Full Bodied Bullshit

She strolled the isles of the vintage wines in the LCBO searching for the perfect companion for her evening. She pondered Alsace, New Zealand, and France… But eventually stood in front of the German wines… In the mood for something refreshing, not too dry & not too sweet, she decided on a Riesling and began narrowing it down.

As she was reading the label on a bottle of Allendorf, she felt eyes burning a hole in the back of her skull. She turned around to find a middle aged man dressed in a Blue double-breasted suit staring at her. He had sunglasses on top of his head and was clean shaven, kind of smelled of aftershave, rather than cologne.

“Looking for anything particular?” he asked

“Why do you work here?” she shot back

“No, but I am very knowledgeable when it comes to wine. I consider myself somewhat of a connoisseur.”

“Oh you are huh… So what do you usually drink?”

“Well… I am kind of all over the map, but I normally drink Red”

“I enjoy the occasional Red… So what’s your favourite Red wine?”

“Ohhh…. uhhh…. there’s so many that I enjoy it’d be hard to narrow it down to just one.”

“Uh heh… Well maybe i’ll go with a Red. Give me a recommendation… anything!”

His face turned Red (like the wine he was having trouble suggesting) and she could almost hear his heart pounding out of his chest with fear. He didn’t know fuck all about wine. She continued on causing him further discomfort:

“So do you lean more towards a merlot, a shiraz, a pinot noir…”

“Uhhh shiraz… definitely shiraz.”

She picked up a bottle from Italy, made sure he got a good look at it and said “how about this one? Is this a good shiraz?”

His artifiical confidence picked up as he said “Why yes actually, good choice… That would have been one of my recommendations.”

She looked at him and raised an eyebrow “Hmm. Really… That’s pretty interesting, because this is not a shiraz, it’s a merlot… The only thing you’re a connoisseur of my friend, is bullshit. I believe the beer is over there.” {she points}

He didn’t respond and stood there frozen and mortified. She smiled and winked at him, then turned and headed for the cash register, merlot in hand.


7 thoughts on “Full Bodied Bullshit

  1. Lovely story. I like how she called him on his “connoisseur-ness” and I wonder if he will try that one again to any other ladies… Maybe he did know what he was talking about but was struck speechless by her beauty. So his brain drained to his vein which made all the wines look the same.

  2. i guess theres no such thing as “Cover your ass” he should have went astray when he got owned and suggested “something to match your eyes”… its not about how much you know or dont know about wine, cause the whole wine conversation is bullshit.

    Dude should be more concerned with not sounding like a dumbass than impressing some hot chick with relatively useless knowledge. when you put it in context the wine = crap, and not sounding like a dumb ass = fishing out on wine, and getting laid.

  3. Well, you know I’m in a man-hating mode, so I’ll bite my tongue…mostly. Here’s a concept: Why couldn’t the stupid dumbass man just say, “Honestly, I don’t know shit about wine. I just wanted to talk to you.” Geesh.

  4. Why is it that men just don’t ever admit defeat and say they don’t know anything? Guys are retards. Instead of admitting they don’t know something and then learning about that which they don’t know they try and fake it and look like complete and utter morons in the process.

    Better to have people think you are a moron than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

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