Disturbing… Brutal… Hard To Watch… These were the words used by the straight faced, oh-so-compassionate and humanitarian news anchor to describe a recently released video footage compilation of street brawls and ghetto fights (now on sale for only $19.99). You see the problem with this video is not that it is violent, and not that it is a bad influence, that it teaches children how to land a kick-ass uppercut or break someones nose in one bone-crushing blow… or even that you get to see some fucking serious blood, and hey who doesn’t like blood, am I right?!
No, the problem here people, is that this video footage is REAL!!! There are no Hollywood effects, expensive directors, overpaid makeup artists, obscene marketing budgets, or theatrical releases… This is real shit. This shit is happening in our school yards, in our local bars, in our neighbourhoods… and kids are filming it, selling it, and making some cash doing it! And the news… Well, they’re not happy about it! And they’re hittin’ the streets and the airwaves to express their concern!
And why… why is this such a glorious uproar?! Why is the powershaven anchor man looking through the set at me as if this is some fucking epidemic of savage anarchy?! As if the world is now suddenly going to hell in a hand-basket?!
Guess what anchorman?! We’re already fucking there. And you know what?! It wasn’t the release of this video that did it… But go ahead and promote it on the news, talk it up! Yah, that’s right… you’re making the world a better place. Keep reciting that to yourself while you’re getting the makeup caked on your face and practicing your best “disturbed” face in the mirror…. Because this… THIS is what we need to do… yes, we need to talk about it. Your way! Highlight it… fuck… let’s show some footage too, just to really drive the point home! You might wanna consider looping a few of the more brutal scenes. Make sure they’re in the upcoming “highlights” section before the commercial break too. Tell us how brutal and wrong this footage is… Where we can buy it, how much it costs, while in the same breath saying how “disturbing” it is. Do that face that you do, furrow those brows… make the puppy dog eyes… The “what is this world coming to face”…. and do this all with a STRAIGHT FACE as you practice your responsible journalism… As you do your due diligence of informing the people of the political and social issues that plague our great nation, the cancers that erode our communities…That’s right anchorman, bring us all together in fear and harmony… As your station single handedly tackles all of the worlds problems…
And makes them worse… at 6 o-clock and 11 o-clock, every fucking day!
This is Lingo Slinger signing out! Have a good night and a pleasant tomorrow!