Please Stand By

This may come as a shock to some of you, but I am not leading the way with digital technology, I am not sitting at a computer with all the bells & whistles, and I do not only have to wait for one minute for my computer to start up (that’s of course when it did start up).

This weekend something horrible happened. It’s been happening for the last 3 or 4 years, slowly… But today it finally ended. The relationship… Between my Compaq Armada E500 and I.

*Sigh* It’s been a good little computer though, I must say. I’ve had it for 6 years!! It was a company-issued one that I got to keep. Since that one, there have been many others. But since I have been home with the girlies I have been forced to re-connect with my Armada because companies don’t just let you keep your laptop when you will be off on a long non-work related absence! I guess they would rather I only use it for work and not blogging and surfing for porn.

Just to give you an idea of how bad things were before my Madi left me, I will detail some of the many problems it had.

Firstly; It would take about 3 minutes to start up and the thing is practically the size of a VCR!! The hard-drive was replaced because I was getting a Blue screen several times a day and having to re-boot all the time. New hard drive, good to go right?! Uh, no… Total hard drive space = 4 GB, Total free hard drive space AFTER Selina loads it to the tits with all of her (standard but crazy) creative programs = 200 MB!!! So that’s when it started getting bad. It was already bad, but it was just too old to do what I was asking and that was the turning point. The screen resolution wouldn’t even go higher than 800 x 600… I couldn’t even run XP on it!! That’s hurting!! I constantly had to delete photos and graphics that I liked but weren’t award winning, I would have to delete MP3s that I hadn’t listened to in a while…. I deleted anything & everything to try to get more space!! The joke is that my new Pink iPod Mini has more memory than my poor little Madi ever did.

So Blue Screen and memory jokes aside, I would turn the thing on and one day I started getting this weird crackling noise every time I opened or closed the screen! Even when the volume was turned all the way down, the crackling noise would be there… And then it just started crackling at random times. Ghetto right?! Well it doesn’t stop there, there’s more! Eventually my screen became so loose from over use (hey that rhymed) that it would flop forwards or flop backwards if not sitting at a precise angle. One slight move of my knee or a sudden movement and *WHAM*, the screen comes crashing down on my knuckles!! It started to get really annoying, flopping forwards and backwards, how was I supposed to get anything done?! So me being the resourceful kat that I am grabbed a book end and started using that to keep my screen propped up. Crafty huh?! Problem solved!

So that was that! Then… I would be working in Photoshop creating some magic and I’d go to save my masterpiece and would get “cannot save – scratch disks are full” messages! I’d have to go and rape my computer files deleting more stuff that I didn’t really want to delete but had to!! Pretty much every time I would try to do something the computer would tell me “cannot do this… Cannot do that”! Seriously, I was waiting to get an error message that started “Look Bitch…”

Lately I’ve been having power issues. The internal power cord jack thingee (not the cord itself) is all messed up and doesn’t keep the cord secured properly, so the computer goes into battery mode and then drains the power (which the battery barely had any of to begin with) and shuts down. Well the past few days it’s been bad. Tonight Madi wouldn’t respond. I had one successful session with him earlier but had to hold the cord with one hand and type with the other, then he shut down! There is no battery power to boot with and it will no longer turn on with the cord in place either.

Madi is gone. I am so sad. I am literally powerless!!

If anyone from Compaq happens to be reading this, can you help a sister out? Is there a lifetime achievement award that you can offer me for keeping Madi alive so long and for being able to get ANYTHING done on a computer that became the equivalent of a $5 crack whore.

I have no computer!! I feel lost… All of my blog posts will likely be between the hours of 12am and 3am until I get a new computer or go back to work (whichever comes first).

If you know anyone that has or had a computer more hurting than me… I’d like to hear about it.


8 thoughts on “Please Stand By

  1. What horrible news. I think it’s time to get a MAC 😉

    I will pray to the PC gods for a miracle but conisdering how much I bad mouth Microsoft, I will probably get stuck by lightning or turned into a pillar of salt…Old Testemanet Style.

  2. I am so terribly sorry to hear about your loss. I am impressed you kept on trying. You were with Madi to the very bitter end.

    My mother bought a computer when I was 16 years old, also a Compaq. The thing is NINE yrs old and it is still running. You have to go through windows explorer to open programs. If you click on an icon on the desktop (It has icons on every free pixel of the desktop) the computer will perform a fatal error and crash. It has tons of viruses from the late 90s which are dormant. Half the special features don’t work, and the fan makes a very loud noise when it runs.

    P.S. Did you lose you novel?

  3. Oh No! I sure hope you aren’t away from us too long and as far as your novel goes, if it was on there shouldn’t be a problem in taking it off unless it was the hard drive that died. Doesn’t sound like it though. I have to give you the highest admiration for struggling through the types of problems you list. I’d of thrown it against the wall a long time ago. No patience here!

  4. Thanks guys! I think it is indeed time for a Mac for me… I feel so weird during the day now though without a computer I sometimes get cold sweats and pace in my living room… I end up doing lame stuff like housework!

    At least I can use Joe’s computer though. I’d be really annoyed if I had no computer.

    Nothing happened to my hard drive so my novel should be fine. I also emailed it to myself (although not the latest revision). I am going to get a battery for it so that I can grab all of my stuff off.

  5. Well, the news is sad, but being a techie and the way you tell it, I almost wet myself. You should take this on stage, it’d be a fine piece of stand-up comedy!


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