There’s been an epidemic of shark attacks lately… It seems I can’t turn on the TV without hearing a horror story about a poor surfer whose torso was found floating around in the ocean. Okay so maybe I’m exaggerating “a little bit”… but there have been one or two attacks!
Why do these morons take the risk?! Surfing is cool, but not at the expense of your torso or your head! The only way I would surf is if it was in a non-shark populated area that had giant lasers scanning the water continuously on the odd chance that a dumb-ass shark did try to eat me. Then the lasers would fire into the shark, rendering it helpless, at which point a tranquilizer dart is then shot into the giant fish’s jugular while I doggie paddle away and laugh hysterically. Finally the tranquilizer dart would be followed-up with a huge net that would be cast over the shark, which inhumanely drags the buzz killing human-eater out to sea.
I would love to surf though, really… I just don’t want to die! That’s why I snowboard instead, I can only hurt my tailbone or my ass when I snowboard, and that is easily remedied by drinking excessively before hitting the slopes! Wakeboarding is another board sport that is safer than surfing… same deal only a boat will come and pick your ass up before sharky gets his teeth into your uber-expensive Body Glove wetsuit (which houses your precious guts). Then you and your friends throw beer bottles at the shark making the toothy fish angrier and more frustrated as you laugh intensely and take off in your super-fast boat!
Did I mention that I hate sharks?!