Chew & Spew


I met him at a truckstop on the Trans Canada Highway in Saskatchewan. I was there conducting research for my book on the culture and lifestyle of truckers. I sat in the corner of the chew & spew with my mesh back John Deere Tractor hat and my (fashionably) stained jeans absorbing the horrendous assortment of fat disgusting and completely inappropriate men around me. I felt like a piece of meat dangling in the window at a downtown butcher shop. The men circled me like sharks, made weird noises at me, and picked their teeth as they gyrated their flabby out of shape hips. 

“Come on guys, what d’ya think she’s some horizontal highway hostess?! Leave the girl alone, she’s here to do some work. Have some respect! Sheesh!” 

I smiled at him nervously as he extended his dirty hairy hand “Hi, I’m Tyler. What’s a pretty little thing like you doing out here at the Dirty Dog, shouldn’t you be at a pickle park?” 

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what you mean by that…”
He laughed and sat down at my booth across from me. I closed my notebook and stared at him intently. He had something in his teeth.

“A rest area… Most 4-wheelers go to a rest stop. But you, you came here to the Truck Stop. Why?”

“I was hungry and to be honest, I never gave it much thought.” 

He smacked the waitress’s ass and said “Another coffee Alice” as she walked past with two plates full of sausages, bacon, ham, and eggs. When his coffee was placed in front of him, he took a loud obnoxious sip, turned to his left, then his right…leaned in and whispered “so do you like a submissive

I was confused by his comment, given his outwardly obnoxious macho demeanor and apparent disregard for his offensive primitive appearance.

“Why do you ask?”

“Well, from time to time, I like a woman to spit on me… Treat me like the piece of shit I know I am, ya know. Just wrap me up in saran wrap and throw some fucking bologna on my ass… walk all over me.” 

“And, you’re telling me this because….”
“Well, You seem like the kind of woman I would like to let walk all over me.”

“I see… Well, I do have an hour or so before I have to get back on the road. Do you have any saran

He smiled grandly, obviously impressed by my question and snapped at Alice without so much as taking his grinning eyes off of me. Alice came right over with an unimpressed look on her face;

“what d’ya need now honey?”

“Can you go get me a roll of plastic wrap? I need to secure some cartons on a skid in the back of my trailer.” 

“Sure thing” she said with a snap of her gum. 

Alice returned with an industrial size roll of plastic wrap and placed it on the table in front of us.

I got up first and lead the way out to the parking lot. 

“So, where’s your truck?” I asked

He pointed to the big evil looking Black one (with Teeth) and we headed over in that direction and around to the back where he raised the gate to expose an empty truck.

“Hop on in”  he said. 

Knowing in the back of my mind that this could be a very bad thing, I nervously got into the truck. He turned on a dim ceiling light and began stripping off his clothes until his unsightly hairy and awkward body stood before me. I was shocked at how tiny his penis was.
Without saying anything I grabbed the roll of saran wrap and began walking circles around him until his entire body was tightly wrapped like a sausage roll from head to toe. I poked out some mouth and nostril holes for him and escorted him to the back corner of the truck where I pushed him to the ground. He couldn’t get up.

I smiled, shot him a wink and said “Well Tyler, It’s been a blast! Thanks for the Top Shelf content! And you know… I think I’m really diggin’ this whole submissive man thing!”

I raised the back door of the truck, hopped out and whistled loudly to some of the truckers who were drinking coffee in the parking lot, signaling them to come on over and check it out. I could hear Tyler mumbling what sounded like “NNNNOOO, Don’t do that.” I laughed with amusement and headed over to my Chevy Malibu. Before shutting my door I heard the gaggle of truckers break out into a glorious uproar of gutbusting laughter!


8 thoughts on “Chew & Spew

  1. you draw the scene for me with great economy; that’s a skill.
    bang. i’m placed straight in the scene.
    you told me you felt dirrrdy, but i don’t think you should ;o)

  2. I have a small truck because I have a big penis.

    Do you have the gladwrap (saran wrap to you missy)?

    Mind you I do prefer tinfoil actually. More electricity in the room. You’ve never known a good time until you’ve lit up a room with blue sparks and blown your missus across the room. They always come back for more.

  3. Steve: Yeah… a small penis is a small penis. It’s probably from all of the meth he’s been taking to stay awake during those long journeys… yeah, that’s it.

    Henry: Thank you, that is a huge compliment. I was only being sarcastic about feeling dirty… LOL… It takes A LOT for me to write something that makes me feel dirty… And chances are, it would have nothing to do with sex. 😀

    Ivy: Hey sister! I linked back atcha! Glad to see you around again. I’m diggin’ WordPress a lot more than Blogger. I’m happy in the new pad. Most of my full stories are wayyyy too long to post on here and I’d probably bore people to death… LOL! So I post these little crack hits instead.

    Loweded Wookie: Exactly… And people will know that just by seeing you drive by. The women will be like “look, look how small that guys truck is… He must be HUGE!” I think tinfoil would be very fun… and could be incorporated with some strange robot fetish. Why isn’t there any porn like this????

    Poobah: He he! Only a man of great confidence (or proportions) would be comfortable with this… What kind of plastic wrap are you packin’? 😀

  4. There is one caveat with the whole tinfoil thing. Apparently sometimes it might make you bleed but you’re a chick whose had babies so you’re used to pain and bleeding down there.

  5. A horizontal highway hostess once got me baked on anti-freeze and then rubbed mayonnaise and shake ‘n bake all over my body. Let me tell ya, I was cleaning that crap outta my cab for weeks.

    Loved the story! 10-4 good buddy!

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