I Think I Have a Problem

Before you put your judge cloak on and start shaking yer head and givin’ me that look… Keep in mind that I am just being honest!

I have come to realize that, while I am really a nice girl most of the time, I do have a slight problem with my bitch levels on the road. I am an extremely aggressive driver, I have a speeding problem, and I swear like a sailor at pretty much everyone and anyone who gets in my way. I usually drive around 150 KMH on any given day on the highway (for you Americans, that’s around 93 mph). And I do this routinely wearing 3″ heels. If I get pulled over, I’m fucked… Unless I can flirt my way out of a ticket (which I have shamelessly done before). I’ll get in major shit for driving the way I do. I think I’m a safe driver for the most part but I am just a compulsive speeder, and I sometimes put my lipstick on while driving… Okay, fuck… Who am I kidding… I’m death on wheels.

I put together this list of things I said today on the road. This list is what made me realize “shit… I have a problem… I’m a total road rager”.

Ohhh great… I get stuck behind this fucking lollygagging wanker… Way to drive like a pussy you fucking loser!”

“AWESOME, look who’s out on the road, it’s Grandma… Why do they let people like this drive?… Look lady, just because you’re ready for death doesn’t mean the rest of us want to die. Jesus… You need to be in my rearview… Far far away.”

“Nice car you fucking piece of shit… What makes you think you can keep up in the fast lane with that pathetic crusty old shitmobile. Fucking asshole. I’m losing you.”

“Oh you wanna fuck with me do ya? Alright… Let’s get it on bitch.”

“Ever heard of something called HANDSFREE asshole?”

“In your dreams fuckface!”

“Fuck You” (multiple times)

“You fucking whore”

“CUNT”

“You suck buddy… Fuck!”

“I hope you like it up your ass because if you don’t move that’s where you’re gettin’ it”

“Holy fuck… Look, we have a domestic dispute on wheels… Either kick her ass outta the car or pick up this fight later dude… I’m not ready to die today.”

Soooo yeah… Those are a few of the things that came outta my mouth today. I guess because no one can hear me in the car, I feel like I can say whatever I want. I think I am going to try to maybe slow down a bit though… I can’t expect everyone to drive 40-50 km over the speed limit like I do. Also, I don’t want to be one of those people in a traffic jam that everyone laughs at because they’re pounding their fists on the steering wheel, shaking their head, and popping veins in their forehead. Usually I am pretty laid back in a traffic jam because there ain’t much I can do about it… I usually sing my ass off and do a little dancing. I always get these weird looks from people though, it’s like “what, you’ve never sang or danced in your car before?”

Going to wash out my mouth with soap now. Tomorrow I’m going to drive the speed limit (or maybe just 10 over) and I am going to sing the whole way to work so that I CAN’T swear at anybody.

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16 thoughts on “I Think I Have a Problem

  1. OMG! LMAO…!!

    Are you sure you’re not from California? Or my long lost road rage twin?

    I thought Canadians were all polite, and you know, like to peacefully coexist and such.

    I guess not! 😛

  2. Get a motorcycle that way you can ride up the middle and blow them away.

    Seriously. I never get road rage unless some dickhead pulls out in front of me because their eyes are painted on.

    Nothing gets to me with regards to slow drivers because I can leave them in my dust any day of the week.

    That being said my bike is dead and so I have to drive and my job requires me to drive and I get mad because I hate all drivers except for me because I’m a great driver and can handle my car and they all eat poos.

  3. Too funny! Everyone in the Boston area drives a good 20 MPH (I have no idea how that translates into KWPH, sorry)over the speed limit here. Meaning I feel like a speed demon going 70 in a 55, but no I am passed like an ant in the slow lane here.

    Unless……

    Except when they do what I endearingly refer to as “gawk-assing”. Meaning even if a car is pulled over for a ticket/accident/flat tire, we must all come to a complete stop to gaze at said car for no reason whatsoever!!! The car is not blocking any lanes of traffic, the emergency vehicles are not blocking any lanes of traffic, but for some reason, EVERYONE must slow to 15 MPH and gawk ass at the auto and it’s occupants.

    I can say I had to enroll in the 12 step program when my baby-child mimicked, from their carseat, “What is wrong with you IDIOT, did you FIND your driver’s license on the road?”

  4. WIDYMD=#36657:FCG#; BSUID=1; FRQSTR=19029703x248188:1:10080|19029703|19029703|19029703|19029703; KID on said:

    i hate rubber neckers.

  5. It sounds like you are describing me! My daughter, 5, knows a slew of “bad” words thanks to me… I can control myself, well kinda, most of the time but put me in the car and the filthiest words imaginable can and will escape my mouth! Thank god she knows this and just does not repeat what she hears!

    Once, some guy did a bad maneuver and instead of swear at him like I normally would I did a subdued yell, trying hard to control myself at which point my daughter yelled out the Spanish equivalent of “Fucking asshole!”. She then looked at me and said, “isn’t that right?” wondering why I had missed my cue!

    I have tried quitting but fuckit, it keeps me sane in a world of idiot drivers!

  6. I always knew we spoke the same language! I think I said half your list the last time I was driving. LOL

  7. I feel the rage…… I spend an hour and a half commuting 12 miles to work and the same back again….. There are swearwords that arent even invented yet that come flying outta my mouth, I even drove up to a mans bumper a few days ago and pushed his car over the intersection with my jeep cos the wanker was jabbering away on his mobile and hadnt seen the lights change !! His face was a treat ! I gave him my insurance details and said OOps, I must have had a foot slippage from the fuckin wait pedal to the fuckin GO pedal !! He didnt stick around to get the rest of the blast.

  8. SeLiNa, you should be ashamed! your kids are going to start spouting that stuff soon if you keep it up.

    😉

  9. Oh, you just KNEW I was gonna comment on this post!

    Well, I have no room to talk as it sounds like I drive just like you and get angered on a daily basis to the same level you do.

    However, here’s where you’ll hate me: Pretty girls ALWAYS get tickets from me, especially when they try to flirt their way out of it. Why? Becasue they otherwise get whatever they want, and I don’t want to play into that.

    Mad at me? 😉

  10. Hahaha! That is so me!

    I honked and flipped off my co-worker on the road the other day. Didn’t realize it was a her until I passed her up yelling obsenities. Mid “what the fu..” I realized she had a familiar face. Oops.

  11. Glad i’m not the only psycho on the road… Sounds like you all have just as many anger issues as me! Don’t think that Canadians aren’t nice just because of my bad attitude on the road… I’m technically not a Canadian (although I live here) and people wouldn’t be too happy to have me representin’ when I can’t go five seconds in a car without saying the F word.

    Don’t worry Officer Friendly, i’m not mad. I don’t go around thinking i’m this awesome chick who can flirt her way out of anything… That’s not cool. I do know it’s not gonna work on everyone, that would be a bad thing if it did… But it does work occasionally and saves me a few dollars and some points. I only try it when I feel I have a chance, which I can usually tell.

  12. Hi SeLiNa.

    I was no stranger to the rage you speak of…but I have found that now that I listen to Howard Stern’s stations on satellite that I am able to take things in stride and I’m not in as much of a hurry anymore. I still exceed the speed limit (within reason) but if I notice someone’s in a real hurry, I usually just go in a slower lane and let them pass.

    It’s not worth killing or getting killed over…Plus, I could miss some Stern if I’m busy beating the hell out of some guy who cut me off…or even yelling at him…I think I’m the closest I’ve ever been to ‘at peace’ on the road these days…

    I hope all is well and that you’re managing alright with work, the spawnettes and all the other stuff that comes with adulthood.

    Take care, SeLiNa…and drive safely!

    Your Pal,

    Zambo.

  13. I do it to only I don’t drive a car, I cycle on a tiny 70’s fold up bike. Have you any idea how pathetic that looks? Despite the dick I make of myself by doing it I still can’t controle it…On good days I sing along to my ipod in a really loud voice. I say keep at it, fuck em, you dont want to spend a fortune on kick boxing when you can just drive to get your agression out dou you?

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