Nobody Ever Told Me


That I would find my makeup in the toilet
That I would discover half-eaten cookies in the central vac outlet
That I would have my CD collection treated like snowshoes
That I would discover a new decibal of sound I did not know existed
That I would find an entire unravelled roll of toilet paper clogging the toilet
That I could actually find a use for a hazmat suit
That my days of sleeping in would be long over
That the bottom two shelves would no longer belong to me
That sticky floors would be a daily occurance
That the words “no” “oh no” and “what are you doing” would be all I’d need
That I would have some of my favourite books ripped and pages eaten
That I would find garbage scattered all over the kitchen floor
That I would hav cookie crumbs in my bed
That the bridge of my nose would be headbutted several times
That I would gag on a daily basis and be exposed to the most foul smells
That I would do more laundry than I ever thought possible
That even the funkiest table lamp wouldn’t be safe from destruction
That my dinner time would be between 8 and 9
That I would no longer need an alarm clock
That I would really come to understand the meaning of the word “multi-task”
And that all of this would make me glow with pride and make my heart melt!


11 thoughts on “Nobody Ever Told Me

  1. It’s like a checklist for us Selina, thanks!! One month to go, and I too will be blessed with the gift of dependency!

  2. That I would find an entire unravelled roll of toilet paper clogging the toilet.

    You see, if you had boys then that roll would not be unravelled. It would have been started and then it would have been left to the toilet to unravel it while said child would be holding the roll on his index fingers giggling with glee as the dunny devours the paper. πŸ™‚

    You should have had boys, only the vile smells you have encountered would be smellable through the Hazmat suit. But there would be no such thing as half eaten cookies, maybe a half eaten cookie jar but not half eaten cookies.


  3. They also make grown adults say the damest things. Try getting cut off with kids in the car. You say shit like ” You poo head, quit it. Im starting to get ticked off here.” It just dosnt sound as intimidating without the SHIT, FUCK, CUNT, ASSHOLE, MOTHERFUCKER. Lol

  4. Steve: It’s gonna be a wild ride… Wish I could say something that could somewhat prepare you for it, but unfortunately it’s just gonna be a rude awakening!! It gets better though πŸ™‚ every single day you’re in awe!

    Wookie: These girls are crrrrazy. In fact I think they will probably go around beating up boys in a couple more years! I am sorta happy that I don’t have boys though because i’m sure it would’ve been 100 times crazier!

    Poobah: How right you are! I never would have imagined half of this stuff.

    Beazer: You’re right about that, however I haven’t fully trained myself yet and I tend to let the odd “fuck”, “cunt”, “twat” and “wanker” slip out from time to time! I’m dreading the day they repeat any of those words! They also have this magical ability to make me act like a complete and utter retard, just so I can get a laugh out of them!

  5. Heh heh it’s funny when little kids swear.

    I was staying at my sister’s house once and I was awoken at about 6am to the sound of my nephew, who was 2 at the time, yelling out “Muuuum. Muuuum. Shit fuck shit fuck shit fuck.”

    Kids say the darndest things. πŸ™‚

  6. Yeah, mine are 13 and 16. You are a long way from sleeping in. Then you get to stay up and watch for the walking penis that asks your daughter out.

    I recommend a shovel, 9 lb. hammer and a hacksaw.

  7. Children are absolutely beautiful. After all, they are the future for this world.

    Raise them to be the change you want to see in the world. Teach them all you know. Let them learn from experience. They may fall a couple of times during their lives, but always be there to pick them up, Selina.


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