Getting Close

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I don’t have this life thing figured out yet, but I think I’m getting close.

I’m getting close because I can listen to my heart beat and decode and decipher each individual beat… the language of my heart… The language of my heart tells me when something is right. The language of my heart tells me when something is wrong. And the language of my heart never strings me along.

I’m getting close because I care less and less about what others think and more about what I think. Because at the end of the day it’s me who has to stand in front of the mirror, it’s me who has to live with my intentions, my decisions, and even my revisions.

I’m getting close because I look at my daughters and I want them to have what I didn’t, I want them to be who I wasn’t, I want them to learn what I didn’t, but do it their own way, and if that’s not what they want… then “hey”.

I’m getting close because I am not haunted by my past. I don’t dwell on things that happened or didn’t happen. I don’t regret or forget, or even get upset. I don’t look behind me, I always look ahead. I look forward because it’s not what happened yesterday that matters today, but what happens today that matters now, and what will happen tomorrow that will matter then.

I’m getting close because it’s the little things in life that I am starting to take notice of. The simple things. The daily things. The things with no strings. Things like a hot cup of tea, watching my daughters play, and having a nice dinner, and not worrying about wanting to be thinner.

I’m getting close because I can see the beauty and wisdom that comes with age. I don’t want to stop the aging process, I don’t want to stay young forever and I am excited about one day being a funky grandma with a lot of tattoos and a strange obsession with black cats, vintage wine, and continuing to write, refine and shine.

So maybe I don’t have this life thing figured out yet, and maybe I never will, but if I don’t, at least I can say I came close. And maybe the beauty rests in never quite figuring it out… Maybe it’s the journey that matters most, the awareness, the learning, the growing, the soul searching, the trying, the loving, and eventually; the dying

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14 thoughts on “Getting Close

  1. YEEEESSSS!!

    I applaud you, dear friend, on a beautiful post! Funny thing is that my husband and I talk about this so much and it always comes up anytime I see one of those plastic-surgery-plastic-faced women that so freak me out… I end up muttering “Face reality bitch! You are still going to die some day!”

    I agree with you… it is beautiful to grow into yourself and keep loving yourself, or learning to do so as best you can, as you change. I can see myself age and am so happy it is not causing any panic within… huge marker in my life…

    No wonder bohemians loooove you so! Besos!

  2. Patrick: I whole-heartedly agree and I try to say that as often as I can! 🙂

    MizB: There is nothing sadder than an aging woman who is desperately trying to turn back the hands of time by way of cutting into her skin! I think women are beautiful, and I think women only get more beautiful with age. I have such respect for confident women who embrace their age and natural beauty and don’t feel the need to look 20 years younger. I wish there were more women out there like you MizB, the world would be a much more honest and beautiful place!

  3. Good post sistah!!

    I love how you placed things. I notice alot of these same “wake up’s” now. Thanks for ever so eloquently putting it in to words.

    Much love,
    Pegasus

  4. Good post Selina. If only our daughters could read they would be proud of their mama, as I know their father certainly is. Honest practice of writing, like true practice of living, comes from the heart as much as the head. I know in my heart you’ll go far no matter where life, or your words, take you…

    joe

  5. This poem reminds me of a great Albert Einstein quote I heard while I was completing my undergrad. I was taking an epistemology course and one rainy afternoon my professor turned to us and said, “I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity.” I remember looking at my classmates puzzled, wondering what exactly my professor had meant. And more importantly, would it be on the final exam. But I guess that was the point all along.

    Much like you, I am getting close. Close to self fulfillment, close to self actualization. I’m starting to realize what my professor, and Einstein, actually meant. I look forward to the future. I look forward to a time of wisdom, of beauty, of clarity. I look forward to having wrinkles, and having the squint to read the morning paper. I can’t wait for the first time my son or daughter beats me at basketball, or when I a start sentences with “In my day …”.

    Life isn’t necessarily about getting closer to a goal or desire. I believe life is about discovering that your goals and desires are all around you. And that realization (whenever it becomes visible), it truly what makes life worth living.

    Outstanding post … even though I was kinda hoping for a big orgasmic finish too!

  6. Pegasus: Much luv comin’ right back atcha! I so appreciate and respect your opinion, as always! The wake ups are bitter sweet.

    Joe: You couldn’t have paid me a higher compliment! I so appreciate what you said. And if life does take me to some nice places I partially have you to thank for that, because your influence helped me become who I am right now. Thanks so much for what you said, truly!

    West Coaster: I must say, i’m fucking intrigued… I wanna know how one can rebuttal a piece like this. Are you gonna turn this into a big orgasm, because I know that’s what everyone wants!

    Poobah: Thanks 🙂 I’m glad you liked my finish… I figure I write enough about sex on a regular basis, so you guys wouldn’t mind if I took a night off.

    Mion: That Einstein quote is incredible on so many levels. It really demonstrates the wisdom that comes with age. The only thing to fear is fear itself, that’s what I believe. Totally dig what you said about “realization”, that is what makes life worth living. Thank you for such a beautiful and insightful comment. You’re neat! I like you!

  7. I guess that I’ll stand alone in the crowd, feeling that the journey is usually better than the destination. I liked the build up. The climax means that its over. 😦

  8. MrCorey: I think we’re all about the journey! It’s the only way! The journey is also where we get to learn all sorts of crazy shit.

  9. Hey Anna,
    Thanks for stopping in sister 😀 I did perform this piece at a slam (the only one where I made it to round 2), but unfortunately I was totally unprepared to advance past the first round and did a horrible job, so I don’t think the crowd was really diggin’ it.

    ;P

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