3 Bags Full

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I remember shopping at Beaver Lumber when I was a kid. I used to go in there with my dad so that he could pick up things like dry wall screws, drill bits, and shelf hinges. Not exactly a ten year old kid’s idea of an exciting day out! To kill the time and create some sort of entertainment for myself, I once dared my younger sister to fill her pockets with things like double sided Velcro, paint stir sticks, an exacto knife, some nails, and whatever else she could fit in there. These were the days of consumer trust, where there were no security guards, no cameras, no security gates, and stealing was as easy as having the balls to do it.

I think it was this same need for excitement that caused me to be such an outcast and have such an extreme personality as an adult. Things are never Grey with me. It’s either Black or White. I’m either exhilarated with more passion and excitement than I know what to do with, or I’m sinking like a submarine in a pool of self-loathing and despair. I never have an “okay” day. I either have a fucking incredible day or I have a day where drinking myself into a sloppy oblivion is all I can do to stay sane. This type of black or White mentality coupled with the raging alcoholic British drinking genes I have… Is not a good combination. I always have to keep myself in check.

But I don’t… And when I do something, I do it to the extreme. I can’t do anything with subtlety. Why? Because I am so far from subtle that I wouldn’t even be able to get an aerial shot of it from space if I wanted to. It’s just not within my grasp, my vocabulary, my consciousness, or my universe.

So maybe that’s why I can’t be happy working a 9 to 5 job. Maybe that’s why I always feel like a fucking Black Sheep who desperately needs to be sheared, out in the field with all the well-groomed White sheep who don’t seem to be conflicted or complicated and who appear to be happily grazing away in the grass.

Maybe that’s why I had a drug problem for all those years. Maybe it’s why I find myself perpetually trying to understand myself and why I write out of compulsion, obsession, and complete and utter need! I don’t know how to not write. I don’t know how to live without writing. I don’t know how to be anything other than a writer, and if I am anything other than a writer, I’m probably not very good at it. I am not even sure that I am good at writing… But it’s the only thing I know with complete certainty that I am meant to do. And it’s the only thing that I know with certainty that I HAVE to do.

And it’s memories like that day in Beaver Lumber that come back to me and make me laugh, and make me think about how oblivious I was at the time, and how much simpler things were. But at least now I can appreciate the sense of humour that the owner of BEAVER LUMBER must have had!

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14 thoughts on “3 Bags Full

  1. I love being an adult and still snickering at things like “Beaver Lumber”.

    I am in the voting booth today and there were all these “write in” opportunities. When I don’t know, I “write in” in the space provided and check the bubble with my hand written name. I am what 32, goin on 33, heh… try 13. I voted for “Mike Hawk” six times today and laughed my ass off all the way to the parking lot because someone has to pull my ballot and check the name to be “official”!!!

  2. He he… I hope I never lose my juvenile mind. I’m so glad you voted for the candidate you voted for! I probably would’ve voted for Mike Hunt as many times as I could.

  3. Apparently there’s a town in America called Beaver and in said town there is a liquor store called Beaver Liquor.

    My workmate told me that and ironically the person who told him is a lesbian. That fact alone made me laugh.

    Hey Lingo, I found this cool app:

    Jer’s Novel Writer

    It’s a Mac app that makes writing novels easier including cool tools including a database that allows you to keep track of characters that you have introduced throughout your story.

    I thought immediately of you when I had a look at this although I haven’t installed it yet I’m, going to look at it tonight.

  4. whoa beaver liquor… he that’s good. i wonder if they have a beaver burger in town! thanks for the wicked app wookie. i am actually in the process of writing another novel at the moment. i may just use this tool

  5. You are an amazing writer. This is why we come back to see your blog everyday…why we “try” to make it to your slams. You have a talented gift and you use it so well. Most people let there fortunes slide but you, you just don’t do that you find a new way to create life…and make it interesting.

    Be proud you writer you!!

  6. mm, wow…i felt this piece deeply and profoundly… you threw it down, stamped on it, spit on it, and then picked it up and caressed it and cajoled it and shaped it and glazed it and fired it in a kiln till it came out as finely crafted as a piece of ceramic poetry…

  7. Good for you, I hate mediocrity myself. I tend to be a bitmore grey sometimes, and hate myself for that. I guess you can’t win, can you? 😉

    You’re a good enough writer to keep my goldfish brains engaged on a slow Thursday, and that says a lot.

  8. Being honest and open has to be one of the most difficult aspects of being a writer. It makes you so vulnerable, so open to criticism. But this openness and honesty is what separates a good writer from a great one. Well at least in my opinion.

    Everyone has a calling in life, and rest assured living 9-to-5 is not yours. As a lover of life’s grey (ok, mushy grey) areas I miss the days when things were black and white, when I felt absolute conviction in one way or another. This does still happen these days … but only in very select instances, and it is still beautiful and absolutely breathe taking.

  9. Pegasus: Thank you so much for saying so!! I sincerely hope that I don’t go for the slide. I so appreciate the fact that you are even interested in reading my writing, that means a lot.

    Chico: Coming from you, that is an amazing compliment. Let’s make a toast… Here’s to hoping that the proverbial pottery wheel never stops for either one of us!

    Dirk: Thank you!! I always appreciate the fact that you’re around!

    Chandira: You are one witty diva! I think my brain is sometimes like the scumsucker that lives insid the fishbowl with you, slurping up all of the bacteria and grim from the sides to make the water more “clean”. Maybe that would explain my potty mouth… He he.

    Mion: You are exactly right. Some of my best stuff comes from those rare moments where I cut myself open and let the blood pour from my pen.

    Pho3n1x: Wow… That is very philosophical of you to make a comment like that. I actually had to think about that one for a second!

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