Sometimes I wish I could comfortably conform.
Not only to a life of simplicity, but to ANYTHING!
I always have to do everything MY WAY! And MY WAY always seems to be the most obscure, erratic, difficult, and irrational.
MY WAY is always paved with good intentions (or most of the time anyway), yet it sometimes leads me so far off the beaten path that I look around and realize that I am completely alone… In a ghost town, with nothing but my opinions, my method, and my quirks beside me.
I don’t know exactly when I became like this, but I have been this way for as long as I can remember; difficult to control (by my parents, my teachers, and now, as an adult, my employers), non-trusting, cynical, skeptical, and controlling. And if anyone tries to “advise me”, give me unsolicited advice, nonconstructive criticism, or tries to control me in any manner whatsoever… May GOD have mercy on their soul. And I know, that statement is ironic, and you’ll see why.
I can barely manage my own life, let alone be managed!
I have rebelled against time, by not arriving when I am supposed to. Showing up and leaving when I want to, not when somebody else wants me to.
I have rebelled against fashion, by wearing things that most couldn’t dream of, creating my own style, and intentionally not jumping on the fashion bandwagon, even if there are some things on the bandwagon that would be nice little additions to my wardrobe.
I have rebelled against society’s interpretation of beauty, by inking and piercing my body, not wearing makeup, and dying my hair a myriad of different colours other than BLONDE… Shaving my head and eyebrows. Telling myself that I will not succumb to the pressures that society places on women… Albeit, not always successfully.
I have rebelled against men by writing raging feminist rants that make me feel better, creating “fictional” characters out of men who needed to be put in their place. Using men as a sounding board for every man that has ever fucked me over. I know it’s not right. I am ashamed that I have done it.
I have rebelled against television and mainstream media, by refusing to watch Prime Time, the news, or anything popular. By not reading the newspaper, the fashion magazines, or even the headlines. By choosing to not be informed at all. They say that ignorance is bliss, but sometimes it’s just outright arrogance.
I have rebelled against religion by creating my own ideals and values morphed from various different sources of spiritual and universal knowledge and by refusing to step foot inside of a church. Closing my mind to the concept of organized religion, and feeding into a generalization about what organized religion is.
And I know, this sounds askew… but I have even rebelled against myself, my thoughts and the image of who others think I am. Until I am left sitting silently in a corner drowning in an uncomfortable pool of my own emotions and thoughts about who I am supposed to be.
You know what would be nice…
If I could, just once
Do something, without analyzing it from every possible angle and searching for deeper or hidden meaning, when “you know what”…. sometimes there just IS NO DEEPER MEANING. Sometimes things just ARE. Why can’t I grasp that?!
It really would be nice…
If I could, just once
Do something… ANYTHING without creating an alternate universe for myself in which I identify with and trust no one, and in which I watch myself helplessly floating away from logic and reason, and do so knowingly.
Once in my life, I would just like to be.
No hidden agenda
No conspiracy theories
No fighting the man
No societal rebellion
No inherent distrust
And no baggage.
I’m sure I would feel a lot lighter.
And I would like to surrender my control someday…
I’m just not sure I know how.