”

“Oh, this isn’t about money Silverton… It’s about principle.”

He got as much footage as he needed and ran like hell out of The Blue Lagoon with Silverton and the receptionist chasing him intensely, shouting at him, begging him to stop.

Later that night on Silverton’s rival station, Channel 9, they gladly and proudly aired the scandalous footage of him getting a blowjob at The Blue Lagoon. They paid a pretty penny for the footage too. After the show aired, magazines and editorial shows started calling offering substantial amounts of money, to air and print the story.

He paid his friend Charley back, and still had 95K to play with.

As for Maei, he confessed to taking out her dog, bought her a new Pomeranian pup, and gave her a job at his new Scratch Parlour, called Nailed.


7 thoughts on “A Dish Best Served Cold

  1. Hilarious. I think this should make it into your collection of flash fiction.

    I know that the main character is now a millionaire because he’s a genius … an absolute genius for opening a Scratch Parlour. lol, best idea ever !!!

  2. Thanks Mion. I think he went bankrupt actually… not quite a millionaire. LOL! Just a guy with a mild fetish for women’s nails.

    Maybe he’ll open up a Tickle Parlour next.

  3. Salmon thumper… now there is a fetish.

    Yeah Happy Thanksgiving, with no America, there’d be no America Jr. And no Al Gore so no internet either… Although without Al Gore there’d be no global warming…

  4. People, mainly women, just don’t understand how much men love having their backs scratched. It’s not a fetish, but a biological gene you get if you happen to have a Y in your chromosome makeup. If women were even a little intelligent they’d know that some men would rather have their back scratched than have sex….I’m not close to kidding. Wise up gals. It’s something that takes so little time and your rewards would be endless. All we ask is that you use two hands and actually CARE about the scratch you give.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s