Okay so maybe it was yesterday’s post, or perhaps the time released chemicals laced in their food, that made me crave McDonalds yesterday. Whatever it was, I was jonesing for some Mickey Dees… So off I went (at 9:30 at night I might add) to hit the golden arches drive thru, which is conveniently located at the nearest intersection to my home, and also conveniently nestled in between two public schools (imagine that?!).
It was an Ice Cream Sundae that I was really craving, so I ordered one for me (Caramel) and a Hot Fudge one for my other half. They were having a special – 2 Sundaes for $2.22. I looked down into my coin-filled hand and saw that I had $7.75 (yes in change… stupid fucking Canadian coins)! I decided to order some McNuggets too, I thought that might be a nice segway into the Sundae. It came to 6 something and I grabbed my bag (like a crack junkie grabs his stash) and sped out of the drive-thru to head home. That familiarly evil mc-death smell filled the car and made me twitch with excitement.
Got home and busted out the nuggets. 3 for me, 3 for Joe. As I was savouring the taste of these deep-fried, golden battered little morsels of death I couldn’t help but notice the bag that they came in. It said “White Meat”…. I know that the McNuggets had recently undergone an Extreme Makeover but it begged to question “WHAT THE FUCK WAS I EATING BEFORE?”. What was it like back-fat from the handicapped chickens or something?! They do taste much nicer than before, but I was trying to calculate how many times I had eaten the nuggets in their pre-White days to figure out how much Chicken back-fat I had consumed… Oh well, too much math for me. I’ll just try to not think about it.
After eating my 3 nuggets I felt pretty damn good… Like I could climb Mount Everest, or run a Marathon… or even compete in a Triathalon. I had the McHigh!! And ba-da-da-da-da I WAS LOVING IT!!! I then grabbed my Caramel Sundae from the freezer and sat on the couch (so much for the marathon) and started to eat that. I immediately noticed a change in texture with the caramel… It wasn’t that same smooth silky teeth-rotting caramel that I remembered. No, this was a grainy, “who put the sand in the Sundae” type texture that didn’t quite have the same appeal. I was skeptical but continued to eat it anyway… About half-way through I started feeling a little sick. Was it the new caramel? Was it the nuggets? I don’t know, but I wasn’t gonna make it through this Sundae.
I felt awfully sick and kinda lethargic too. I finished most (but not all) of my Sundae. What happened to my McHigh? Where did it go? Why did I feel so fucking low? This is why I say that the addictive chemicals that are put into McDonalds food are time released! After you scarf down a Big Mac & some fries (or in my case 3 nuggets and a Sundae) you don’t feel like running back to Mickey Dees to get more… No, it will creep up on you when you least expect it. Could be next week, or the week after, no one knows! But be prepared!!! The McGut is awful and the comedown is harsh! You feel like you could shit your intestines out!!
Oh and what the fuck is with the chick on the McNugget bag with the umbrella? What, is it raining McNuggets where she lives? Or perhaps, the rain makes her want to go and order some McNuggets? It’s fucking stupid… doesn’t make any sense whatsoever! As a marketing professional, I question these things!
Wow, I just spent 6 paragraphs talking about McDonalds…. Weird! Perhaps even weirder is the fact that you read the whole thing.