My Very Own Stalker

I feel so damn special right now! I have my very own stalker! I thought this day would never come… I didn’t think I was stalker-worthy, but apparantly I am!! How fucking cool is that?! Someone actually thinks i’m interesting enough to spend copious amounts of time learning all there is to learn about me (in a limited “what i choose to share” perspective). It’s funny though because I rarely even check my statistics, but I have been lately because it’s hard not to notice someone stalking you to this degree.

Granted I have visited people’s sites a few times in a day, especially if I haven’t had time to read all that I wanted to (who hasn’t?!)… But this… this is different you see. I am very good at analyzing this sort of behaviour, and this kat is quite interested in me! Not so much my writing… or my site… but ME specifically! It’s not a “i’m gonna dig through your archives and read more of your stuff cuz i like your style” sort of thing. In fact, it has zero to do with my writing!

The stalking has been happening for a couple of weeks now and has been more concentrated and intense the past few days. I’m wondering if i’m going to get one of those letters in the mail… you know like one of the ones that Whitney got in The Bodyguard! But what would I do if I got one of those letters? I don’t have a Bodyguard… I don’t even have a cat anymore… But I do know some Tae Kwon Do (which is always helpful) and the lil’ divas are pretty scary sometimes too, so hopefully they can help! I know that I feel like running when their little banshee-like screams hit an octave so high that it sends deafening sound waves shattering through the atmosphere. And I have been headbutted in the face a few times by them!

Maybe my stalker will come to my house one day… Hide in the bushes, dig through my garbage, watch me through some high-end night vision super-stalker 3000 stalking binoculars… Follow me to work, follow me to the grocery store, to my friends house, tap my phone. The possibilities are endless!

Or

Maybe my stalker will realize that I am just some chick with a website who writes some fucking strange shit once in a while, and who has something called a “stat tracker” (two of them actually) which tells me who is on my site, where they’re from, how they got there, how long they stayed, how many times they visited, and what they looked at.

I’m flattered though, really! And (to you stalker) if you’d like to out yourself, feel free to do so via the comments box in this post (that is, if you have the balls) since you have yet to comment on my site in the thousands of visits and countless hours you’ve been here. If not, no worries… I know who you are! Maybe i’ll come stalk you for a change!

Occupational hazard… I know!

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28 thoughts on “My Very Own Stalker

  1. If he/she fails to live up to their duties as your personal stalker, may I have the job? Just open your blinds around midnight tomorrow if the answer is yes.

    If not, I’ll just continue to post inane comments here.

  2. Yes you absolutely may! 😉 I would be delighted to have you… I will be wearing something special tomorrow night.

  3. You know that you are a celebrity now that you have a stalker. It is kind of bizzaro though…Keep your eyes open and a nice, sturdy aluminum bat nearby.

  4. Actually do be very careful with those loons… I know two bloggers who emailed me about some intense, troublesome and scary stalker activity… it is a whole new frontier this blogosphere of ours and ’tis best to take these things seriously!

    Hey stalker boy, watch it, out yourself and come on over to the other side cause if you mess with our Lingo you are gonna have a huge mess on your hands bitch!

    You take care of you chica!

    Besos…

    Just me…

  5. Hey SeLiNa.

    I guess it’s kinda flattering, but a little creepy too huh?

    For a second there. I was like “Damn…Does she know I’m stalking her?” But then you said the stalker hadn’t commented yet and I was like, “Sweet!”

    Shit. Does “midnight tomorrow” mean Saturday at midnight (technically Sunday) or Sunday at midnight (technically Monday)? Please advise. Oh, and please wear something frilly. (If I’ve missed it, perhaps we can reschedule?)…

    Take care out there!

    Your Pal,

    Zambo.

  6. Sorry Selina… I’ll knock it off.

    I was gonna buy some plane tickets for my wife and son and head up to America Jr. I thought about going “Falling Down” and leave my rental car under a busy freeway overpass, order breakfast food at lunch at the McDonalds restaurant…

    Do you have any Korean grocery stores I can beat up with a baseball bat and pay for a coke nearby? Also I am looking for one of those military surplus shops with some freaky white supremist that I can tease.

    On a serious note, why do women get “stalkers” and all I got is a few trolls who blame me as the sole person eroding the ice caps with my wife’s H3 Hummer? I love using haloscan to flag ID’s. These people never know that you have the complete ability to track them back to their home for the police if you wanted too.

  7. Congrats girl, i’m so jealous. Personally i solicit for stalkers of the big breated brunette variety put all i ever get is acne scarred band camp twits who ask me if i know Tawny Towers.

  8. i had a stalker once.

    turned out it was a shrink doing a case study on writers who use bewildering and circuitous language designed to attract stalkers…

    story of chico’s life, right…?

    anyway, i’m not worried…you’re the punk rock ninja angel… that stalker’s toast no matter what happens…

  9. Macbros: Perhaps you and Rooster can stalk in shifts. Keep eachother company when i’m sleeping.

    Fred: yes, it is a wee bit bizarro and fortunately i have been trained in the art of knife combat by the girls daddy-o (3 years airborne reg) so no baseball bat required.

    MizB: I too have heard similar stories. I guess people think that the internet makes them anonymous or something, which to a computer iliterate person, is true. Thanks for havin’ my back though sister! xo

    Zambo: :p You are funny! I always appreciate your comments around here. You are far from being a stalker, but having said that… I am confirming that it is tonight (Sunday) at midnight that you may join Rooster & Macbros covertly outside of my house while I resume my activities inside, drapes wide open.

    Steve: That is a GREAT movie. I love that movie!! I know co-workers like that… Hell, with my road rage, that could very well be me one day. You should launch an anti-environmental concern campaign on your blog for a laugh! Piss off the trolls.

    Thanks Johnny!!! I would consider soliciting stalkers down the road perhaps, when I have more time to have fun with them… fuck with them… But for now, I have too much on the go. If my stalker has a nice rack though i’ll send her your way!

    Chico: You have some highly addictive chemical liquid in your words that attracts stalkers and makes them exhibit OCD-like characteristics! You are a fucking shining beacon of stalker heaven! You get stalked more than anyone I know! You have that certain “I don’t know what”.

  10. Wait, I got beat out by some person who doesn’t even comment on your blog?

    Geez!

    You promised me the position if I worked hard and called you every so often. I feel lied to now.

    NO blessings for you!

    Ok, I lie.

    Many blessings.

    😉

  11. Well, in fairness I tried stalking you, SeLiNa, but I just don’t have the patience. I think it might be ADD. Stalking is a VERY time-consuming hobby (even moreso than blogging!).

    Anyway, to the “stalker”: Don’t be embarrassed. Just make a comment here, and we’ll all have a good laugh (at your expense, of course), and then you won’t be a stalker anymore. . . you’ll be “Tom (or whatever your name is), they guy we thought was a stalker once” and you’ll be welcome into the conversation (unless you’re rude, and then we won’t be shy about letting you know).

  12. SeLiNa – you ARE just some chick with a website who writes some fucking strange shit once in a while, and that’s why we stalk, er, LOVE you. Don’t get a big head.

  13. Anthony: I always appreciate your blessings… Even if I don’t deserve them 🙂

    TJ: Most (normal) people don’t have time for stalking… It IS indeed very time consuming.

    DJ: Thanks for commenting 😉 I am very much just some chick with a website, and not for a second do I think otherwise. My head isn’t capable of getting big… I’m too self conscious, self-doubting, and moody for that!

  14. Night Vision goggles… pfft.

    Camping outside your window… pfft.

    I prefer using my network of spy satellites with X-Ray vision that can zoom in so close that I can see the tiny microbes in that cluster of freckles on the back of your neck.

    I must say that blue top you were wearing the other day was very fetching but I don’t think it went well with those white socks.

    Man I wish I had my own stalker. Hopefully one of those Single White female type chicks, although she was gay-ish but then I’m a lesbian as well – well at least we share the same interests.

  15. hey better not be me. i quit stalking you more than a month ago. figured you wanted me to. and when you finally look my way again? what do i have posted? could my luck be any worse.

  16. There is one thing you are overlooking my dear Selina. Your poor Welsh skin bruises easily and when push comes to shove you do have a tendacy to be a bit of a weakling. I mean the lil´ Divas have kicked your butt on more then one occassion.

    Still I´d put $20 on you to kick butt … I mean no chick with Chuck Taylors is going to be mess´d with.

    Add me to your list of stalkers too. You´re world wide now!!!!

  17. Stalkers are scary. I’ve had a couple in real life. In the blog world, I think people end up thinking they “know” you and forget what boundaries are.

  18. wookie: you’re a lesbian? wow… learn something new every day! 😉 the single white female broad would suck to have as a stalker… but i would GLADLY be stalked by the likes of Angelina Jolie anyday!!!

    mlah: yeah… i was like “what the hell is he posting” when i visited your site… i wasn’t impressed! but i don’t hold it against you! you’re still cool.

    mion: yes, i’m just a big pussy cat at heart… i can hold my own if i need to (i guess). but i’m a lover not a fighter! and you’re right… i do bruise easily, so best not to go there!

    s*: yes they can be very scary… have you seen that movie 1 hour photo? if not you should watch it… robin williams plays an AWESOME stalker!

    seriously ill: well thank you very much! i can honestly say, that nobody has paid me a compliment like that before!! 🙂

  19. zincink: hip hip hooray hip hip hooray hip hip hooray!!! stalkers, stalk the night away!

    ncik: fuck… i’ll have what you’re drinking dude!

  20. Hey Selina, I, for one, am reading your site tonight because I like yoru writing style. I feel sorry for the poor bastard who’s stalking you because he’s so shallow. He’ll never know you through your words, which is really the only good reason to know anyone, if you’re a real person with a brain and not some psychotically lame popular culture leftovers.

    Anyway, I’ve been stalked, and it doesn’t feel good. The girl actually entered my home through the side door from the garage and started walking toward me like Michael Meyers or something. Never date a crazy girl with a negative sexual history. I did nothing to contribute to hers, but I couldn’t date her because of it, after which she gained about 200 pounds on each thigh, waited six months, and showed up at my house with “love” on her agenda.

  21. COULD YOU PLEASE DELETE MY COMMENTS? It’s embarrassing.

    Your site has been stalking my Google results for 5 years now, even after I asked for the above comments to be removed so I could move on. The ONLY REASON I KEEP COMING BACK to this site is because it is showing up under my professional search results and it casts me in a negative light.

    Once again, I’m not the stalker you’ve alluded to in your post. I’m a cringe comedian and songwriter. Frankly, you just aren’t that interesting.

    -Pram Maven

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