Our relationship began over double Jack ‘n’ Coke’s. We sat there for hours discussing why everyone else was fucked, but how we had it all right, the whole life thing… living life as free spirits, by the seat of our pants, with no direction at all. It got a bit out of hand when we got loaded and began ridiculing the other bar patrons for very normal things like driving a Mini Van, shopping at Wal-Mart, working a 9-5 job, or wearing Dockers. We began labelling bar patrons with “hello my name is” stickers that we found on the floor, and wrote “corporate conformist cheerleader” on them. We even made some pom poms out of cocktail napkins.
The owner of the bar came over and warned us a couple of times. Told us that we were making customers uncomfortable, and that we should either stay seated and drink or leave. We laughed it off and continued our mockery and torment. I’m pretty sure the entire bar hated us, we even received a couple of death threats. Eventually the owner decided that we were bad for business and kicked us out, telling us not to return.
We wandered the streets for a while trying to cope with the buzz that Jack so graciously left us with. We were both hungry, but neither one of us could stomach going to McDonalds or stopping in with the drunk crowd at Pizza Pizza, so we settled for good old fashioned street meat. I slid my sausage out of the sesame bun and discarded the bun in the trash (Atkins). I showed him how I could handle a sausage as I seductively slid it in and out of my mouth… He watched me smiling grandely… Then I bit it abruptly and began agressively chewing it. He grabbed his dick and frowned.
Eventually we were both tired and cranky. He offered to walk me home. I had totally lied to him earlier in the evening telling him that I was living in a one bedroom bachelor apartment with no heat or air conditioning. So I wasn’t exactly comfortable having him walk me to my car (which he didn’t know I had) or home. I instead told him that I was a strong independent woman who could handle myself and that I would be insulted if he escorted me. He said okay, we exchanged numbers and parted ways!
I watched him walk away and turned the corner to head to the Green P where my BMW M Series Coupe was parked. Just as I clicked the alarm. I heard footsteps behind me and I turned around… it was him. His jaw wide open and the look of horror on his face:
“1 bedroom apartment eh…”
“Yeah, I don’t really know what to say. I lied. I’m not an activist, or a barista, I actually work for an accounting firm as the Business Services Manager.”
“Why did you lie?”
“I don’t know… for fun I guess. I thought you’d like me more.”
He laughed and looked off to one side. I stood there stunned and amused, but smiling. He looked at me and said “I wasn’t truthful with you either”.
“Oh?” I asked curiously.
“Yeah, i’m not unemployed… I’m sort of a big deal actually.”
“That’s fucking pompous” I sneered
“Ummm, I own the King Louis hotel.” he said “And… a few other boutique hotels in NY.”
It was at that point that I just broke out laughing. I laughed so hard that tears began streaming down my face. My stomach hurt like hell, and I could barely bring myself to say anything. He, in seeing this, also broke out in hysterical laughter, and soon that laughter turned to kissing and groping. We made out like high school kids in the parking lot for a good half hour.
“Let’s get out of here.” he winked at me.
I opened my passenger side door and let him in. We drove two blocks away to the King Louis hotel and I watched in awe as every single hotel employee greeted him in a suck-ass “I am a shining beacon of employee performance” sort of way. He escorted me up to a Penthouse Suite and we fucked for hours.
7 months later we married, quit our jobs and moved to Peru. We still laugh about that day, and it still hurts my stomach and reminds me of how the truth really does set you free.