Reluctant Self


My mom always used to tell me “you can’t stay single… you depend on relationships… you don’t know how to be alone”. And I suppose to some degree, she was right… I was like that. But why be alone if you don’t have to?! That’s what I always thought. Who “chooses” to be alone, to go to bed each night feeling like if you don’t wake up, chances are, nobody will even notice… or at least not for a while anyway. I was never worried about being co-dependant… I was very much a “relationship-type girl”, and I’d be the first one to admit it, but fuck anybody else if they tried to say anything or give me advice! I didn’t see the error in my ways, and was terrified to admit it to anyone but myself, and even then it was only under the covers in a rare moment of truth that I actually said to myself “Holy fuck, I’m afraid to be alone”.

I bounced happily from relationship to relationship, barely ending the one I was in before blindly jumping into the next. And this was “me”, this was how I operated and this was what made me happy… not open for discussion! Eventually though, I met someone who MADE me want to be alone. He thrust himself into my world and made me feel like an ant in a wind tunnel. He wooed me and enchanted me as if it were a game, a game that he would not accept a loss in. And he didn’t, because I could barely resist the advances of a “nice guy” let alone THIS persistent and artful Casanova who hillariously had me at “do you have a light?”

So it wasn’t surprising when he asked me to marry him after only a mere 6 weeks of dating. And it wasn’t surprising when I said YES after only an hour of convincing, a couple of scotch on the rocks and the repetition of the question several times over until I just got tired of hearing it. And he just loved that little title that came along with the reluctant “yes”. Forever introducing me and declaring me his “fiance” and “future wife”. Getting ahead of himself, and putting the cart before the horse. But wait… I think I was the horse! I am the horse… So why am I here? I need to run. I need to be free… I can’t handle this suffocation for one more second. So I did what I should never have had to do (because I never should have been in the situation in the first place). I left in the middle of the night. Packed all my shit and MacGivered out of there leaving him with nothing but a note and some tear stained sheets.

I never said “thank you” to him because he was too damaged and broken for me to say it at the time. He had one too many flaws and brought out one too many of my own, and the dishes being whipped at my head were somewhat of a mild distraction. But he gave me my thirst for independance, my desire to get stronger and better, my understanding of my flaws, and the absolute knowledge that I will be okay, no matter what happens in this life! I know that I can handle whatever life throws my way. For the first time in my life, I actually WANTED to be alone, and I was okay with it! And if I could thank him for that, I would.


6 thoughts on “Reluctant Self

  1. My biggest fear in life is having all of it come crashing to the end…. via divorce! No more house, no car, split time with son… all of it. Gone… My biggest fear!

    I have never been happier in life than I am now. We’re spending our 6th Christmas together this year… It’s freaking awesome!!

    That and I this bottle of Merlot, is all good!! 🙂

  2. you know i have no advice for you on relationships, chica…(lately i’ve been feeling like one of those faded old wrinkled dollar bills that keeps being rejected by the money acceptor at a vending machine)…but it sounds like you’re in the process of taking yourself back, reclaiming yourself and that’s a healthy step…relationships are a messy business, lord knows…sometimes it’s good for the soul to hang solo for a while…with any luck we can gain a bit of perspective…anyway…a good, honest piece of writing…you took it on right in the heart of the thing and that’s the best any writer can hope to do…

    be well

  3. I always found that I was better off by myself then in a relationship…partly because I feel like I loose my identity everytime I have a boyfriend.

    I don’t want to be seen as just a random girl in some guys life.

    I dunno… maybe I just haven’t met Mr. Right for me.

  4. I know what you mean izzy, one minute you think you’re in a romance and the next you’re another victim of a bad case of Stockholm Syndrome. Seriously though, from a man’s perspective I don’t think you or Selina will have a problem finding Mr. Right…

  5. I’m lucky that I haven’t been alone for a long time (going on 11 years). I think I wouldn’t mind it so much though. . .

  6. All I’m saying is, if you really love her, you should all join me now when I sing:
    Sorry there’s no corporate cake, SeLiNa, but, at least, anybody who comes here, comes here because they want to spend time with you.

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