No Life Required


He was a skinny White boy with unconfident eyes and greasy shaggy hair that hung awkwardly in his face. His lanky body was too long for his little head and looked completely out of proportion. He didn’t look most people in the eye when they spoke to him and usually found some dirt to shuffle with his Brown vintage-esque Pumas. He was a semi-pro gamer and once played Everquest for 36 hours straight with only very short bathroom breaks or to open a Kraft Single. His friends used to joke and say that he would be found dead at his computer with his hand still on his mouse and his room stinking of rotted flesh, but nobody would notice for a week because he was so anti-social and cut off from the world that it wouldn’t be uncommon for nobody to hear from him in a few days.

One day while playing a FPS game online with his crew, he received a message from a guy named Smurf who he had been in a gaming clan with for 2 years;

“do you ever feel like we’re missing out on something jet?”
“what do you mean?”
“like life… we site here for hours every day playing games while our skin gets whiter and our bodies get skinnier, while people are out there actually socializing and living.”
“yah I guess”
“I dunno… I can’t help but think that maybe I need to take up a hobby or get a girlfriend or something…”
“what happened to that one girl, that…what was her name-“
“she dumped me… because of my gaming. Said that she couldn’t take it anymore”
“dumb bitch… it’s her loss bro, her loss”
“yah… I think I’m gonna stop playing”
“when now?”
“now… and moving forward. I’m done”
“whaaaat? Pshh that girl’s getting in your head dude”
“I need to get a life”
“whatever dude… if you think that you need to quit gaming, then do it”
“I am”
“right after this game”


2 thoughts on “No Life Required

  1. there you go again, chronicling (for the world) my extraordinarily pathetic and farcical life… (although i do appreciate you giving me several more inches of height and the shaggy hair, which i once had). oh well. as they say, all is fair in love and writing.

    as always, props to the punkstress of wales.

  2. Brilliant! Really! You captured the loser’s essence.

    I actually had an ass of a “friend” who invited my cousin and I over once and all he did when we arrived was play his fucking Nintendo. Another time I met up with him at a mall and all he did was play arcades. Both time he was told, in no uncertain terms, to fuck off and get a life. Nope, didn’t see much more of him after that, thank God! Not that he didn’t stop inviting!

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