His name was Alfredo; he had a persistent twitch in his left eye, a penchant for herbal medicines and essential oils, and a trunk full of KY Jelly. He lived in a dimly lit one bedroom bachelor apartment above an acupuncture clinic.

He was never the first one to strike up a conversation and usually waited for someone to approach him first. His eyes were most always looking down, or sideways out of the scratched dark lenses of his 2004 model Gucci glasses. His shirts were never ironed, his jeans dirty, and his hair purposefully messy which gave him that just-got-fucked-gonna-have-a-mental-breakdown quasi-sexy look.

One day on the bus, Alfredo was approached by an extremely hot and well put together guy who was obviously diggin’ his style.

“You ride this bus every morning?” he asked, looking to break the ice

“Well, I used to drive… But I got in a car accident and ruptured my spleen, so now I take the bus.”

“Spleen huh?! Ouch… That’s gotta hurt. I have noticed you on the bus a few times now. I was going to approach you one day, but you seemed distracted and upset about somethididn’tso I didn’t.”

“Oh… that was probably the day I had to go into work after having my Hemorrhoid surgery… The bus ride was particularly bumpy that day and my ass was sore!”

“I know how it feels to have a sore ass, I’ve had one once or twice mysef…” he laughed sheepishly and gave a wink

Alfredo shifted awkwardly in his seat, cleared his throat and leaned over to look down at his Brown & Yellow Pumas.

“So, you seeing anyone?”

“Well I was, but I had a stroke. Went into the hospital for 2 months… Just gained the use of my Left hand again and the whole Left side of my face. So he left me.”

“I see… Well, uhhh do you wanna grab a drink sometime?”

“Would love to! Although, I gotta be honest… When I drink it makes me flare up into blistering hives, and if they get bad, they have to be operated on. So I try to stay away from alcohol if I can.”

“Perhaps we can meet for coffee then…” he smiled

“Coffee makes me a little tweaked out… A little on edge… I get kind of sketchy when I drink coffee. I had to go in for tonsil surgery one time. I was hooked on coffee during this period and I was I the hospital for a week after the surgery recovering. They had me jacked on Morphine, but wouldn’t give me any coffee, so I quit, cold turkey.”

“Do you like Milkshakes?”

“Lactose Intolerant…”

Getting frustrated and slightly impatient… “How about Bubble Tea, have you ever had that?”

“Makes my ulcers flare up and I usually end up puking for a day afterwards… But I’d be willing to try…”

“Look, let’s not beat around the bush here… Do you wanna fuck?”

” Oh, Uhhh Yah… Sure!” Alfredo’s eyes widened as he looked up at the bronzed God before him.
He couldn’t believe his luck.


9 thoughts on “Hypochondriac

  1. That picture. I’m speechless.
    That story- lmao.
    YOUR NOVEL- find a publisher dammit! I want to read it!!!

  2. You were in the States and I missed it!!
    Crazy story, nothing short of the craziest should be expected from you. Keep it up. 😉

  3. killer diller…


    (sorry. felt that pain in the side of my temple again…think it’s an aneurysm…)


  4. Thats me! list of things not possible: meat, alcahol, coffee, orange juice (cause I just had my tonsils cut), smoky places, fish, fizzy drinks, junk food etc. but fucking, thats not a problem..

  5. Sorry Kaysea… Wasn’t in your neck of the woods, but when I am… Those bartenders better stock the fuck up!!!

    Thanks guys, I’m glad you liked this. I enjoy writing this type of stuff.

    Nick – Gotta start riding the bus, it’ll happen…

    LOL @ Schrmm!!!

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