What Lies Beneath

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I remember the night I met him. He was a miserable, cynical, sarcastic jaded fuck… just like me! I was instantly attracted! We argued over who was at the bar first and he ruluctantly backed down.

Our relationship began over double Jack ‘n’ Coke’s. We sat there for hours discussing why everyone else was fucked, but how we had it all right, the whole life thing… living life as free spirits, by the seat of our pants, with no direction at all. It got a bit out of hand when we got loaded and began ridiculing the other bar patrons for very normal things like driving a Mini Van, shopping at Wal-Mart, working a 9-5 job, or wearing Dockers. We began labelling bar patrons with “hello my name is” stickers that we found on the floor, and wrote “corporate conformist cheerleader” on them. We even made some pom poms out of cocktail napkins.

The owner of the bar came over and warned us a couple of times. Told us that we were making customers uncomfortable, and that we should either stay seated and drink or leave. We laughed it off and continued our mockery and torment. I’m pretty sure the entire bar hated us, we even received a couple of death threats. Eventually the owner decided that we were bad for business and kicked us out, telling us not to return.

We wandered the streets for a while trying to cope with the buzz that Jack so graciously left us with. We were both hungry, but neither one of us could stomach going to McDonalds or stopping in with the drunk crowd at Pizza Pizza, so we settled for good old fashioned street meat. I slid my sausage out of the sesame bun and discarded the bun in the trash (Atkins). I showed him how I could handle a sausage as I seductively slid it in and out of my mouth… He watched me smiling grandely… Then I bit it abruptly and began agressively chewing it. He grabbed his dick and frowned.

Eventually we were both tired and cranky. He offered to walk me home. I had totally lied to him earlier in the evening telling him that I was living in a one bedroom bachelor apartment with no heat or air conditioning.ย  So I wasn’t exactly comfortable having him walk me to my car (which he didn’t know I had) or home. I instead told him that I was a strong independent woman who could handle myself and that I would be insulted if he escorted me. He said okay, we exchanged numbers and parted ways!

I watched him walk away and turned the corner to head to the Green P where my BMW M Series Coupe was parked. Just as I clicked the alarm. I heard footsteps behind me and I turned around… it was him. His jaw wide open and the look of horror on his face:

“1 bedroom apartment eh…”

“Yeah, I don’t really know what to say. I lied. I’m not an activist, or a barista, I actually work for an accounting firm as the Business Services Manager.”

“Why did you lie?”

“I don’t know… for fun I guess. I thought you’d like me more.”

He laughed and looked off to one side. I stood there stunned and amused, but smiling. He looked at me and said “I wasn’t truthful with you either”.

“Oh?” I asked curiously.

“Yeah, i’m not unemployed… I’m sort of a big deal actually.”

“That’s fucking pompous” I sneered

“Ummm, I own the King Louis hotel.” he said “And… a few other boutique hotels in NY.”

It was at that point that I just broke out laughing. I laughed so hard that tears began streaming down my face. My stomach hurt like hell, and I could barely bring myself to say anything. He, in seeing this, also broke out in hysterical laughter, and soon that laughter turned to kissing and groping. We made out like high school kids in the parking lot for a good half hour.

“Let’s get out of here.” he winked at me.

I opened my passenger side door and let him in. We drove two blocks away to the King Louis hotel and I watched in awe as every single hotel employee greeted him in a suck-ass “I am a shining beacon of employee performance” sort of way. He escorted me up to a Penthouse Suite and we fucked for hours.

7 months later we married, quit our jobs and moved to Peru. We still laugh about that day, and it still hurts my stomach and reminds me of how the truth really does set you free.

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16 thoughts on “What Lies Beneath

  1. You had me with:

    “I slid my sausage out of the sesame bun and discarded the bun in the trash (Atkins)”

    My God!! I laughed my ass off after that sentence.

  2. Yeah… Everyone has a sexual Atkins reference, am I right?! Errr or at least I thought so… Okay, so maybe i’m just fucked. But that makes two of us, because you laughed! ๐Ÿ˜‰

  3. SeLiNa,
    Everyone loves a “happy drunk” story and this is the best I’ve seen. Besides, I like this ending better.

    Usually stories about happy drunks end with the pair meeting up nine months later over coffee in the bar where they met to discuss financial arrangements for the kid. Tres depressing.

  4. Ominopotent Poobah: Everyone loves a happy drunk story just like everyone loves a happy drunk. I like the ending to this one too, it’s hopeful, ironic and has a good message. I hope to write more endings like this.

    ramblingmuse: Thank you so much, that is the most amazing compliment you could ever pay me!

  5. I also like to ridicule others within my immediate environment (especially while drinking), or at the very least being nosey and trying to figure out what their “dealโ€ is. For example, there is a Starbucks near my house and two patrons are there EVERY time I swing by (which is rather often as well). It crazy, one is a struggling movie director the other looks like a muscle bound idiot, but the dude drives a H3. WTF!?!?!?!

    Oh yes your piece. I liked your piece; it was a very nice piece indeed. I loved the ending … with so much strife and hardship in the world itโ€™s nice to read a piece that illustrates the important and pleasure of truth and love. ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. Mion: You should talk to that H3 guy and find out what his deal is… Start it off with a nod, then advance to a “what’s up dude”, then perhaps a “so what’s your deal anyway?”

    I’m glad you like my piece!

    You’ve got roids: I already won the Snark Lifetime Achievement Award, which means i’m shit out of luck for all other Snark awards. Ahhh well, there’s always the Sarcastic Bitch award to look forward to.

  7. I love your stories with the happy endings – you know the ones where the couple fucks for hours afterwards.

  8. Steve: uuuuuuuuuuuuum … how weird would it be if you were him. My Starbucks is in Toronto, 427 and Queensway. Great little place … comfy couches, a fireplace, and a bunch of great patrons and keep things interesting.

    Lingo: Stop stealing my lines, what’s your deal?

  9. Selina, you, Seren & Rayne are my destiny. I will always love all of you until the day I dance quietly into the night… While it may not be for a long time, I’ve seen the future as clearly as I stare at this blog, I know you and I will cross again. Not only in heart, but in soul and realize a new level of Oneness. In time, the circle will complete and we shall be reunited. You can count on it. As you well know, my intuition has never failed me. Ever.

  10. I loved Poobah’s comment and so cannot top it… fab story… mostly because I didn’t know it was a story until Peru came into the picture!

    Fucking good!

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