Bar Flies… 5 Common Species

It’s Saturday night, you call up the crew and hit the downtown core ready to get as wasted as a mother-fucker! There are all sorts of bar flies frequenting the club and/or bars you go to. Perhaps you have a friend who is one of these common species… Maybe even YOU!

The Rage-Aholic

Every bar has one or two of these. This is the guy that drinks Rye all night, hangs by the bar with his wingman and hits on every pair of tits in the joint. Women are repulsed by him finding him overly aggressive and way too full of himself. He truly believes that he is tha shit, when in reality he just smells like shit! With every drink and subsequent rejection this dude gets angrier and angrier until he eventually explodes in a fiery drunken rage on some poor unsuspecting bar patron who accidentally bumped his shoulder trying to get to last call. The Rage-Aholic usually get his sorry-ass thrown outside by the bouncers by the end of the evening and can be found outside the front door in a puddle of his own puke!

The Zinfandel Trailer Whore

You know her. She’s the one who thinks she’s being a classy wine connoisseur by drinking White Zinfandel. WRONG!! Zinfandel is basically like drinking a cooler; it’s not even a real wine. Classy broads do NOT drink Zinfandel; they drink a nice Chardonnay, Sauvignon Blanc, or a Merlot. The Zinfandel Trailer Whore is very flirtatious by nature but (until drunk) acts like she actually has an ounce of class (keyword being “ACTS”). When drunk though, she turns into a total whore with no standards. This bitch is the definition of Scantily Clad and after only a few glasses of Zinfandel she can often be found getting a Dirty Sanchez in the boiler room of the club!

The Cluster Cunts

These are the girls at the bar that just can’t do anything by themselves! They don’t have an independent bone in their body (unless of course it’s else’sne elses bone). These chicks go to the washroom together, stand up and do karaoke together, and grind together on the dance floor (they can’t dance, they only know how to grind and only do so when smashed). They think that rubbing up against one another is going to attract male attention, but really the guys just laugh and think they’re a bunch of diesel dike whores who would be a quick & dirty shag. Prior to getting drunk they are stiff and lifeless wallflowers that only stare at the talent on the dance floor wishing they could dance. Suddenly after several cocktails they get this false sense of confidence and think that they are sexier than shit. These gals are usually pigs and only get picked up when the frat-boys are having Pig Night.

The Great White Train Wreck

This is the dude that gives White boys a bad name on the dance floor. He seems quite normal to talk to, perhaps even has a witty personality, dresses nice and treats the ladies with respect. But it all goes horribly wrong after a few pints when he hits the dance floor and makes a complete dickhead out of himself. He has NO RHYTHM whatsoever; he is a total fucking train wreck! Think Elaine on Seinfeld only worse. The girls on the dance floor laugh hysterically at him, he thinks that they’re flirting and being friendly but really they’re just laughing at what a huge wanker he is. The Great White Train Wreck usually embarrasses all who accompany him; he even gets ditched on occasion for cramping his friends style. He will only get laid if he doesn’t dance!

The Dumped Downer

You can guaran-fuckin-tee that as soon as your fun begins The Dumped Downer will ruin it. This friend is the poor-me emotional wreck who got their ass dumped by their ex and needs therapy more than they need a drink. After a few drinks they start to get depressed and agonize over the break-up dragging all of their fun-having friends down with them into the depths of despair. They can sometimes be found sobbing in the bathroom stall, or slumped over on the bar. This loser is a total fucking depresso who sucks to be around, everybody hates drinking with this person. You don’t even really know why you’re still friends with him/her, possibly out of sympathy. This person sucks ass and needs to learn how to have a good time and stop being such a pathetic excuse for a partier. By the time the night ends you feel emotionally drained and kinda depressed yourself just from hanging out with this person. You wish they would just slit their wrists and get it over with already!

Be Careful Out There!


3 thoughts on “Bar Flies… 5 Common Species

  1. Wow, you’re right! You do have strong opinions. I loved the profiles on bar creatures. I don’t know where I would fit. The tall guy playing pool, kicking everyone’s ass and gettin’ hammered until it’s almost last call then telling some hapless drunken twat that I give great massages – sound like a weiner? oh , I mean winner.

  2. Oh… so you’re the Pulsating Pool Pig! The guy that stands around the ladies washroom (where the pool tables just happen to be) hoping that one of the chicks with camel toe will fall for your massage trick! Very crafty! 😉

    A weiner for sure! I mean winner!

    Cheers! Thanks for reading! 😀

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