Before you put your judge cloak on and start shaking yer head and givin’ me that look… Keep in mind that I am just being honest!
I have come to realize that, while I am really a nice girl most of the time, I do have a slight problem with my bitch levels on the road. I am an extremely aggressive driver, I have a speeding problem, and I swear like a sailor at pretty much everyone and anyone who gets in my way. I usually drive around 150 KMH on any given day on the highway (for you Americans, that’s around 93 mph). And I do this routinely wearing 3″ heels. If I get pulled over, I’m fucked… Unless I can flirt my way out of a ticket (which I have shamelessly done before). I’ll get in major shit for driving the way I do. I think I’m a safe driver for the most part but I am just a compulsive speeder, and I sometimes put my lipstick on while driving… Okay, fuck… Who am I kidding… I’m death on wheels.
I put together this list of things I said today on the road. This list is what made me realize “shit… I have a problem… I’m a total road rager”.
“Ohhh great… I get stuck behind this fucking lollygagging wanker… Way to drive like a pussy you fucking loser!”
“AWESOME, look who’s out on the road, it’s Grandma… Why do they let people like this drive?… Look lady, just because you’re ready for death doesn’t mean the rest of us want to die. Jesus… You need to be in my rearview… Far far away.”
“Nice car you fucking piece of shit… What makes you think you can keep up in the fast lane with that pathetic crusty old shitmobile. Fucking asshole. I’m losing you.”
“Oh you wanna fuck with me do ya? Alright… Let’s get it on bitch.”
“Ever heard of something called HANDSFREE asshole?”
“In your dreams fuckface!”
“Fuck You” (multiple times)
“You fucking whore”
“You suck buddy… Fuck!”
“I hope you like it up your ass because if you don’t move that’s where you’re gettin’ it”
“Holy fuck… Look, we have a domestic dispute on wheels… Either kick her ass outta the car or pick up this fight later dude… I’m not ready to die today.”
Soooo yeah… Those are a few of the things that came outta my mouth today. I guess because no one can hear me in the car, I feel like I can say whatever I want. I think I am going to try to maybe slow down a bit though… I can’t expect everyone to drive 40-50 km over the speed limit like I do. Also, I don’t want to be one of those people in a traffic jam that everyone laughs at because they’re pounding their fists on the steering wheel, shaking their head, and popping veins in their forehead. Usually I am pretty laid back in a traffic jam because there ain’t much I can do about it… I usually sing my ass off and do a little dancing. I always get these weird looks from people though, it’s like “what, you’ve never sang or danced in your car before?”
Going to wash out my mouth with soap now. Tomorrow I’m going to drive the speed limit (or maybe just 10 over) and I am going to sing the whole way to work so that I CAN’T swear at anybody.