A couple of years ago I sent a letter to the Humpty Dumpty Potato Chip Company expressing my great concern for Humpty’s declining health. I never did hear back from them (I guess they were just too busy trying to keep Humpty out of the crack houses to respond), but I recently noticed that Humpty is looking a lot better these days. I (unfortunately) didn’t keep a copy of the letter, but I am going to attempt to recreate it for you:
Dear Humpty Dumpty Potato Chip Co.
I am a concerned customer who enjoys your potato chips on occasion, however the recent downturn in Humpty’s health has made me quite suspicious of your potato chips and afraid to eat them. Humpty looks extremely pale and looks as if he might be dying. Will this happen to me if I eat your potato chips? I noticed that he has dark circles under his eyes, which leads me to believe that he may be abusing heavy drugs and alcohol. He definitely looks stoned in the picture he posed for on the chip bag. Believe me, I know how to spot a stoner when I see one! Has he gained a little weight too? He’s looking pretty dumpy these days. A diet of hard liquor, crack cocaine, pot, and potato chips can’t be all that healthy. Perhaps the alcohol and drugs are also to be blamed for that ‘I’m going to diddle your 5 year old boy” look he has on his face. I don’t trust him… He looks like a child molestor. So I guess it’s true, Humpty sure did “have a great fall”… to rock bottom. He doesn’t look healthy enough to be endorsing your potato chips! He basically says “Eat Humpty Dumpty Potato Chips so you can look stoned, drunk, sick, fat and pale like me”. I don’t think that is a really great message to be sending out to your loyal chip-eating customers. Please get him to the nearest hospital (and then to the nearest Betty Ford Clinic) so that I can feel comfortable and resume eating your chips again… Otherwise I may be forced to eat Sun Chips!
Concerned Humpty Eater
I don’t know when it was that they rehabilitated Humpty, but he is looking trimmer, happier and healthier now. He’s even sporting some new threads. I am still skeptical as to whether he’s clean or not though because he still looks like he just did a round of keg stands. At least he looks like he still has a few years left in him before he croaks though… so that’s good. I don’t know if my letter had any impact on the decision to get Humpty back to health or not, but perhaps there were other concerned chip-eaters who also expressed their concern like I did. In any case, I am happy that they were able to put humpty together again.