Down with the ship

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Sometimes I wish I could comfortably conform.

Not only to a life of simplicity, but to ANYTHING!

I always have to do everything MY WAY! And MY WAY always seems to be the most obscure, erratic, difficult, and irrational.

MY WAY is always paved with good intentions (or most of the time anyway), yet it sometimes leads me so far off the beaten path that I look around and realize that I am completely alone… In a ghost town, with nothing but my opinions, my method, and my quirks beside me.

I don’t know exactly when I became like this, but I have been this way for as long as I can remember; difficult to control (by my parents, my teachers, and now, as an adult, my employers), non-trusting, cynical, skeptical, and controlling. And if anyone tries to “advise me”, give me unsolicited advice, nonconstructive criticism, or tries to control me in any manner whatsoever… May GOD have mercy on their soul. And I know, that statement is ironic, and you’ll see why.

I can barely manage my own life, let alone be managed!

I have rebelled against time, by not arriving when I am supposed to. Showing up and leaving when I want to, not when somebody else wants me to.

I have rebelled against fashion, by wearing things that most couldn’t dream of, creating my own style, and intentionally not jumping on the fashion bandwagon, even if there are some things on the bandwagon that would be nice little additions to my wardrobe.

I have rebelled against society’s interpretation of beauty, by inking and piercing my body, not wearing makeup, and dying my hair a myriad of different colours other than BLONDE… Shaving my head and eyebrows. Telling myself that I will not succumb to the pressures that society places on women… Albeit, not always successfully.

I have rebelled against men by writing raging feminist rants that make me feel better, creating “fictional” characters out of men who needed to be put in their place. Using men as a sounding board for every man that has ever fucked me over. I know it’s not right. I am ashamed that I have done it.

I have rebelled against television and mainstream media, by refusing to watch Prime Time, the news, or anything popular. By not reading the newspaper, the fashion magazines, or even the headlines. By choosing to not be informed at all. They say that ignorance is bliss, but sometimes it’s just outright arrogance.

I have rebelled against religion by creating my own ideals and values morphed from various different sources of spiritual and universal knowledge and by refusing to step foot inside of a church. Closing my mind to the concept of organized religion, and feeding into a generalization about what organized religion is.

And I know, this sounds askew… but I have even rebelled against myself, my thoughts and the image of who others think I am. Until I am left sitting silently in a corner drowning in an uncomfortable pool of my own emotions and thoughts about who I am supposed to be.

You know what would be nice…

If I could, just once

Do something, without analyzing it from every possible angle and searching for deeper or hidden meaning, when “you know what”…. sometimes there just IS NO DEEPER MEANING. Sometimes things just ARE. Why can’t I grasp that?!

It really would be nice…

If I could, just once

Do something… ANYTHING without creating an alternate universe for myself in which I identify with and trust no one, and in which I watch myself helplessly floating away from logic and reason, and do so knowingly.

Once in my life, I would just like to be.

Just be.

No motives

No anger

No hidden agenda

No conspiracy theories

No fighting the man

No societal rebellion

No inherent distrust

And no baggage.

I’m sure I would feel a lot lighter.

And I would like to surrender my control someday…

I’m just not sure I know how.

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9 thoughts on “Down with the ship

  1. I understand the want to just “turn it off” once in a while. Just “being” instead of thinking and “doing” would be nice sometimes (perhaps that’s why I get trashed once in a while).

    One of the things that I really began to love about you is the way that you don’t just “accept”. Its refreshing to read your writing and see that you actually do think!
    I like that you can look smashing without makeup. Its geat that you can do that to show that one doesn’t need makeup to look beautiful.

    On the smaller, more personal level, there is room to leave out an agenda. The baggage may always be there, but it can be neatly piled in the corner once in a while.

  2. Something else…

    Of course, to “just be”, you have to reach out. I see you doing that every time you post. There is the risk of having your emotions and/or heart trampled upon but the benefit is so great if that’s the result. It can be worth it. Sometimes there are reasons why we delay our relaxation – sometimes our responsibilities cause us to consider others in our decisions (which you obviously do). That’s far more admirable and honorable than selfishly seeking escape.

  3. Rebellion isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s like anything else, you take it to an extreme and it’s goodness turns into crap.

    I prescribe moderation in rebellion and more time spent with your spawn. A little frottage with someone simpler and without motives and you might learn something.

    You have my best wishes for success though. I wish the same things as you sometimes. My saving grace is that I’m getting old enough where rebellion just takes too much energy.

  4. Henry: It’s a really great thing i’m not on fire! I agree… Because, it’s bad enough that women have to live up to the whole weight issue in society, without having to worry about having a charred face, no eyebrows and patchy hair. 😉 Surprisingly, I laugh more than you would probably think… I just have this thing with being introspective sometimes. I need to do both.

    MrCorey: Thank you for your incredibly wonderful comments. I really appreciate you taking the time to write that. I do try to be honest as much as I can with what I write, even if it’s depressing, makes me look bad, or isn’t easy to write. I think you’re right about piling the baggage in the corner, I have an empty corner that I think would be perfect. Just need to free up my shoulders now I guess 🙂 I used to seek escape almost daily, now I deal with my thoughts as they come and try not to let them consume me, and have fun as much as possible while i’m at it.

    Poobah: I think moderate rebellion can inspire great thinking… but too much of it, is just exhausting and makes everything so damn difficult. The funny thing is, I am seeing signs in my girls that they are going to be just like me… They have a lot of quirks and in a lot of ways mimick everything I do. I hope that when they are a little older, they realize that they need to find their own paths and be open minded in doing so.

  5. speaking as a former shipwreckee and a current resident of a presumably partially habitable island, i can only say, i feel ya, sista…

    those same insane savages, captives, and mutineers keep washing up on my shores, too…

    …and just like you, i’m trying to focus my eyes on those tranquil blue waters surrounding our everlasting promised land…

    as always, be well my punk rock ninja angel…

  6. There is a lot of you in me lingo…

    Love your raw stuff you post here!

    I wish I had an answer for you about how to do some of those things you wish to achieve but I barely keep my own ship afloat…

    I’ll tell ya what…which ever one of us gets the answer/the fix first we’ll share it with one another!

    Good luck to you in this.

  7. Hey Selina, nice piece, albeit a wee bit down tho… I sometimes find you’re kinda hard on yourself and the way you govern your life. You shouldn’t be. Yes, you’ve made choices. Those choices have been both good and bad, but no matter, for life is not some kind of test or course in temporal logic. Life is about making choices. Sometimes those choices involve making mistakes. That’s why man made a pencil with a writing tip on one side and an eraser on the other end. As you know I’ve lived by both the sword and the pen. If you want to know the truth I prefer the pencil to them both…

    When in doubt, hug the girls… It’s a constant reminder of the best choice you and I have ever made, and a foundation for many more steps in the right direction…

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