I stared at the barely-there crochet bikini that I was going to attempt to squeeze my retaliating body into in 5 weeks time. This was a mission. Nothing empowers a woman to get healthy than a 5 week countdown to total body exposure on a beach with dozens of beautiful women strutting around in thong bikinis with their perfectly shaped asses, untouched childless bodies, and their golden bronzed abs. I sucked in and stood sideways in my mirror, “five weeks baby… five weeks” I said to myself as if to reinforce the seriousness of the mission.
I went into my kitchen and opened my fridge. “Oh fuck” I said, as I grabbed a garbage bag and started pitching out the numerous items in my fridge; the bacon, the cheesecake, the Tahiti Treat, the chocolate pudding, the pasta & rose sauce, the mayo, the sour cream, the cream cheese, the Tostitos cheese sauce, the leftover Swedish meatballs, the Chinese food from last night, and the hardest one of all… the UNOPENED Pillsbury crescent rolls and cinnamon buns! The fridge was now empty. The garbage bag was full.
I pitched it out in the garage so I didn’t have to be reminded of the food I had just senselessly wasted . Extreme times call for extreme measures.
I sat down and tried to make a shopping list: “Hmmm what do healthy people eat” I thought to myself “Maybe lots of fresh shit… Like fruit and stuff… But what will I eat for dinner. Carrots aren’t going to cut it. *sigh. This is hard.”
I wrote: Carrots, Potatoes, Broccoli, Strawberries, Bananas,
And then I was stuck… I couldn’t believe it. I was absolutely clueless about what a “healthy “ person should eat. Normally I bought Kraft Dinner, pizzas, steaks, shepherds pie, and fresh bread… I got my daily intake of vegetables by drinking V8 (“ooh add that to the list”).
I decided to call my rake thin, perpetually dieting, workout queen friend who had all of the best diet secrets and who knew everything about every diet product on the market. If there was a way to beat the system, she knew how.
“Hi Simone? Listen… I need your help. I need to lose 15-20 Lbs in 5 weeks. I don’t know how to eat healthy and I only do yoga twice a week. What can I do? There must be something… I’m desperate. I’ll do ANYTHING…as long as it doesn’t require me eating bird seed or shitting my insides out.”
Later that day Simone showed up at my house with a bottle of pills. She told me that they were the best on the market and that they would make me drop 5 Lbs a week, but that I HAD to drink 2-3 Litres of water every day!! I decided that was much easier, than trying to give up my cheesecake, cookie dough dynamo, and Tostitos and cheese!
I started my pills the very next day. I choked on my first couple because they were so damn big, but I was excited… I knew that these little magic pills were going to get me into that bikini.
After 6 days, my lips became very Red and swollen. My mom told me that I looked like I had an injection of botox. “bonus” I thought. A few days later, my lips still weren’t getting any better, and were now cracking too. I was feeling weak and sick to top it off… I could barely muster the energy to lift my arm to change the channel, and instead sat there helplessly watching The View as I daydreamed about being interviewed on the show, and then smearing pudding and chocolate sauce all over Rosie’s power tripping well-deserving face. I laughed a meager little chuckle and picked up the phone to call Simone.
“I think these pills are doing some thing to me Simone…”
“Why are you losing weight?”
“I don’t think so… but my lips are swollen, cracked and I can’t move. Is there any drugs in these pills… like morphine or something?”
“Have you been drinking water?’
“What do you mean a little… I told you, you HAVE to drink 2-3 Litres a day… You’re obviously suffering from dehydration. Those pills are like water pills, they’re reducing the water tension in your body and drying you out. You need water.”
I hung up frustrated and went to the fridge to get some water…T here was none. I opened the cupboard to get a mug and drank (gasp) t-t-t-tap water. After a few sips, I threw my arms up n the air and said “FUCK THIS”!!!
I grabbed my keys and headed to the mall. I went into Bikini Village and found a new bikini (with a sarong). When I got home I wrapped up the crochet bikini in some tissue paper and hid it in the depths of my closet, never to see the light of day again, but there in case I need it one day!