Straight Faced

Disturbing… Brutal… Hard To Watch… These were the words used by the straight faced, oh-so-compassionate and humanitarian news anchor to describe a recently released video footage compilation of street brawls and ghetto fights (now on sale for only $19.99). You see the problem with this video is not that it is violent, and not that it is a bad influence, that it teaches children how to land a kick-ass uppercut or break someones nose in one bone-crushing blow… or even that you get to see some fucking serious blood, and hey who doesn’t like blood, am I right?!

No, the problem here people, is that this video footage is REAL!!! There are no Hollywood effects, expensive directors, overpaid makeup artists, obscene marketing budgets, or theatrical releases… This is real shit. This shit is happening in our school yards, in our local bars, in our neighbourhoods… and kids are filming it, selling it, and making some cash doing it! And the news… Well, they’re not happy about it! And they’re hittin’ the streets and the airwaves to express their concern!

And why… why is this such a glorious uproar?! Why is the powershaven anchor man looking through the set at me as if this is some fucking epidemic of savage anarchy?! As if the world is now suddenly going to hell in a hand-basket?!

Guess what anchorman?! We’re already fucking there. And you know what?! It wasn’t the release of this video that did it… But go ahead and promote it on the news, talk it up! Yah, that’s right… you’re making the world a better place. Keep reciting that to yourself while you’re getting the makeup caked on your face and practicing your best “disturbed” face in the mirror…. Because this… THIS is what we need to do… yes, we need to talk about it. Your way! Highlight it… fuck… let’s show some footage too, just to really drive the point home! You might wanna consider looping a few of the more brutal scenes. Make sure they’re in the upcoming “highlights” section before the commercial break too. Tell us how brutal and wrong this footage is… Where we can buy it, how much it costs, while in the same breath saying how “disturbing” it is. Do that face that you do, furrow those brows… make the puppy dog eyes… The “what is this world coming to face”…. and do this all with a STRAIGHT FACE as you practice your responsible journalism… As you do your due diligence of informing the people of the political and social issues that plague our great nation, the cancers that erode our communities…That’s right anchorman, bring us all together in fear and harmony… As your station single handedly tackles all of the worlds problems…

And makes them worse… at 6 o-clock and 11 o-clock, every fucking day!

This is Lingo Slinger signing out! Have a good night and a pleasant tomorrow!


9 thoughts on “Straight Faced

  1. I think what is more disturbing in the world today is the fake insincere news anchors you describe. Flip on any american network to especially see it. I love when the teleprompters fuck up and they are left to their own vapidnes and adlibs.

  2. The media has always been this shallow. That’s why I try to stick to local news that usually keeps it real.

    Somtime I rather now watch teh news because it’s nothing BUT violence. Hardly any good news.

    MacBros Out!

  3. Hey SeLiNa.

    I hope all is well.

    I must admit that a good portion of the news I get comes from “The Daily Show” and “The Howard Stern Show”…Sometimes I take the bait while I’m watching a show and they tell you what’s gonna be on the news later…I usually sit through a lot of crap before the story I wanted to see, and more often than not, I’m disappointed…My point? I don’t really have one…

    The media flourishes while the world around them crumbles and when there’s a slow news day, I imagine they hope for something terrible to happen so that they’ll have something to talk about and investigate for days…(Like that overpass collapse in Montréal the other day. They should be able to milk that for weeks…Job security, I suppose. I guess it’s good work if you can live like that).

    The coolest (by ‘coolest’, I mean stupidest) thing I noticed was when we had that power outage a few years ago and they showed the viewer detailed schematics of how to render our hydro-generating stations useless, (if you’re so inclined). You’d think in the age of “Amber Alerts” and the constant threat of terrorist activity that somebody somewhere would maybe think before doing something like that…

    As for those fighting videos, I hadn’t heard about them until I read your post, but I was just telling Lasagna the other day how most of the people around us at the grocery store had probably never been punched in the face…and how I believed that some of them truly deserved to be…(But that’s just how I get when we’re shopping and people aren’t aware of their surroundings…It’s a lot like road rage, I suppose…except you’re pushing a cart and you’re within punching/choking/flying knee distance)…I would probably never hit anybody in a grocery store, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that they don’t deserve to be hit…hard. I imagine it will be necessary for kids to learn how to land and how to take a punch…for one day they may encounter a shopper on a cell phone, discussing what should be purchased while their one kid is going for the world’s record for how many marshmallows he can stuff into his mouth…The other kids’s sprawled on the floor, screaming and flailing about…Yet this shopper on the phone apparently doesn’t seem to care…Meanwhile no one else can get through that area of the store…I think a punch would really wake this shopper up…But that’s just me and my wishful thinking…Don’t even get me started on movie theater crowds…

    Anyway, sorry for the rant…But I agree that things are kinda fucked up already…Whether they release a fight video, or Screech releases a sex tape…Much of the damage has already been done…

    Take care out there, SeLiNa!

    Your Pal,



    If you act now, you can get the fight tapes and they’ll throw in the Screech sex video for just $5.99 more!!! (While quantities last).

  4. I have mixed emotions…

    Could the kids filming this stuff fight each other instead?

    I like how you say Canada is a great nation! Says who? (note this comes from an American)

  5. Umm, I believe she just did there steve.
    And she’s right, Canada is a great Nation. 😛 Cause’ I say so.

  6. TJ: I believe you can buy this DVD pretty much anywhere in Canada that sells DVD’s… It’s called “street brawls and ghetto fights” or something like that.

    Johnny: You are so right. I honestly feel like throwing up each and every time I turn on the news. It literally makes me ill. I guess that’s why I don’t really watch the news.

    Davidbale: Yes I am interested!!! As long as there is some drunken debauchery, cat scraps, boobs, and wardrobe malfunctions… I’m all over it!

    MacBros: Totally! Watching the news is much worse than watching any horror movie! In fact it is ten times scarier than the scariest horror movie you can think of… Throw in some pompous insincere wanker anchormen and it’s enough to make anyone snap.

    Zambo: Well said my friend. Some very valid points. The news stations totally prey on disaster, and get excited when bad things happen… Which is totally fucked! I’m sure that Montreal overpass thing will be milked for weeks. I noticed that the school shooting in the States (the Amish one) has been getting a crazy amount of coverage, they even have the whole thing computer animated and have mocked up the school girls complete with bonnets and boobs! Fucked isn’t even the word!

    Steve: As your less experienced, but compassionate neighbour (with a “u”) to the North, I say… You guys don’t exactly have it right down there, but neither do we! The point is, that people try! And yes, we are a great Nation… as are you! We both just unfortunately have some bad people who infect our great Nations. And it seems that we are both (Canada and the U.S.) obsessed with news and disaster.

    And in closing… I think the best thing any of us can do is turn off our televisions… if even only for a week. It is so much nicer.

    I guess ignorance is bliss sometimes.

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