Define Success


I woke up one morning and I looked beside me and said “shit… what time is it?”. I looked at my alarm clock and it was 9:54 am. I was supposed to be at work an hour and fifty four minutes ago. I panicked and sprung from my bed. I scrambled for the phone and called my boss… I left him a frantic message, something about how my power went out, my daughter had a rash and my car ran out of gas. “Yeah… that should do it” I thought to myself.

I showed up at work at 11:10 am ready to face the day. I got some weird looks from people but disregarded them as I went down to the cafeteria to get my omelette and coffee. I logged into my network at 11:30. My phone was flashing so I checked my messages. One of them was from my boss “Selina… When you get in, come and see me immediately” *click! I hyperventilated a bit before chugging my Columbian coffee. I straightened my blouse, cleared my throat and confidently strolled over to my bosses office as if I were a fucking shining beacon of a role model employee. I waltzed in there with the confidence of Miss America and sat in my throne before him as he looked at me with weak eyes and shut the door behind me.

“Look… You’re a great person, and I like you… but you really aren’t cut out for this job”

“What do you mean?’ I asked in a caught off guard (but not really) sort of way.

“Well… It’s just that… You show up every day at 10 and 11 o-clock, you spend half of the day surfing the net and the other half going out to get your nails done or having drinks with friends. I just don’t think you’re committed to your job. You just don’t seem to care about much around here.”

“Okay… so what are you saying.”

“I’m saying that you need to get your act together. If you don’t, we’re gonna have to let you go and give your job to someone who actually wants to do it.”

“Ohhhh I get it… Because I have an ounce of independence coupled with a drive to succeed outside of the confines of this corporate confinement, you wanna bring me down. You don’t actually want me to succeed… Unless of course my definition of success matches the definition of sucesss that you are looking for.”

“Look. I don’t want to argue with you. I’m trying to help you.”

“Of course you are!”

“All I’m asking is that you change a few things and you could make it very far within this organization. Hell, you could even be senior management if you pulled it together. You’re smart enough and certainly strategic enough… You just have to want to.”

“I see”

“So do you?”

“Do I what?”

“Do you want to succeed?”

“Of course I want to succeed!”

“But do you want to succeed within the organization?”

“Can I be honest here for a second Chet?!”


“Well then… Not really.”


“Yeah… I just couldn’t really give less of a shit… And I guess that’s my problem.”

“Well then… I don’t really know what to say.”

“Am I fired?”

“No… But just try not to go against the grain so much okay?!”

I left his office and headed back to my 6 x 6 cubicle and checked my personal emails, chatted on MSN for a bit and then went out for a smoke while I pondered the possibilities of my life. At 4 o-clock I checked out for the day and rode out the next hour gossiping with coworkers about the political hierarchy of Survivor!


9 thoughts on “Define Success

  1. I like the second half of your day the best.

    My boss once told me that she knows something is wrong when I don’t have a manicure…. lol After that time off for a manicure isn’t such a big deal now.


  2. Hey SeLiNa!

    That sounds awesome! There’s a part of me that hopes it’s true…

    I get away with a lot at work, but my bosses keep switching roles and then I have to win over a whole new Manager-bot…Frankly it’s a lot of work…More than I really care to do…So I have stopped even caring…I walk into work most days secretly hoping that they’ll tell me it’s game over. Then I try to hide the joy and ask about my severance package…Then I whistle all the way to my car…Sometimes in this fantasy, I skip…and other times I strut…

    Here’s a joke I heard on “Penn and Teller: Bullshit!” tonight…It was used to distract from a bad etiquette move made at a formal dinner…

    Hey everybody, why don’t snakes have balls?
    ‘Cause hardly any of them know how to dance!

    It was told with such gusto by Penn Jillette at the staged dinner that I laughed right out loud, saying, “That is some funny shit!”

    Now I’m all caught up with what you’ve been up to these days.

    Take care out there!

    Your Pal,


    Have you heard about the 2007 IKEA catalogue scandal? Visit my Blog for more info…You’ll get a kick out of it, I think!–>

  3. I love your attitude. My attitude with any job I ever had was ‘I was looking for a job when I found this one’ and ‘what are you going to do, fire me?’. People with the high an might attitudes need to realize we all put our pants an the same way, so what if the are a big shot.

  4. I’d say the fact that you’re still employed after that little convo means old Chet (and Hey ramblingmuse- it worked for Huntley 😉 wants to get in your pants. LOL

  5. I have fantasies about walking out and never comming back on an hourly basis. I just don’t really get it, why does everybody always have to pretend that they are so happy to be where they are? When I was managing a bar, and believe me this was the biggest shithole in London, I said to my staff listen, we are all here because we are fucked up and unemployable but if we do X,Y and Z in preparation each night we won’t have to work so hard the rest of the night. they where still too scared to admit that they hated their job, even when I was saying it’s ok, this IS a shit job. I would feel much better about my job if it was ok that it’s not my priority in life…And yes, I wish I had the balls.

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