On Relationships…

I often wonder what impact my childhood had on who I am today. Did I turn out the way I did as a direct result of how my parents raised me, or did I just get programmed with these very complex genes?! How come my brother and sister don’t seem to be afflicted with the same set of issues that I am dealing with?!

My parents aren’t exactly the most lovestruck couple in the world. I think they like eachother (sometimes) but they aren’t soulmates or the kind of couple that holds hands when they go for walks. In fact, they don’t even go for walks… and when their resentful eyes meet you can sometimes feel the coolness of the stare and can almost hear the thoughts if you’re quiet (usually “that fucking prick” or that “miserable bitch”). Oh yes… Is that what I have to look forward to one day?! A loveless marriage that stems from convenience and comfort rather than truth. Not on my watch!

They get along sometimes and are even capable of enjoying eachothers company at times, but these two are not a match made in heaven! They are like some e-Harmony story gone wrong. I have always expected that they would divorce… yet year after year, they somehow make it through without killing eachother or themselves. It’s a weird sort of existence, and not one that I would necessarily strive for… but it’s their dynamic, I guess.

I just find it kind of sad that’s all. Just seems wrong to me! This strange “way”. Although some people will disagree with me and say “that’s what marriage is… it takes work… it’s not easy… You really have to work at it… blah blah blah”. You know what I think?! I think It should never be work to love someone! It should never be hard to look at that person each day and think how lucky you are to be with them! Years of resentment coupled with silence and unspoken words of anger are not part of this equation. That’s not marriage! Dare I say, that’s not even love!

Am I wrong?! If so, I can live with that… I will continue to believe that I am right!

We only get one shot at this thing called life. One chance… One chance to live, yet many chances to love… I guess it just depends on what your interpretation of love is. Love, like art is subjective. Maybe marriage just isn’t what it used to be. There has definitely been a culture shift. My generation does not view relationships the same way as my parents generation does… and there is an even further disconnect from what their parents believed. With each generation, the traditional views of relationships seem to be challenged and questioned. I wonder if my daughters will even believe in marriage when they are my age…

Oh… and thanks mom and dad, for the healthy view of relationships you’ve provided me with! No need to feel guilty though, I am figuring this stuff out (slowly but surely)! Love you both, but GOD DAMN people!!!

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7 thoughts on “On Relationships…

  1. Thats creepy. You described, almost exactly, the relationship my parents have. I swear, the can’t stand the sight of each other. They sleep in separate beds. Yet they’ve been together for 46 years. I know they love each other on some level. They just don’t LIKE each other.

  2. SeLina,
    Marriage is indeed work. There is nothing wrong with that so long as you like your work, but everyone has the occasional bad day at the office.

    Shit happens.

    Marriage and love? Not much alike. You can work hard at marriage, you may even love what you’re doing, but like most work, if everyone else isn’t pulling their fair share it becomes a struggle.

    Love, at least in the early going, shouldn’t require much work. If you find this happening, immediately take stock, because there may (although not always) be a problem. The same is true if it comes to easily. Watch out for the fool’s gold of love. It’s there. Don’t pick it up.

    As the years go on, love is harder to maintain and isn’t always easy. I suppose you might say that dealing with this is work, I’d say that it’s just another way to love. The secret is in both people getting what they want as often as possible. And if you are in love, that should happen more often than not.

    Just my two cent worth.

  3. My parents have been married for 41 years and the for last 20 years all I hear from my mom is what is she gonna do when my father passes away. You know, where is gonna live, his death benefits, all that stuff and what happens if it happens before he can get social security. Yeah he, is 61 now and in good health, AND goes to work everyday like he has to earn living for the last 40 years. WTF mom? Seriously.. that is totally morbid!! Lately my brother’s and I just say, yeah what is he gonna do if you go first! Doesn’t like that one.

    We’re the fortunate one’s Selina. Marriage isn’t for everyone and we are lucky our parents are still together even if they stare each other down with insults.

  4. my parents have been divorced since I was a kid, and they really don’t like each other.

    My dad’s second wife and I have a special relationship. You might call it a nurturing friendship.

    My dad’s third wife takes care of my ailing dad and her ailing 104 year old father. My dad and his wife don’t sleep together and it is kind of creepy just
    being at their house.

    I have had my share of marriage myself. A good marriage takes work. You have to be willing to give in and not take things too personally. Communication is the key.

  5. My mom used to say, “You should be thankful that we aren’t divorced like so many of your friend’s parents are.”

    And I’d be thinking, if divorce meant peace and quiet instead of living in argument h*ll, I’d vote for divorce any day.

    But, now that I’m older, I realize that life really is much more complicated than just choosing between marriage or singleness.

    I still hold onto my ideal about marriage with one partner for life, and at the ‘young’ age of 30-ish, finding other single men who feel this way is like finding a needle in a haystack.

    Anyway, we all have our hang ups and I can relate to so much that you’ve written. i.e. why didn’t my siblings end up with the same hang ups? what will the next generation thing about marriage? etc.

    I know you’re not looking for a bullsh*t answer or response.
    So…umm….relationships….yeeeah… They suck a**.

    Hang in there, Chica!

  6. It only took me two months to get into this marriage but I’m still in it 24 years later. On the big TWO FIVE I want a new car. LOL

  7. Hey SeLiNa.

    Sorry to hear about your folks’ relationship sucking…

    My folks, despite all the arguing they do, seem to actually enjoy each other’s company. I believe that they actually love each other too…It’s strange that they seem to be in the minority these days though…

    Being an only child raised by parents who love each other, I feel that I have no practical frame of reference to offer you any good advice, my friend…

    But here’s something that I can share regarding marriage that I heard quite some time ago:

    Single men tend to outlive married men…but married men are more willing to die.

    That’s all I got.

    Take care out there, SeLiNa!

    Your Pal,

    Zambo.

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