A Series of Failures

She was always meeting these obscure men in obscure places and having obscure relationships with them. When she was single, she was a fucking beacon of indecisiveness and would find something wrong with even the most respectable guy. I called her one afternoon.

“Hey, how’ve you been? How are things on the dating scene?”

“Ahhh fine… I guess… I met this guy on Lava…”

“Oh?”

“He’s really nice… But…. I don’t know… He has a unibrow”

“So tell him he must pluck if he wants to fuck… that should work…”

“Well he’s sorta needy too… I just can’t deal with it. He acts like a sappy whiney little bitch. He calls me a hundred times a day and wants to see me all the time.”

“Ohhh well yeah, best not to go there then. The needy ones are always trouble. Don’t fuck him either, cuz then you’ll never get rid of him.”

“But then there’s this guy at work…”

“Ohhhh no… you know what they say about that… And you know what I think about that.”

“Yeah… I know… but don’t worry, it’s okay. There’s nothing there. He’s cute and I know he likes me (he keeps telling me)…

“But…”

“He drives a 1994 Cavalier…”

“So what? Why does that matter?”

“Yeah… I’m not getting into a 94 Cavalier…”

{laughing} “Fuck… you ARE hard to please”

“Hard to please??? All I ask is that they not be a criminal, a pot head, a loser who’s going nowhere, have a twitch in their eye… be fucked up sexually… have an unnatural attachment to their mother… be mildly retarded…. Have Red pubes… halitosis…. An overbite… braces…. Wear outdated clothing… Drive a shitbox…. Be a hairy motherfucker…. Or have a face that looks like an ass. Is that too much to ask?”

“Well… when you put it that way, I guess not…”

“I have a date tomorrow night… so we’ll see how that one goes…”

“Who’s the lucky guy?”

“Oh… he’s in Waste Management. Tall, dark and handsome.”

“Like waste management as in waste management…or waste management as in Tony Soprano ‘waste management’?”

“Ha ha ha… I didn’t ask”

“Yahhh well, you might wanna bring your mace with you and have 911 on your speed dial just in case”

“The only thing is…

“Oh god… What is it…?”

“Well…He’s married.”

“Oh for fucks sake…. Well that’s OBVIOUSLY not gonna work then is it? He probably just wants to fuck you… Don’t bother wasting your time.”

“Well… I don’t know… I’m attracted to him, and he is hot… and I could use a good shag.”

“Whatever happened to that football player guy, he was cute… he was single… he was a good guy. Why don’t you give him a call?”

“Nooooo he used to slap my ass and call me ‘kitten’ all the time… and he lived with his mom.”

“Well better that, than to have some married dude who’s just trying to get back at his wife slapping your ass…”

“I don’t know… I’m kinda leaning towards the married guy”

“Okay, well obviously the term “better judgement” is lost on you”

“Look, don’t judge me okay… I just need to get fucked. Is that so hard to understand?”

“What does he drive?”

“An Escalade…”

“Well, at least it’s roomy, because that’s probably where you’ll end up fucking!”

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9 thoughts on “A Series of Failures

  1. And she’ll be contributing to the effort to cut down on ozone depleting emissions as the more humping that’s getting done the less gas the fucker is consuming. Good for her.

  2. You are just what i was looking for… are there girls like you in my city? I think i’m going to spend a lot of my time reading your blog. Just one kiss.

  3. Hello SeLiNa!

    I’m glad to see you survived the “666” debauchery…

    Such tales of romance always make me feel all warm inside…

    I also enjoyed the allusion to the late great Johnnie Cochran…“If you wanna fuck, you gotta pluck”…(Hallmark should make a card for such an occasion)…

    Another enjoyable post!

    Take care out there, SeLiNa!

    Your Pal,

    Zambo.

  4. Nico: Ummmmmm.

    Lingo: I have a friend who is like that. She claims that she’s not picky, but then she passes up every decent guy who wants to date her. . . and THEN she picks the biggest loser of the bunch because “he’s hot.” or worse “he’s a musician, you have to understand him.”

  5. I literally shuddered after reading this post. I’ve come to know people like that in my past.

    Ah, the memories.

    😛

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