I normally like to post Church Signs are Fun volumes on a Sunday if I can, since it is the holy day! I like to pay homage to the church in my own special way. Today is Monday though, so I guess that would make today the 2nd holiest day right?! Or would it be Saturday?… No can’t be Saturday… Saturday’s are surely for sinners… Like me! I often sin on a Saturday. Definitely Monday, people don’t sin as much on Mondays!
Yeah, that’s kind of what keeps me out of your church! I guess it’s better that you scare off satan’s slaves with that brutally honest sign, rather than tricking them into thinking that you’re all about freedom of expression, love, and liberty. This way, you’ll attract the best type of church folk, you know, the cloakers… the followers… the yes men… the culters… the bend overs. All of the people that could not make it through life without your boring ass sermons to guide them throughout their pathetic existence! Because let’s face it, life is all about conformity… isn’t it?!
Well Bob, like most people… God is my last resort! I’m not afraid to admit it, the only time I turn to God is if I feel like i’m gonna fucking die from a horrible cold (“please God, let me feel less shitty tomorrow”) or if I really really want to win the lottery, because then I can get all of those casino’s and drug dealers I owe money to off of my back. Sometimes I will turn to God if I really want that Sheepskin jacket I saw to go on sale, or if I want to land that promotion at work. The thing that sucks though, is that my last resort is pretty kife! Usually your last resort is something that you’d rather not have to “resort” to, but you do because you know it will work. Yeah well how come that isn’t the case with God?! He never works… Either he’s fucking deaf, or i’m just stupid! Why don’t I have my sheepskin jacket damn it??!
Actually God’s credit rating isn’t so good with me… He’s an R9. When I type in his credit information to pull up his credit report my machine starts smoking and shaking violently! He even had trouble getting approved for a cell phone contract! Luckily Mary co-signed for him. If it wasn’t for her, he’d be fucked! The reality is, when we give God the cash, he goes and spends it on hookers, drugs, and booze anyway, so we are actually enabling him! Better to not give him the cash and keep it for yourself. Give God a smile instead… Smiles are FREE!
Like this evil shit? Check out my previous Volumes!