Reality Fatality

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I smoked my first joint at 13 years old… Ohhh I was a bad ass! I smoked that hoolie like it was the 100th one I’d smoked, as if I were a seasoned smoker, an elite toker, a bionic chronic, a right said pot head, a loner stoner! And my friends, oh they watched in awe… As the smoke of the Gods filled my lungs, my eyes gained new red-eyed sight, my consciousness took flight and I passed the dutchie pon the left hand side with baked delight!

But something funny happened after that day… I really did become a stoner. I really did become a seasoned smoker, an elite toker and a supersonic bionic chronic of infinite proportions. And soon… I was getting high every fucking morning at 8:30 am on the bleachers before class. I would wake and bake… get high just for resisting reality’s sake… and all of my classes blitzed and bombed I would take! My teachers knew I was a smart girl though, just a smart girl who smelled like a fine mixture of purple haze and patchouli, with a penchant for paranoid twitches and brain circuit glitches. I could never seem to eliminate that 12 second delay from the time I was asked a question to the time I answered. They would give me a grace period and watch me squirm as my slow and steady brain tried like the little engine that could to retrieve and gather the required information and answer in record time… 3 or 4 times longer than it took everyone else to cough up the goods.

The years went by and I adjusted. And soon, I wasn’t even high anymore… Because it was my natural state of being, my natural way, the stoner sway, the unmotivated slacker carpe diem of seize the day… Or the joint anyway!

So I graduated high school, and not with honors! And my classes, what a bunch of yawners. But fuck, I passed… I had a blast, and I was an adult at last! I don’t remember anything I learned or gained, unless you consider the loss of many brain cells, memory and motor skills, and a sketchy paranoid demeanor that can’t quite be explained.

Onto college, working, and cocaine I go… Leaving behind me the innocent harmless horticultural glow. Because now my life is moving faster, the house music, parties, money and techno… My current self competing against my former self, tryin’ to outlast her. And things were sorta crazy, things were getting’ hazy, and not that same purple haze from high school that gave me a happy glaze, no… I was tweakin’, and freakin’, and my mind was movin’ too fast for my mouth which was speakin’. A Saturday night was NEVER just a Saturday night, because it went into the next day and sometimes afternoon, and before I knew it the sun was replacing the moon. And I was sketchy, and I was weird, and I was wired and never tired, because I was chemically altered, and permanently faltered.

And then one day I opened my eyes and said “shit… I don’t even know what reality is anymore”… I have tripped and fallen and lost the door. I have traveled away from my centered spiritual core. I have become a depraved creature of habit and substance, always wanting more, and not the kind of substance that makes me feel good anymore. I can’t do this… I gotta stop, and if I don’t, I’m just gonna drop! My life will be in vain, no one will remember my name, and I will probably have a heart attack, or just go completely insane.

So I stopped getting high one day and embraced my reality, I swallowed hard and faced my personal fatality… It wasn’t easy, coming to terms with my flawed abnormality… Realizing that the state of my body and mind was because of my own destructive brutality.

And I knew… The only way I could truly cleanse my soul, the only way that I could again feel whole, get my life on a roll… was to forget about drugs… and use poetry and language to demonstrate my total lack of control.

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26 thoughts on “Reality Fatality

  1. You never cease to amaze me. This is a wicked post. Did you write this recently? Perhaps you should use it at your next poetry slam.

  2. Hey SeLiNa!

    I enjoyed this post. I liked it a lot.

    Glad to hear that you’re off the pot!

    Take care out there!

    Your Pal,

    Zambo.

  3. Izzy: Thanks so much! I did write this recently… Like 9 o-clock this morning recently… 🙂 And in fact I wrote it with the sole intention of it being my next slam piece. My next gig is coming up at the end of the month, so i’ll be performing this in front of a crowd… I will likely be posting the video as well.

    Steve: Thank you so much for the awesome poetic comment you left me! I love that!

    Poobah: Well, you’d be correct! The Great Gatsby is one of my all time favourite books, and I am a HUGE Dr. Suess fan! In fact I have all of his books.

    Zambo: Look at you go, with your rhyming comment. Man, you and Steve should come to my next slam and get up on the stage and do your own pieces! And for the record… While I am extremely happy that I am off the pot, It’s also pretty good that I am off of the blow.

  4. You know I used to write a bit of poetry. Let me post one for you here SeLiNa. Hee Hee

    With a little bit of gold, and a paper or two
    I have enough to make my dreams come true.
    I’ll smoke a joint, and toke by toke,
    I’ll remember why I love to smoke-
    I’ll feel myself begin to get high,
    and then I’ll sit and wonder why:
    Marijuana is illegal. (DJE- 1972)

  5. Even though alot of us can look back and feel what you just wrote. I know I certainly can.

    as much as we come to the realization that it is not cool to do what we did…as much as we realizee it hurt others(namely our families), I have to say that lifestyle saved me from so much else. It saved me from losing it when me family was sick…fuck saved me from when I was sick. My mind accepted more and understood more(or so it seemed).

    Good times…good times, when we realize that new good times are on the horizon.

    Love ya gurl!!

    Pegasus

  6. Halfway through I started reading out loud.
    This one demands to be shared with a crowd.
    And now that you’ve emerged from your mushroom cloud,
    You have a funny take on all the tokes you took and coke you snuck and miscellaneous drugs you disavowed.
    I’m glad we know you now.

  7. Probably one the best decisions that you have ever made. I know too many friends and muscicians that didn’t make it out of the 90s alive due to heroin and other junk. At least you have writing to channel your energy into!

  8. West Coaster: Thank you so very much! Coming from you, that means a tremendous amount to me!

    Diane: That was great!!! LOL!! I love it! You dug into the archives for that one too didn’t you?!

    Pegasus: I never regret my past. I will never regret the things I did… All of my experiences (chemical included) made me who I am 🙂 I guess we all have our own epiphany’s and our own realizations, and it happens on each of our own individual timelines. Good times were had though, that is for sure!

    Nick: Well… If you ever wanna smoke a joint for ol’ times sake… gimme a holler! 😉 Oh no wait… we’re parents, that wouldn’t be right… Right?!

    davidbale: Damn!!! You have SKILL… Love it! I too am glad that people know me in this light and not the latter… I have changed quite significantly, for the better of course!

    Steve: Nothing at all wrong with trying to be a dork! I am one myself… and usually I don’t even try.

    fredcharles: Yep I am so happy that I am living the way I am and writing the way I am. It is an amazing way for me to channel my energy. I too have one too many dead friends, and one too many sad stories as a result of a crazy lifestyle. There comes a point where the party stops and the scene around you isn’t fun anymore… It’s desperate, and sad.

  9. I could definitely feel the flow. Definitely a slam-worthy piece. Gosh, it’s been a while since I’ve been to one.

  10. The first time I smoked out was the same time I was introduced to Pink Floyd and Cheech and Chong. Life hasn’t been the same since.

  11. This is going to kill at your next poetry slam. The tempo, emotion, and raw energy are sure to win the crowd (and non-wanker judges) over. The one thing I love about this piece is that often writers tend to look back and write about their past with resentment or regret. You didn’t do that here … your past shapes your present; it gives you strength and resolve. I like that.

    Daaaaaaamn, the Russian judge at your next poetry slam is going to go crazy when you perform this piece. Inspiring work! I think you’ve touched (and will touch) alot of folks with this piece. It touched me!

  12. S*: You must get out to a slam soon… It’s a great night out (as i’m sure you know)… Such a nice detour from the usual bar scene. Hell, you’d probably make a damn fine slam poet!!!

    Patrick: Cheech & Chong changed all of our lives I think. I will never get tired of watching Up In Smoke!

    Johnny Wadd: Thanks so much!!! I am happy to have assisted you with your arousal both physically and intellectually! Commenting while high is sometimes unavoidable… LOL!!

    Mion: That’s the hope! I am really feeling this piece. It’s honest… and revealing, and very much me. I am practicing this one like mad. Hoping
    to inspire.

  13. BRAVO!!!!

    Yes, a great piece for a slam was the first thing that came to mind! I cannot wait to see you kick some ass with this!

    Brilliant Lingo! Brilliant!

  14. Wow Selina my fave post of yours so far! I like how you put it all into such a flowing lyrical cadence of words!! For me (here goes…), I thought that the crazy party life and drugs would help me forget the horrors of war, of what it’s like to kill a man. Ultimately it just sweeps the issues under the rug. We both fell down a trap and we didn’t see it coming. It’s hard to notice you’re risking it all when everything else in your life seems to be advancing in your finances and career. Unfortunately in the life of love is where the price was paid for reasons more than I could ever fathom at the time. When you’re younger, it’s all about acquiring things. In the more mature years it’s all about losing everything you hold dear. Still in the end, the most important thing of all is that we’re awesome parents to two little diva wolverinas. We still have our sanity and health intact and we always provide the best we can for the girlies. Heh, oh how the things that confine you also set you free, like a little poetry perhaps…

    These Things Are Good

    watching my twin daughters grow and seeing them happy
    riding my snowboard so fast that my legs shake
    reuniting with my soul
    and the medals I bear upon my chest

    These Things Suck

    holes in my future cats
    the drugs that took the moon from me
    the feeling of my heart being broken
    and the medals I bear upon my chest

    Even best commandos get lost sometimes, but we never lose our spirit and we never, ever give up. A True navigator doesn’t need maps or compasses to the find his way, all he needs are the moon and stars to guide him. I too, look forward to the future and the dreams and hopes that lie ahead, so here’s to being inspired to where you’re at my friend!

    In the coming months I continue to look forward to becoming harder, better, faster, and stronger than ever before. I am fueled by the gift of twins and inspired by the Goddess that brought them here with me. It’s a force that few men in this world will ever know or understand. It’s a force that drives you to be the best you can be.

    I may be a bit behind, but I don’t think we’ve seen the seen the Endy of me yet Selina…

  15. Macbros: No. I didn’t disable trackbacks… or if I did, I don’t know how. In fact I know absolutely nothing about trackbacks and couldn’t even really give a definition if asked. That’s how in the dark I am. But I most certainly want people to link to me.

    MizB: As always, a pleasure to hear your thoughts and I am humbled by them! Thank you! I will most certainly be posting the video of this one.

    Joe: Wow… Yeah, that was definitely a comment, and then some! A carefully crafted and thought out comment that goes way beyond the words written in my post. You’ve really been taking an interest in my writing lately, it’s nice to see. I value your friendship and opinion a lot and hope that we always have an honest and mature relationship.

  16. way to go, this is the first post i’ve read of yours in quite some time. I too feel like i should quit the drug/drinking problems i have had, but its just not the right time in my life i guess… congratulations, glad i decided to start reading again.

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