Lingo Slinger

It was eerily quiet. The iridescent glow from the digital clock shone on my skin as I eagerly watched each minute go by as if it were a fucking greyhound at a racetrack Only… it was more like watching cheap paint dry.

“Wow that ceiling fan kinda looks like it could be a flying Elvis” I thought to myself. “Hey, now THAT would be a marketable product… Ceiling fans that look like people, cartoon characters, and other funny creatures. Yeah, that would be great. And who in Graceland wouldn’t want to buy a flying Elvis ceiling fan?!”

I giggled to myself and shot a look at AJ who was still sleeping soundly, completely unaware of my insane little ceiling fan diatribe.

3:32AM

I noticed how the cheap vertical blinds made cool stripes on the wall with the assistance of the moon. “I really hate those blinds”.

Suddenly my heart jolted and I could barely breathe. My mind, only two minutes ago thinking about flying Elvis ceiling fans and vertical blinds was now off in a totally different and stressful direction. I was hearing full on conversations and debates with clients about fucking things up. Deadlines were flashing by and excuses being formed about why I couldn’t launch campaigns and how I managed to miss important meetings.

“I know Bob. I’m really sorry. We just weren’t ready and the content was weak”

“You had a month to prepare it. This should never have happened”

3:37AM

I started doing deep breathing exercises, thought about my cat Zen and then parlayed into humming the theme song to I Dream Of Jeannie. AJ didn’t seem to mind, he sort of snorted a little bit, moved, and lodged his dick snugly into my thigh.

“Sheep… I can think about sheep. Yeah, that’s pretty calming. What about sheep??? Hmmm how about sheep fuckers. People who like to fuck sheep. Ha ha, yah that’s it.”

I envisioned a pasty old Englishman dressed in a cap and chaps just given’ er into a disturbed angry sheep as the others looked on in sheer horror. I began laughing loudly and looked over at AJ, still sleeping.

3:48AM

“Wow, I just spent eleven minutes thinking about sheep fucking… What does that mean?! I’m sure some psychologist would love to delve right into that one!”

3:49AM

“I wonder how much it would cost to get a custom made headboard. That’s what this room is really missing. It looks so weird just having a big bed slumped on the wall with no headboard. It just doesn’t feel right. It’s like the whole Feng Shui (did I say that right) of the room is off.”

“That word sounds nothing like what it is spelled like”

3:51AM

I heard a creaking noise coming from the hall, like how it sounds when someone is walking down the hall and into our bedroom.

I poked AJ violently in his rib cage, disturbing his peaceful sleep “Did you hear that?”

“What?” he muttered incoherently

“THAT noise. It just happened again.”

“Probably just the hose selling” (which I interpreted as “house settling”)

AJ was back to la-la land as I sat there frozen in fear envisioning a spirit in my hall coming into my room to haunt me, or fuck me, or something! Maybe I would all of a sudden be short of breath gasping for air because it would strangle me.

“WHAT THE FUCK is wrong with me? For Christ sakes Selina, think of something nice… Like flowers and puppies and lesbians!”

4:03AM

My mind is now a jukebox playing that “One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever see…” song from the Magnolia Soundtrack. AJ sleeps soundly and I stare blankly at the stripes that the vertical blinds are making on my wall.

YAAAAWWWN

“Oh, that’s good… That was a yawn. Now we’re getting somewhere!”

4:05AM

“I don’t know why we haven’t thrown that corner lamp out yet, it’s just sitting there all useless doing nothing. At least if there was a Zamp in the Lamp, there’d be a reason to keep it. I’d love to have Yeps on the Steps, and a Yottle in the Bottle and a Gellar in the Cellar too… Oh wait… we don’t have a cellar. Dr. Seuss was so cool.”

YAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWN

“That Flying Elvis is killer. I’m never gonna look at the ceiling fan the same way again. It’s so not a fan, it’s Elvis!! Maybe I could create a Jesus fan too, fuck, that’d be a great marketing ploy!”
“What was I just saying…” (thinking)

YAAAAWWWN “probably something evil…”

4:07AM

My eyes begin to lose their focus. The numbers on the clock are now blurry and my mind, finally decides to stop the post-apocalyptic carnival going on in my brain. Now it’s a tea party, a nice quiet tea party with Royal Doulton China and old people who just wanna stare out the window and think about their cats.

BLISS!