Cricket… And What “Could Have” Been

I’m the first one to admit when i’m wrong, and well… I was wrong! I thought Cricket was dead… I assumed that because she had no batteries, or a tape, had been stripped naked, stained, and hair that had “crack-whore” written all over it, that she had expired. Boy was I wrong. She’s alive and well and still thinkin’ about me after all these years (I guess we are both guilty of that).

Cricket may be from the 80’s, but she’s no stranger to the internet… She found me, online… Right here!!! Not only that but SHE THREATENED ME… ON MY OWN BLOG!!! I can’t blame her for thinking that i’m the same sweet innocent girl I once was though, she hasn’t seen me in years, so she really has no idea how twisted and sick I am these days.

Cricket and I had an exchange of threats, and her (being the smart doll that she is) surrendered, saving herself from a fiery shitty trainwreck of a death. We now have a cease-fire agreement.

I have posted our dialogue below… Enjoy! Oh, and the original Cricket post can be read here.

Cricket said…
BITCH I told you I’m coming for you and I mean it. You think I died in the 80’s like my batteries but you are mistaken. I am merely resting and plotting my revenge so when I make my attack you won’t see me coming. Keep sleeping with one eye open bitch.

Lingo Slinger said…
Ha ha ha!! Sorry Cricket, I may have been afraid of you in the 80’s (in my youth), but i’m much bigger and more jaded now. I am an evil mother fucker, probably much more so than you!So bring it on bitch. I’ll rip that tattered looking rat’s nest of a hair-do out of your fucking skull and smash you to little pieces on the concrete.

Then… I will get a Great Dane to come and take a big nasty dump on your broken ass, pour some gasoline on you and watch you burn in dog shit! In fact, I look forward to it!!! It will be great, I promise not to dissapoint! You fucking annoying has-been!! Ha ha ha!!!

cricket said…
I know you are still afraid of me little girl because I can smell your fear. You can TRY to burn me, but I will be back and I will get you, even if it is the last thing that I do, I will get you!!

{Que the horror music now}

Lingo Slinger said…
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!! Oh poor Cricket… She who stands only 25″ tall. Your empty pathetic 80’s style fear tactics do nothing but make me laugh hysterically. You are fucking with the grim reaper here… I go to bed with the devil each night!

(Que the Godfather music)

Let’s be friends… We’ll do things together… We’ll have a great old time!

You’re in MY WORLD NOW Bitch!!

I’ll take that tape out of your back and replace it with another. I’ll force you to listen to Hanson (Mmm Bop) continuously while you’re tied to the railroad tracks in a pool of Great Dane shit while your body is burning! Then in the grand finale, a train will come speeding towards you, sending what remains of your broke-ass body into itty bitty Cricket pieces!

And if that’s not enough, I’ll call up my pal Chucky, his bride and their new evil child to come and torture you further! They’d love that!! They hate you! Chucky will piss on you and fuck your dead corpse (not necessarily in that order)! He loves that kind of shit! Yeah, you’ll make his day. His bride will get off on watching it too… He might even let his kid in on the action.

Hey – since you’re probably broke and living on welfare because nobody wants your trife ass, I will personally offer to pay for your plane ticket. I will do this, just because I would get personal satisfaction out of seeing your face melt in burning dog shit and gasoline. You’ll have to ride with the pets in the bottom of the plane though, sorry, I’d be too afraid that somebody else (who hates you, as many do) would get to you first.

Shall I book you a ticket?

cricket said…
{waves a white flag}
Ok I surrender- you win!! No need to bring the Chucky family into all this- it was between me and you- but now I can see that I am no match for you- you are NOT a little girl anymore and my powers of terror are useless with a grown up like you. Just wait until your twins get a little older.


Lingo Slinger said…
Surrender accepted! I will cancel the hit!

I gotta say, you’re smarter than I thought Cricket!!

FYI – My twins will be a force to be reckoned with when they are older. Think: Adorable Pigtailed JuJitsu gymnasts who bat their eyelashes then strike their enemy down with a ninja star at a speed faster than sound. I fear for anyone who is on the receiving end of their wrath!


2 thoughts on “Cricket… And What “Could Have” Been

  1. HAHAHAHA!! This is all too funny- Nice picture of Cricket, Flames, and Dog Poo. LOL. Cricket is a crazy B*$@#! for thinking she could take you on. She must be smoking crack.

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