Lingo Slinger

Buzzwords in the boardroom, we hear them all the time. You’re on a conference call when somebody declares, “let’s take this one off-line” or “let’s go through the Action Items”. What does it all mean Basil?!

Since the company you work for won’t tell you the REAL meaning of these corporate buzzwords, I have taken it on myself to inform you. Here are some of the more common ones:

Team Building: When your boss forces you to hang out with people that you hate and have nothing in common with. But you do it to keep your job, you make small talk and meaningless conversation with talent-less wankers that drink too much coffee and have severe halitosis. Hopefully they’ll get drunk and say something stupid that you can then use against them at a later date.

Action Items: A list of things that need to get done that are going to be dumped on your sorry ass. You will only be told that they are YOUR responsibilities in a roundabout, indirect, open forum sort of way (to give the illusion that others will be completing the tasks as well). These “action” items are not the kind of “action” you were hoping for.

Brainstorming: An excuse for your boss to get yourself and your co-workers together for a meeting where muffins and coffee will be served and you (the lowly workers) will have your brains vacuum-sucked of all creativity and original thought. Your ideas will then be manufactured, repackaged and will not be credited to you at all.

Whiteboard: A racist activity in which the “White” executives meet in the “Board” room and plot against everyone who is of a non-white ethnicity. These executives are also commonly known as The Board Of Directors.

Living Document: A document that has been passed around and changed so many times that it has remnants of 6 week old muffin, bagel crumbs and mouldy cream cheese, and stale coffee spilled all over it. If one were to place this document under a microscope, millions of nasty little organisms would be seen crawling around and making babies all over it.

Take it off-line: A phrase commonly used during a conference call when discussing something that the phrase-giver either A) dropped the ball on and cannot answer or B) is something that he/she does not want the other conference callers to be aware of. “Take it off-line” basically means “Shut The Fuck Up”!!

Verbatim: A really gay way to say “copy” or “text”. The biggest wanker in your department commonly uses the term “verbatim”, you know him; he’s the know-it-all who just has to bring in the stinkiest fish he can find and eat it at his cubicle so that the other poor bastards have to deal with the ungodly stench for the rest of the afternoon. Verbatim is a word for wankers!

Hopefully this guide has been somewhat helpful for you. The next time your boss wants to “Whiteboard” something, just give him the hail Hitler salute and you are guaranteed to get a raise… and maybe even a seat on The Board Of Directors next year!

{SeLiNa}