Hard Parallels


Kimmy was into all sorts of weird shit like sadomasochism, vampires, and hanging out in cemeteries. I thought she would grow out of it at the same time as me, but when I hung up the cloak and coffin purse, she continued on with her dominatrix vampy “nobody understands me” persona and berated me for being a “sell out”.  I always tried to explain to her that the corporate world doesn’t welcome vampires and slutty fishnet wearing dominatrix personalities the same way the sex industry does. Working in a sex shop is slightly different and a tad bit more liberal than working a desk for a major global corporation. We both worked at DnDHoF, and had worked there together for over 4 years. I enjoyed working at the sex shop and having the freedom to wear patented leather pants and halter tops, don’t get me wrong, but serving sexual freaks and helping them choose the right anal plugs and cock rings became somewhat tiring and a little disturbing at times. And let’s face it, I was never gonna make a killing working in a sex shop on my laughable $9 an hour pay as A MANAGER. I had to move on.

I had a friend who made the leap from full time grower (pot) to outside sales for a major industrial cleaning manufacturer and another friend who made the leap from shooter girl and part time dancer to a full time HR Manager (figure that one out?!). This gave me confidence in knowing that I could escape the shackles of the sex industry and find myself in a more lucrative position.

My first interview was a little uncomfortable and went a little something like this:

Susan (HR Director): “So, tell me a little about yourself and your role as Store Manager at errrm Deep…. n’Dirty….. Uhhhh… House of Fun.” {Ahem}

Me: “Well, I am responsible for managing the stock, maintaining the relationships with the vendors, and running the in store promotions. I also handle in store demos.”

Susan: Ohhhkay… soooo why do you want to enter the world of printers and ink cartridges. What interests you about it? And what do you think you could bring with you from your current position?”

Me: “Well, I am an avid user of printers and printer supplies. I have a printer at home, and I also use the store’s colour printer to print off promotions that we sometimes run with Hustler, Wet&Wild, or BigBoy, depending on the month. I think I could really sell the printers, being a big fan of printing myself “. (shudder)

I was dying inside… I knew my answers were horrible, and I knew Susan was sitting there thinking, what makes you think that because you can sell a giant dildo to some horny housewife that you can sell an entire suite of printers to a company.

Susan:  “Okay, well, thanks for coming in, we’ll be in touch” she lied.

I left the office and got in my Plymouth Reliant and sped out of the parking lot faster than the “insane” speed on the Vibromax Powerdildo 3000. I showed up at the shop to find Kimmy doing a demo on a giant swing contraption that you hook to your ceiling. She had the girl bent over in the swing and the guy standing behind her, they were all laughing and having a great time. The couple bought the $300 contraption and left the store.

“Kimmy, nobody wants to hire somebody who sells dildos all day, what am I gonna do?”

“Don’t get so down on yourself girl, you’ve had ONE interview… Not everyone is going to be as open minded as we are, it will just take a few before you find someone that’s all. And I’ve told you before; there are other jobs in this industry that actually pay better.”

“I don’t want to stay in this industry though Kimmy, what am I gonna tell my kids one day, “mommy sells dildos and anal plugs, aren’t you proud? Do you want me to come in for career day?”

I slumped down on Woody the Dirty Rocking Horse and stared blankly at the wall of lube. I had to figure out a new plan, I had to figure out a way to use this job to my advantage and make it appear better than it actually was.

Kimmy was on the computer and gasped excitedly. She looked over and said “there’s a job here that you’d be perfect for”.

“What?” I said in an unexcited monotone voice

“It’s selling and supplying Viagra to doctors offices” she said. “You can do that”.

I sat up and thought… hmmm, maybe I can do that.

That afternoon I forwarded my resume to Pfizer and got a response almost immediately from the Regional Sales Manager, his name was Kurt. He set up an interview with me the following week.

I put on my best suit and tried to really look the part, I even decided to downplay some of the vendor and product names, so not to shock.

Kurt: “Wow, you look really familiar. Have I met you before?”

I racked my mind and lied “I don’t know, you look sort of familiar too actually.”

We got into the interview and when he discovered where I worked his face turned a noticeable shade of Red, which gave me my answer as to why I looked familiar. He had probably purchased a cock ring or some nipple clamps or something from me before.

Nevertheless, when we got past that, the interview went really well. He said that a lot of sales reps were uncomfortable talking about Erectile Dysfunction and penises, and that it was a hard role to fill. I had to stop myself from making a rude joke at that point. He seemed to like my personality and wasn’t judgmental about where I worked at all, and to my delight, actually hired me on the spot.

I went back to the shop after my interview and told Kimmy the good news. She was busy explaining the benefits of a warming lubrication to a yoga instructor who was looking for a new bottle of lube until she left satisfied with her purchase.

“Who would’ve thought that working in this dirty porn store would land me a gig for a major pharmaceutical company” I said.

“YOU GOT IT?? OH MY GOD… Congratulations!!!”

“Thanks” I said. “See, being a sell out isn’t all that bad is it?! And besides, I’m still selling the same principle, just to a different audience”.

“Well, I’m sure you’ll still be meeting lots of perverts, just perverts with bigger salaries.”

“Yeah, and now I can sound all official when I use the medical term for Viagra, mycoxsafailin

We both laughed as we left the store to go grab a coffee from down the street. I was gonna miss workin’ with Kimmy. We had some good times at Deep’n’Dirty House of Fun!


One thought on “Hard Parallels

  1. Hmm, trading Deep ‘n’ Dirty House of Fun for the Limp ‘n’ Boring House of Not-So-Much-Fun.

    Yeah, that would be the world of the suits I guess.

    Great story.

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