Suckin’ on the Silver Pillow

In case you haven’t noticed, I do enjoy the occasional glass of wine {understatement of the year}, but one thing I can’t stand to drink is Bag-in-a-Box wine… El cheapo extraordinairre… If it tastes like paint thinner then you’ve found a good one! Despite the fact that it is thin, tastes like hell, and doesn’t exactly pour as elegantly as a nice reserve bottle of sauvignon blanc… There are some advantages to drinking this shite.

Once you get past the worst part (drinking the entire air-tight Mylar bag of grape glut swill, which is the equivalent of just less than 7-750 ml bottles of wine) you come to the treasure… The creme de la creme… THE BAG!! Yes, you heard me… The bag, often overlooked and chucked in the garbage with your empty Mr. Noodle wrappers and Kraft Dinner boxes.

There are some extraordinary things that you can do with these bags. The next time you’re shopping for wine in your local Try’n’Save, don’t overlook these 7 dollar boxed wonders and consider the following:

Get Drunk & Pass Out: That’s right kids, no more crawling your cheap drunk ass up the stairs and into your bed. Simply remove the Mylar bag from the box and inflate. Be careful not to blow too hard as you may get light headed and faint. Blow that bitch up and rest your drunken head on the silver pillow. Nighty night!

Revenge: Someone sniping your boxed wine at a party? Simply fill the (empty) wine bag with lighter fluid and lock on to your target. Make sure you have your lighter in hand. Candle lighters work best because they are long and keep your hand away from the flame. When you see the prick who sniped your wine, FIRE the lighter fluid out of the spout and torch the bastard!! See if he fucks with your plonk again!

Balance Coordination: Too drunk to drive and afraid you’ll fail if asked to walk a straight line by a cop who pulls you over? No problem, simply remove the Mylar bag and blow up your silver pillow. Stand on the pillow (don’t worry it’s strong enough) and try to maintain your balance. It may take some practice, but by the time you leave, you’ll be a pro and will be able to fool even the most observant of coppers. The best thing about this is that you’ll have your pillow all blown up for when you get home! Can’t get much better than that!

As you can see, there’s something to be said for suckin’ on the silver pillow!

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13 thoughts on “Suckin’ on the Silver Pillow

  1. heehee, too funny. I HATE wine in a box. The worst is when someone shows up at your house for a dinner party, and that’s what they bring. Embarrassing!

    Loved your cheer, by the way.

    -B

  2. I wonder if I am gonna get in trouble for this one… or sued by some frat boy who trys my little revenge trick and burns his fucking face… let’s hope not! But if anyone does try it… I want video!!!

    If someone brings a bag-in-a-box wine to my party, I usually just use it to spike the non-alcoholic punch (you can barely tell) then the fun begins as the AA on-the-wagoners suddenly start having one hell of a time and end up naked on my coffee table covered in whipped cream screaming “I AM A GOLDEN GOD”!

    Rev – coming from you, i’m flattered! Truly!

  3. Wow! If I had thought of that, I would not have had to sleep on a trash bag that night. I could have had a nice pillow 😉

  4. Brilliant, absolutely brilliant!!
    Don’t forget they make great stocking stuffers for your little granny who needs a booster seat to see over the steering wheel on her Sunday jaunts.

  5. ha ha… you guys are too funny!! i will try to come up with equally informative posts moving forward, i promise.

    thanks for visiting left of center!! you’re site is pretty slick too.

  6. You have too much time on your hands. But then without your useful tips I would have nothing to do with a box o’ wine. Oh, guess what?

  7. The silver pillow rocks.

    It’s even better when you fill it with water because then you’re sleeping on a water pillow and you get a better night’s sleep. Oh course it screws your head when you’re smashed.

    The helium idea is a great one as well. I’ve now got an idea for our aircraft for the local FlugTag event here in Wellington for next year. A bit too late for this year.

    I wonder how many ocases of this stuff I can drink in a year.

    Hey, I’ve just found my New Year’s resolution.

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