Lingo Slinger

I had just watched a freaky documentary about the ice caps melting, a beetle that wasn’t dying and was killing all the trees, and some strange animal I’ve never seen before who’s extinction could threaten the food chain.

For some reason, this documentary made me want to do something. But as usual, my intentions were good, but my methods a little suspect. Spray painting all of the SUV’s in my neighbourhood with “Gas Pig” in retrospect wasn’t a particularly novel idea, but it was a revolutionary idea at the time. And it didn’t stop there. I continued on to stuff banana’s in tail pipes so that people would be forced to take public transportation (or… that was the thought anyway). Then, I snuck onto the premises of my local hydro company and spray painted “we’re watching you” on the employee entrance door.

I’m pretty sure it was that, that alerted the cops to my environmental mischief… all the while letting out countless CFCs into the air with the many aerosol cans I used. In some cases I used 2 or 3 colours to get my message across. I snuck out of the premises pretty stealthily and hopped on my bike, so I was gone in a flash. And a girl wearing a pink sweater with two braids being held together by fun fir isn’t a likely suspect.

The next day I decided to skip work and make some pretty posters. I got drunk on Southern Comfort and pulled out some paint, glitter and fabric and made pretty green “Stop Global Warming” posters that looked nice enough to hang in my living room. I was feeling very proud of these posters and wanted to do something with them… I didn’t want to waste them, so I decided to do some research on the internet to find somewhere that would treat my posters nicely.

I passed out drunk with all of the lights on, the air conditioning cranked and my TV on all night. I woke up and realized that this Global Warming thing was making me a little nutty. This would be my 2nd day of not showing up for work, and my 2nd day of not giving a reason or bothering to call. Perhaps I would be saving the environment in the long run, by being fired and not having to drive to work anymore.

I rented An Inconvenient Truth and furthered my obsession with the topic and continued to drink my Southern Comfort. It was probably when I was sitting in the dark with my TV running on a generator and my phone ringing, that I realized how I looked. I began laughing out loud and saying to myself “as if I could stop global warming”. I knew I wasn’t going to stop anything truth be told, but I was hoping to create some kind of stir with somebody somewhere.

Sadly, all I did was increase security at the Hydro company, get labeled as The SUV Saboteur, damage my liver and create some new art for my living room walls. I did make some changes at home too, but it wasn’t me who was the problem, it was everybody else… and if everybody else had the problem, then what could I do?!

I got fired… but not before smashing a few lightbulbs on my way out and spray painting “use energy efficient bulbs you wankers” on the wall in the company cafeteria.