Lingo Slinger

The setting sun cast a warm glow in through the bathroom window of his 3rd story apartment. He stared at himself long and hard in the mirror while a flurry of thoughts and emotions ran rampant through his mind. Movies of past memories; girlfriends who whispered “I love you” in his ear only to leave him the following month, making love to the one he thought he would marry, spending a week in paradise with the girl who made him feel like the luckiest man in the world… all of these memories now painful.

The dating game was getting tiresome. Women were bitchy, cold and many emotionally unavailable. He had convinced himself that being alone was something that he would just have to get used to. Dinners for one, vacations alone, guided tours, and an efficient version of sexual satisfaction… his familiar right hand.

He wasn’t unattractive, didn’t have a drug or gambling addiction, wasn’t severely in debt, or fashionably challenged… He was just… a guy. Nothing unusual, nothing out of the ordinary… but nothing spectacular either. This lack of uniqueness made it almost impossible for him to stand out in the dating scene. What would a woman be interested in? His 8:30 – 5 o’clock job at the call centre, his 7pm – 9pm nightly television routine, his silver 4 door sedan? He had just become extremely boring.

He was even bored with himself.

He flushed his face with cold water and swung the bathroom door open, with purpose. “THAT’S IT” he shouted. “I hate who I am… I’m going to change. I’m going to do things differently. I’m gonna be someone else.” He paced back and forth in his apartment plotting his next move.

The following day his alarm went off at 7:00 like it did every weekday morning. He smirked and smashed the alarm with his fist, went back to sleep… Something he never would have done! In ten years he hadn’t been late for work even ONCE! At 9:30 he rolled out of bed and picked up the phone.

“Yeah Janine… Hey it’s Mike. Listen I quit alright.”

Just like that, he was jobless, directionless, without a plan. He felt great.

Alive.

Better than he felt in months.

He cranked his stereo and cracked a beer, smiling as he looked out into the populated street below. People scurrying down the sidewalks carrying laptop bags and briefcases, engaged in the rat race, selling their souls to corporations.

Later that day Mike decided to go through some old belongings that were stuffed away in a storage closet. He happened upon his diving certification, and some old vacation photos. “What happened to me?” he thought. “I used to do stuff. I used to have hobbies and interests. I had a life…”

He inhaled deeply and smiled. A thought popped into his head.

His friend Dave worked at a board shop and pretty much only worked there to afford his travels. He took anywhere from 7-8 weeks vacation a year, made shite money, but had a great life. He was always smiling, had the most interesting stories, and treated jobs as disposable “things” that afforded him his lifestyle.

Mike figured, he liked sex, so why not work in a porn shop. It wouldn’t be boring, he would meet lots of perverts and porn stars and maybe a few sluts too. Maybe this would be the job that got him out of his funk. Sure it might look a bit weird on his resume, but the new Mike didn’t care.

It wasn’t difficult for him to find a job at a porn shop… What was difficult was convincing the owner that he really wanted to work there! What was also difficult was convincing the porn shop owner that he wasn’t a chronic masturbater, a pedophile, a sexaholic, a pornaholic, or one of these fucked up men with an uncomfortably weird fetish.

He got the job.

And for some reason. Every Tom, Dick and Destiny that walked into the store, gave him a new lease on life. Made him feel less like a robot and more like a guy with a fucking funny job. A guy that lived day-to-day not knowing what the next day would bring.

A guy who didn’t take himself so seriously!

It wasn’t the job that changed him. It was not knowing what tomorrow would bring, it was his detachment from the safe status quo hell that he had been trapped in. It was his willingness to explore something new and different.

Within a year, Mike sold everything he owned and moved to Bermuda. Accepted a job at a popular resort teaching diving classes. Lived on the resort and spent his down time traveling the Caribbean.

For the first time in a long time, he was happy…

He even liked himself.