Lingo Slinger

For my 500th post, I’m gonna tell you some intimate and potentially embarrassing secrets about myself… Okay, maybe not totally intimate, but personal stuff none the less. And not anything too embarrassing… I mean, why would I write a post and do nothing but make fun of myself. That would just be stupid. Soooo yeah…

I can never eat a meal that is room temperature, luke, or stone fucking cold. If it ain’t hot, I ain’t eating it! Same goes for coffee, tea and any other hot beverage. There’s a reason why you serve it hot. And if it’s supposed to be cold, guess what?! I don’t want it tepid, warm, or in a sweaty glass.

When the weekend hits its time for Lingo to drink, and when I drink I like to smoke, and when I smoke I have to drink. Literally… I cannot smoke without a drink in hand for me to take sips from. I don’t like going for a smoke on it’s own with no drink to wash it down with.

When I am reading my daughters a bedtime story I go ape shit if they start not listening, interrupting, or checking out of the story. I don’t have to put on all these ridiculous fucking voices and act out every scene with the vigor of a broadway actress… But I do, because I like books, and I want them to fucking like books! So not reading, is not an option… And if they’re not gonna listen, then the book will be launched at the bookshelf and I will exit the room promptly.

I bought a huge honkin’, gas guzzling, pig of an SUV ON PURPOSE…. Because I had an accident on the highway in a MINI Cooper and suddenly felt tiny and vulnerable. My SUV gave me a sense of superiority on the road for a while, but now that I am comfortable driving again it makes me sick. I feel like slashing my own tires and writing “gas pig” on the back window in spray paint… but then, I guess no one would wanna buy it.

Many of my stories involve therapy and psychology type stuff because I happen to know a lot about that world. I go to therapy regularly and have had the same therapist for a year and a half. I’ve also been on a ton of meds (diagnosed with BiPolar disorder) but am no longer taking anything and am managing just fine on my own. Many brilliant minds suffer from madness and mental trauma. Truth be told, my BPD is not all that bad. Sure I’ve had some scary manic moments and some horrendous depressive states, but more often than not, I am just really FUN and SPONTANEOUS when I’m manic, and I just ignore the world for a few days when I’m depressive. I can deal with that.

I just got a new tattoo on Friday, so this has been on my mind. For 12 years (since getting my first tattoo) my mom has been telling me that tattoos are “just a fad” and that I’ll outgrow them and come to resent them all… Even though I haven’t stopped getting them and have never regretted a single one. Even the one I have near my pelvic area, that since having kids, has now been transformed from a small Welsh dragon, to a giant Red barbapapa! The reality is… I am going to be covered. When I am 60, I will probably have 60 tattoos! I will take my girls to get their first tattoo and get one with them!!! I will take my grandkids to get their first tattoo and again… Get one with them! I fucking love body art and I don’t care if that makes me a crazy bitch when I’m in my golden years! It’s more uncommon to NOT have a tattoo these days anyway. My body art is the story of my life, and that story doesn’t end until my life ends.

I host slam poetry events even though I am far from a slam poet. Sure I perform poetry and read my stuff to an audience sometimes, but I am not comfortable doing it and feel nervous every single time. I am only comfortable here, alone, with my computer and my words glowing back at me while a cursor flashes. I’m a writer, not a performer… My words are meant to be read and digested in your own voice. I don’t want to give that voice to you. I am very social online, but sometimes socially retarded in person. I get flustered and weird, and just generally awkward if all of the stars and planets aren’t in perfect alignment for me. People often think I’m weird… And, well, they’re not wrong. That’s why my license plate says “Quirky1″

The TV angers me. If I’m in the house and there’s two TV’s on and nobody watching either one, I will snap. I have to shut them off in about fifteen seconds before I experience total meltdown. The noise and chaos of the TV is incredibly annoying and something that I just hate. My parents used to have the TV on during dinner and it would be so loud and annoying. Nobody would talk because they’d be too busy watching the news, or Wheel of Fortune, or sometimes Jeopardy if it was a late dinner. Think about the act of watching television… I mean you’re sitting there staring at a box instead of talking to your loved one, going outside, or experiencing something different! I’d be perfectly happy without a TV at all. I really don’t watch a lot of TV, and if I do, it’s usually a movie or something that’s On Demand.

I love Japanese Kawaii culture peppered with punk & ska. Tank Girl is one of my comic book idols. I sometimes dress like a comic book character or a post-apocalyptic punk princess. I am not sure I’ll ever really look like “a mom”… Even though I am a mom to two girls. I’m sure that the PTA is going to love me when they meet me in September. I don’t have an Ash blonde helmet, my girls aren’t in soccer, and I don’t drink coffee at the park while gossiping about all the other moms in the hood. And I call myself a mom!

And finally… I’m scared of being normal. Meaning, I never wanna get lame, boring, or settle into a mainstream routine and become a robotic product of society.