I don’t know if you remember me or not… it’s been a while. I have been on your naughty list for a long time. I have decided that being naughty sucks at Christmas and I want some goddamn gifts!!! This year I have been a good girl… okay maybe not a “good girl” but I haven’t been AS naughty!
The fact that I am trying here… reaching out like this, should warrant me getting some fucking gifts or at least a stocking stuffer!
I realize that you and I have had our differences in the past, but I would like to make peace with you Santa. You have the power, and the gifts, and I have the greed! We need each other.
This year you’ll find a 40 of Bacardi Gold on the side table for you. Hopefully that will help you to forgive me for giving your reindeer laxatives that one year. See, i’m confessing… that’s a good thing right?!
Tell Mrs. Claus that I am sorry for the lipstick on the collar thing too… I was just sticking up for my sister because I thought you were calling her a hoe, that’s all.
See you on Christmas Eve (I hope).
The naughtiest of the naughty,