A Worthwhile Expense


I woke up feeling like it was going to be a MAJOR bitch day! I just wanted to punch someone in the face as hard as I could and then spit on them. It was that sort of day. A fuck-the-world-and-everyone-in-it sort of day.  And on days like that, I should just stay in bed. But I didn’t… I got up, and continued to fuel my raging fire. It always seems that anything that can possibly wrong on days like this, does! Some mean universal trick perhaps?! The coffee sucks, I can’t find my shoes, my black pants are creased, I look like a train-wreck, I suddenly notice how desperately my eyebrows need plucking, and I remember that I have a meeting with somebody that I hate.

I got into my obnoxiously over-sized H3 and buckled up. I was ready to kick the shit out of the world and anyone who got in my way. Even my ride knew I was angry. I called the designer who had just soaked up all of my budget and sent me the creative concepts for my new e-zine. He had spent almost all of my money and I hated his concepts! They were horrible, they didn’t achieve anything that they were supposed to (and maybe I was being slightly unreasonable by expecting magic from a retard). He spent most of the conversation listening to me and (likely) marvelling at the sheer amount of swearing and yelling I was doing.

Just as I was tearing my (so-not-deserving-of-this-title) designer guy a new ass hole, one drove by me. A bigger one, mocking me and shaking his pudgy judgemental finger at me for talking on my phone while driving. My instincts took over and I promptly delivered him the one fingered salute, to which he retorted by making some blow-job “suck my cock” type gesture. BAD IDEA!

I quickly and erradically jumped into the left lane behind him, hung up on designer guy and began tailgating him so closely that I could see his nostrils flaring with fear in the rearview of his 1995 Silver Cavalier. He continued with his blowjob gestures through the rear view, despite the fact that I was obviously angry and a little bit unstable. I held up my one fingered salute as I accelerated intentionally until the front grill of my H3 rammed his Cavalier crumpling it and making major dents. I saw the shock on his face. Sickly, I liked it.

He quickly changed lanes and headed over to the far right exit ramp. I followed suit and caught up with him on the ramp. I accelerated again, this time reversing and repeating several times until the back of his Cavalier looked like a discarded soda can. I saw his hands stick out of his window and his door open. I waited with my eyes squinted and my teeth grinding relentlessly. He got out of the car slowly, and I revved my engine. For a brief moment he looked at me like I wasn’t human. Then he started to cry and began to run like Forrest Gump away from his car, keys still in it and everything. I waited for eight minutes or so, wondering if he would return. He didn’t. I surveyed the minimal damage to my H3 and laughed about it as I compared it to the crumpled Cavalier. I knew I would have to pay for it, but it was a worthwhile expense in my eyes.

I wrote him a check for $5000 and left it on his drivers seat with a note saying “Next time keep your opinions to yourself and suck your own cock!”


8 thoughts on “A Worthwhile Expense

  1. PANTARA would be proud of your use of a H3.

    The guys first problem is that he was driving a Cavalier … I think it would be justified to use a H3 as a ramming device purely for that reason.

    I once had a guy do the blow job motion to me after I (accidentally of course) cut him off. Not sure if he was implying that I was gay, or if he was propositioning me. Either way, my laughter only fuelled his anger! The dude went crazy, weaving in and out of traffic trying to cut me off. His pimped out Honda Civic hatchback would’ve been successful if it weren’t for the 18-wheeler that rear ended him and sent him off a rather steep cliff. (ok, elements of this story may have been largely exaggerated)

    Personally, I like to give people a little sarcastic wave when they seem upset at me on the road. It really fuels their road rage, but really helps minimize mine. 🙂

    Funny piece Lingo …

  2. ~~~
    Barrabas, your blog is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G.
    Mion, The civic guy was propositioning you.
    Selina, email me when you get a chance.

  3. As a proud owner of an H3, you can intimidate someone in a small car by getting close.

    True story, some guy parked his 1989 beat up Jetta illegally across the street from our house. My wife didn’t see it when she back the Hummer out. I was up stairs brushing my teeth when BAM!!! Took at the windshield, the driver side window pane, the door, the frame around the roof, the glass on the driver side door and the fender. To boot, the car was knocked 6 inches closer to the sidewalk, so it smashed the wheels on the passenger side of the car.

    Not a scratch on the H3… Totalled the Jetta. Freaking awesome!!! The dude had to junk it. We weren’t cited and he did not want to collect from us because the car basically died right there.

  4. Barrabas: It was indeed 🙂 You can’t put a price on that kind of satisfaction!

    Kaysea: You did a great job at trying it at home! I loved your perspective and laughed numerous times (grandmas car was a nice touch)… and I liked the dollar value of the vehicle too! That was fun. We’ll have to do that more often!

    Mion: Pantera would be proud! This is the first i’m hearing of your proposition… lol… Got any other good male proposition tales? I knew you were popular with the ladies, but apparantly the men too!! I love road rage… It makes me feel good. I swear more in my car than any other time! It keeps it real.

    Steve: Now THAT was a funny story!!! Your wife is a superstar! You guys must have been laughing for months about that one.

  5. Thanks Selina- Sorry I was at a loss for a post & the idea seemed magic at the time. Keep up the great work. All this crazy H3 talk makes me want to get one for myself.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s