Dear Santa

Dear Santa;
I don’t know if you remember me or not… it’s been a while. I have been on your naughty list for a long time. I have decided that being naughty sucks at Christmas and I want some goddamn gifts!!! This year I have been a good girl… okay maybe not a “good girl” but I haven’t been AS naughty!

The fact that I am trying here… reaching out like this, should warrant me getting some fucking gifts or at least a stocking stuffer!

I realize that you and I have had our differences in the past, but I would like to make peace with you Santa. You have the power, and the gifts, and I have the greed! We need each other.

This year you’ll find a 40 of Bacardi Gold on the side table for you. Hopefully that will help you to forgive me for giving your reindeer laxatives that one year. See, i’m confessing… that’s a good thing right?!

Tell Mrs. Claus that I am sorry for the lipstick on the collar thing too… I was just sticking up for my sister because I thought you were calling her a hoe, that’s all.

See you on Christmas Eve (I hope).

Sincerely,
The naughtiest of the naughty,
Selina J

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10 thoughts on “Dear Santa

  1. Dear Salina;
    what am i, your priest? i don’t forgive anybody. i’m nondeonominational. you and me, we had a good thing, baby, but you got too close too quick. i caught holy hell for that lipstick, too. the missus threatened to cut me off from all that fried reindeer. (i gotta do somethin’ with the ones that just can’t hoof it anymore. go ahead, call peta on me, see if if i care. i’m santa. they don’t even believe in me. anyway. thanks for the Bacardi. my sponsor will be out of town christmas eve, so that should work out just fine…will you be wearing that victoria’s secret thingy with the trap door this year?
    well, gotta go. rudolph and blitzen have “issues.” don’t ask…god, i hate my fucking job…

    Love,
    Santy

  2. Ha ha ha!!! Santa, who knew you were such a bad ass?!

    I’m glad that you’re not into the whole forgiveness thing… I’m not big on asking for it.

    PS – I would love a taste of that fried reindeer you speak of!

  3. Whoa! You must really want that iBook. My intuition tells me that you have been less than “nice” most of the year but now that Madi died…you have make up for your nautiness šŸ˜‰ Don’t worry, after seeing the movie Bad Santa, I think a 40 of Rum will do the trick for him.

  4. HA HA HA HA!!

    One time I set up a tripwire to catch Santa. I tied it to the post on the stairs and the tree. Never guess what happened? I just thought the tree was more secure. My brother got busted for it because I was deemed not old enough to accomplish such an elaborate plan (think Stewie Griffin).

  5. i have bad news for you. back in august there was a major ruckus in my chimney. when the dust cleared, there was a huge bag of presents, a santa suit, and a bunch of bones in my fireplace. too many cookies and eggnog got the girth a little too wide. sorry lady.

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